Tonight, the Thailand team arrives home. At 11pm, Katie and I will make our way back to the school, where the fallout began, and take the hit one last time. My gosh, it's already been a month.
I am centered, I am focused, and where I once was lost I now am found. I am healing and regaining composure and learning to rise above that which only makes me weaker. I am so glad that they are arriving at night, or the sense of deja-vu would be frightening and ultimately too much to handle. I will never forget the loading of that bus or the sluggish pull-away moment. But tonight can fix almost all of that.
I don't want to drone on about this any longer. I am nearly whole again, and I don't want it to seem as if I am still holding on. I'm not. My hands are open, palms to the sky, and I have let go.
Every day brings me closer to something new, something more exciting than ever before. I spent years and years of my life dwelling on the past and forgetting to participate and enjoy the present, thus missing an integral part of my existence that I can never have back. I refuse to make that mistake again. I am focusing on today and all that God has for me. Yesterday is gone, and the memories are only that: reflections, echoes of what once was and can never be again.
There is no regret. And there is hope. Always hope.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. PLACES, SEASONS, HEART-STUFF LIKE THIS IS HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS. MY ATTEMPTS WILL WITHOUT A DOUBT BE BARELY SATISFACTORY, BUT I WILL TRY ANYWAY.
I HAVE REALIZED LATELY THAT PEOPLE ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS THAT THEY REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS TO. THEY EXPRESS CONCERN, FEIGN INTEREST, AND THEN SHUT OFF THEIR BRAIN THE SECOND ANYONE TRIES TO SLIP ANYTHING REAL INTO THE CONVERSATION. I'VE HAD MANY OF THESE LATELY, AND AS MUCH AS I DON'T WANT TO JUST LUMP EVERYONE TOGETHER INTO A BOX OF SUCKINESS, THIS IS MY DAY TO BE JUDGMENTAL.
I HAVE ALSO REALIZED, BASED ON MY RECENT HIT COUNT, THAT PRETTY MUCH NO ONE READS MY BLOG ANYMORE. AM I ANGRY? HEH, OF COURSE NOT. SAD? OF COURSE. A LOT OF GOOD MEMORIES WERE MADE SHARING HERE, WHETHER ON MY PAGE OR SOMEONE ELSE'S, AND I MISS REVEALING THE REAL ME TO PEOPLE WHO ENDED UP BECOMING CLOSER THAN FRIENDS. AND MY BIGGEST READER, MY BIGGEST FAN, WILL NEVER READ HERE AGAIN.
TO EXPLAIN MY RECENT IRRATIONAL BEHAVIOUR, I HAVE ONLY ONE EXPLANATION, SUFFICIENT OR NOT: IT WAS MY LAST DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SHOW THAT I HAD ANY CONTROL OF MY LIFE. I WAS TOO FAR GONE TO ACTUALLY HEAR ANYTHING GOD WAS TRYING TO SAY TO ME, SO I WENT ON FEELINGS (NEVER TOO SMART) AND PRAYED THAT MY WILL WOULD BE ALIGNING WITH HIS. I ALSO KNEW THAT IF THIS WAS NOT GOD, IT WOULDN'T ALIGN WITH ANYONE ELSE. AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. SURE IT WAS EMBARRASSING AND I WANT TO DIE EVERY TIME I REMEMBER HOW SILLY I WAS, BUT IT WAS FOR THE BEST. I DID EVERYTHING IN MY POWER, AND NOW I KNOW THAT THERE IS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE TO SAVE MYSELF FROM THE FALLOUT. IN ADDITION, I LEARNED AN INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT LESSON: GOD GETS HIS WAY. HE'S NOT MEAN AND CYNICAL, HE'S JUST IN CONTROL. HE MADE ME, HE MADE THE EARTH I STAND ON AND THE AIR THAT I BREATHE, SO I THINK THAT GIVES HIM AS MUCH A RIGHT AS ANYONE COULD HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE AND PUT IN HIS INPUT...ESPECIALLY ON SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT. HE APPARENTLY HAS A PLAN THAT'S GREATER THAN ANY I COULD EVER FATHOM, SO I SHOULD JUST GIVE IN ALREADY AND LET HIM TAKE THE WHEEL.
ALLOWING MYSELF TO HEAL IS ALREADY WORKING WONDERS. TWO DAYS AND I'M ALREADY BARELY RECOGNIZABLE AS THE MESS OF ONLY THREE DAYS AGO. NOT THAT GOD IS INHIBITED BY ME IN ANY WAY, BUT WHEN I LET HIM WORK ON MY HEART AND CARE FOR ME, HE COMES THROUGH IN MORE AMAZING WAYS THAN WHEN I RESIST HIS HELP.
SO THIS IS MY FINAL THOUGHT. A MONTH AGO, I DIDN'T THINK I'D BE FACING TODAY ALONE. IN FACT, I DIDN'T THINK THIS SUMMER WOULD FIND ME LONELY, NOR THE COMING SCHOOL YEAR. PART OF ME IS ASHAMED, AND THE OTHER PART IS VOWING TO HOLD MY HEAD HIGH AND BE MYSELF WITHOUT ANOTHER TO HOLD MY HAND. BUT I KNOW THAT GOD HAS CARRIED ME THROUGH THE HARD TIMES BEFORE, AND WITH EACH HARD-HITTING MEMORY THAT THREATENS TO TEAR ME DOWN AGAIN, HE IS SHAPING AND STRENGTHENING ME INTO A PERSON WHO CAN STAND AGAINST THE PAIN OF THIS WORLD. SO IN ANSWER TO ALL THE CURIOUS QUESTIONS (DESPITE THE LOW READERSHIP): I'M GOING TO BE OKAY.
Today was another epic day of flyering. Raising money is always a wonderful things, especially when done in West Vancouver. The streets are clean, the people are friendly, and they drink enough liquor to keep us in business. All flyering days are exciting and keep us on our toes, and today was no exception.
The first house went by without incident, but numero dos didn't like me very much. From past experience, I know that if a house has a lot of overhanging trees or only a small passage to walk through, I should be expecting bugs and spiderwebs, etc. This house had all the markings of a bug-free zone, however, so I didn't expect a MASSIVE SPIDER to land on my FOREHEAD. Oh yeah. I was traumatized. From then on, I was completely on my guard.
Somewhere along the way I was also "fortunate" enough to walk into a yard with a dog in it, stare creepily into someone's really awesome living room until I realized there was someone looking back, and walk into a lot of unmoving objects. And, as my grand finale, I completely bailed on the path leading back to the street from the last house of almost 100.
These riveting stories and many others, much the same, have become a common occurrence in my life as of late. I enjoy it, I love it, but am I fulfilled by it? Is this really what I want to spend the rest of my life doing?
Things are just so complicated. Carolyn Dawn Johnson said it best; not perfectly, just best. I need to figure my crap out soon. I feel so focused, and yet so unaware of the How. Trust? It would have to be.
"Does he have a motorcycle? If you're going to throw your life away he better have a motorcycle." Indeed.
My dreams are haunting me. I cannot control what I dream about for anything (trust me, I've tried), so I know this isn't just me. And the effects are scaring (and scarring) me.
I'm so tired of being cynical and untrusting. My favourite quote as a teenager was: "The average woman would rather be pretty than smart because the average man can see better than he can think." Wow. I don't want to be that person anymore. There are a lot of traits I could do without right now and I'm working on it. Patience is still, as always, number one. I'm getting so much better (slash God is constantly watering the patience tree), but there is no limit to how much I could still improve.
I'm rambling. Again. That seems to be all I can do lately. "Just let me know when we're in the final inning so I can cheer." I'M SO IMPATIENT! ...There. I feel a teensy bit better now. All that's left is to wait on Him and trust that He's continuing to work everything out because He loves me.
I feel old and gray and all the things I never want to be. I have realized a truth about myself tonight that reveals more about me than I ever thought any one thing could. AH is for honesty.
I am scared to death of commitment.
This coming from the girl who has wanted to be married since before she could walk, and who wants kids even more. It's not that I don't want to be committed to someone or spend my life with them...I've just become so accustomed to the pattern:
A. Meet guy.
B. Some level of commitment.
C. Fall in love (optional).
D. End on someone's account.
E. Start again.
As much as I want to eliminate D and E from the itinerary eventually, I haven't yet realized that it will actually happen. I'm insane.
I'm so glad that God is helping me work through this totally irrational, though very real, fear now; when it comes time to actually commit totally to someone I should be over it. And by should be, I mean that every second I type and every moment my heart has to wrap around the idea is only bringing me closer to good feelings on this topic too.
Today I got burned at work, broke a nail, saw Star Trek and have spent the majority of my time on some very deep thoughts. This is what I KNOW:
1. Every one of these thoughts and struggles is for a purpose that He is working towards.
2. I am NOT alone.
3. This peace is unlike any other, and I am going to cling to the One who gave it to me instead of the peace itself.
I don't know where this is going, and I don't know if you care. All I know is that I don't know how much longer I can go on in this in-between state that I always seem to get caught in.
Earlier today, I was a perfectly sane, rational human being who felt somewhat in control. Although frightened at what the future might hold, I was being directed and knew Whom those directions were from. Now, everything is different.
I am antsy beyond belief! It feels like I cannot possibly sit still without exploding. All of my insides are ready to burst, and there is nothing I can do to prevent the fallout. My heart is ready to jump out from inside of me, and drugs are the only possible option. I'm sure if I were on some, then all of this would make some sense.
As it is, there are no drugs and there is no sanity, so I don't know what this is all supposed to mean. Where just a few days ago there was a beautiful inner peace that coincided with the world and brought bliss to all future projections, I now have a peace that is punctuated by a burning yearning to dive into all of this that He has prepared for me.
I am on fire, and every natural life function within me is crying out, trying desperately to convey that this is not enough. The mundane, same-as-it's-always-been mediocrity that once passed as life is not enough! I have so much more to live for, and every second, every heartbeat, every keystroke spent on this couch, in this house, in this state I've always dwelt in is a waste of precious time.
I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep tonight, or what any of this means. How do I put this craving (for lack of a sufficient word) to the back of my mind and let rest prevail? I'm so heartsick for this "more" that I know is out there, and I'm horribly restless for all of this to unfold. I know that tonight, like any other night, is just one in a long series of necessary events to lead me to the "eventually" that I'm awaiting, but that doesn't make 12:01 any easier than 12:00 was or 11:59 or 4:27.
Tomorrow means decisions and promises (broken and new) and ideas and dreams and everything I'm too scared to deal with. It also means decisions and promises and ideas and dreams and everything I'm so excited to delve into that tomorrow will probably never come. I say a lot how I never thought I'd live to be this old; not that I thought I'd die prematurely, just that I never thought 20 would ever come. Mirrored perfectly is my feeling that tomorrow could never possibly come because I don't know how I could ever possibly live until the morning of the 17th of May without imploding. Every second that ticks by on a clock unheard means one more second that doesn't make sense because how can tomorrow come if I don't know how to face it?
Plain and simple: I'm antsy. I don't know what to do with my hands except type because I'll probably end up ripping something apart with my subconscious. I want everything to be decided, but I'm so frightened of what this will all look like in the end. I have absolute faith in tomorrow, and that's probably what scares me the most. I've never been so absolute about anything in my life, and if that fails...well then what does that say about me?
For the first time in a long time, I come before you with nothing preconceived to write about. Usually I try to empty my brain and whatever is left is what forms words. But there's nothing now except this extraordinary peace that I still can't quite put my finger on. I would be lying to say that I don't have cold feet about everything that God is changing in my life, but I'm too excited to let that steal my joy.
I went out for coffee with a friend tonight, and every time we get together, I can't describe the thoughts that surface and the emotions that rage beneath the surface. Not in some romantic, lustful way - gosh no. Hehe, as if. I just...he makes me wonder about a lot of things, in a good way. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but the point is that I wish he could see the truth as clearly as I can.
Today I made the big bucks. Tips: $2 for 4.5 hours of work. Don't worry though, I won't spend it all in one place.
I love Casting Crowns. Every time I think I'm over them, I realize the significance of their words all over again. They're all I've listened to lately, and it makes me feel glorious.
I hate taking the easy way out of things. If two paths are before me, I almost always opt for the harder one. That isn't to say that I don't know when to quit (I have a disgustingly resilient survival complex), but I don't want to look back and know that I always just did what came easiest. I want to do amazing things with my life! And now that I look back on my human planning skills, I know those plans weren't big enough. God has so much more for me!!
I ate a crepe today, and I'm already over them. Now I need to spend the entire summer saturating myself in the smell without any desire to indulge. Perfect. Now I'll be fighting back a gagging fit as well as trying desperately to control my temper so I don't scream at every customer who doesn't tip me. I just want to afford to put gas in my car, is that too much to ask?!
So, in case you didn't notice, these are all the nothings floating around in my head right now. Not to say that they're literally worth nothing, just that without their sum total they are meaningless.
I can't wait to finally watch the pieces start to move together. I've waited so long. And here's the truth. All these things are just the surface. The true heart that's beating underneath is crying out to speak...but I can't. Not yet. This is too much to hold in :)
This one is free for anyone to read, because I am so unbelievably happy. I have been praying for peace above all else, a peace that passes understanding, and that is exactly what He has given me! I don't know if you can feel the enthusiasm oozing out of me, but I'm telling you that just being in my presence right now would probably make you giddy. I am over the moon in love with Him, and the things He is showing me are blowing me away.
He has given me new reason to live; rearranged my thinking and removed my premisconceptions. Rather than just believing something because I want to and I think it lines up with His will for me, now I KNOW.
You read me right, I KNOW. And it is the most wonderful feeling in the entire world. No doubt, no indecision, no areas that are lacking in peace. He has given me the most unspeakable joy. I could go on, but nothing could do this justice. I finally love Him the way I'm supposed to, and it feels SO good.
I'm starting to feel a little bit guilty for baring my soul this way. Is it fair? I don't know. Someone suggested that I journal where no one can see it but me, but that defeats the entire purpose. If I don't release some of this into a place that isn't necessarily "safe," then I am not healing. So here is my word of caution: if you don't want to know how I feel, because I plan on being fairly open and honest, then please don't read any further.
I think I'm doing a lot better than before. I listened to music again today, finally, without it being James Blundt. That shows growth, right? And I'm up to some snacky meals, rather than a few nothings when someone makes me have. It's not that I've been starving myself; gosh, that's all I need is people thinking I'm anorexic. Usually when I am going through a hard time, I eat at every possible moment to distract myself. So when I don't want to eat at all, I know something is really wrong. Aaand now I feel like it looks like I'm asking for pity, which I'm not. Sometimes I just need to admit the worst things in myself before I can begin to change them...even if it's to no one in particular. So here I go:
I've been struggling with the worst indecision of my life. Praying is the only way I'm making it through every second, but the majority of it is yelling at God. It's a fight just to want to hear what He has to say, let alone to listen. Deep down, I know He has the best for me. I just...I don't know how to give up something this important.
And then He leads me here: "Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or instructed Him as His counselor? Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten Him, and who taught Him the right way? Who was it that taught Him knowledge or showed Him the path of understanding?" (Isaiah 40:13, 14).
Who the frick am I? I am no one. He loves me, but that doesn't make me His equal. I need to be willing to not only go along with His will, but also to throw myself whole-heartedly into it. I know that as soon as I fully grasp this, I'll know His will. But for now I'm too scared to find out what it is, so I continue to desperately grasp onto what I no longer have.
If any of you stuck around long enough to read this, I could seriously use some prayer right now. Thanks. And sorry.
Every time I think of stars, I get all nostalgic (of course). Apparently nostalgia is what I do. Some thing comes to mind, but it's never just the thing...it's the predominant memory that goes with it.
The stars have always been big for me. They signify how big my God is, and how small I really am in comparison to the rest of His creation; yet, He loves me. They represent four years ago beside a river and the aftermath. They bring to mind camping trips last summer, lying in the middle of the road, feeling small compared to their bigness. And, more recently, they remind me of so little time ago, sleeping bags on grass and the rush of the ocean.
I don't know what this process is for. I don't know why it's so hard, or why I have such a difficult time explaining it. All I do know is that God doesn't test us and lead us through trials for the fun of it. We always come out with a character that is stronger and a heart that beats closer to the rhythm of His.
So I'm holding out. I don't know why, except for all the selfish reasons I've come up with. Maybe I'm crazy, and maybe I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. But I cannot pretend away this burning in my heart, just the same as I cannot imagine away His hand on me every time I look up into the shimmering specks of universe.
I feel as though my blogs have been of a one-track mind lately (in case anyone failed to notice), so here is my attempt, half-hearted or not, at concentrating on something new.
There's something about mornings like these that make me more contemplative than usual. It's a beautiful feeling on the wind: light breeze sweeping up floral scents and wrapping each of my softly blowing hairs in a heavenly glow. Mornings like these make it hard for my heart not to soften a little.
I've been plowing through my Bible lately, not to get through it, but to have the peace that comes with soaking up God's Word. The more I read, the more clear it becomes to me that God makes beauty out of the broken and is a big believer in waiting. So I sit here in awe-struck anticipation.
It's also hard to fear Him on a morning like today; staring into the awesome splendor of His creation yet trying to fear Him all the while is not an easy job. But I'm learning. Maybe the problem all along wasn't that I thought the things I was doing were okay, but rather I didn't have a healthy fear of God. The last few weeks has been very rapidly developing one.
Mornings like these make me welcome the silence, embrace my own humanity, and marvel in who God is. But within that, I've never before felt this: a longing to be sitting in this brilliant silence with someone else. And in a flash, a tiny country thousands of miles away feels closer than the empty space beside me.
Today is a new day. Despite my highest hopes, it isn't better than yesterday. Tomorrow doesn't look promising either.
It sounds hopeless. Forfeit is on the horizon.
But wait! What's that? Ah...an old friend. We looked and looked, and you finally came. Hope.
There's this tiny little light on the peripheral of my blurry vision, and something tells me that there has to be a rhyme and reason. No matter what the end result is, I know God will do the same thing in both of us. I don't even know what to hope for anymore, but despite that, he's still here. Hope, that is. And so is He.
So here's the raw emotion, straight from my heart. No hindsight included as of yet because there hasn't been time for any, and no filter on my thoughts.
It's over. Not because it's what I want, not because it's what he wants, but because it's what He wants. We can't fight that. Loving each other this much is not enough.
I hurt so bad all over, and I'm laughing at how crazy I am. But the pain is so real and so deep and is overshadowing all of my memories and everything I've grown to love. More than anything I want to go back just a few weeks to when we sat on this same couch and were just...together; to pause that moment and live in it forever. But I can't. We can't go back to just eight hours ago when this started, or an hour and a half ago when we finally said good-bye.
How do you adequately describe the feeling of every muscle and tendon and ligament in the body pulling against one another until I feel as if I'll explode into a million pieces? That about describes me perfectly.
I know I'll look back on this one day and it won't hurt anymore, but right now that thought only makes me want to cry more. This is my day of mourning for what might have been. My one day of looking every painful memory (and future plan) boldly in the face and taking every blow they deal. I don't want to get over him! I don't want to meet him at the airport in 86 days and not hug him because it will hurt too much. But how do I ever go back to before today?
We're not playing the God card. Neither of us. We're not using it as an excuse to dump a relationship so that we can move on. This hurts. This KILLS. But we're going to survive. We're going to make it through today and somehow barely make it out alive. And tomorrow will be a little bit easier. And the next day. And the next. Until finally, we can think of each other and not feel the torturous twist in our hearts.
But until then, for today, I will soak in the misery. I will take my one day to not let go, to sit and experience so clearly what can only be described as a broken heart: I can feel it physically in my chest, I can breathe it in, I can feel it falling down my cheeks, and every part of me is crying out to hold him one last time.
When I look at the flippant blog I began last night but didn't have a chance to finish, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I was trying to get off on a lighter note, be happy now that the good-byes are over and routine is starting to set in again. I can't.
Maybe I'm jumping ahead of myself, and maybe I'm even causing myself unnecessary pain; however, I cannot shake this feeling that my world is being smashed into smithereens. I keep telling myself that getting out of bed won't be so bad, but I can't bring myself to do it yet. Sometimes, just sitting in the silence with myself and God, reveling in the hurt. is what I need to help myself become stronger.
One of my favourite books, quoted very liberally, talks about how it's okay when someone gets mad because mad goes away, but hurt stays for a very long time and never quite fades. I'd rather be mad right now. Mad is so much easier to deal with.
I'm going to the gym soon. I didn't want to go to early because I want to stop at the school office first and I wanted the tour team to be gone already. Good-byes are not my forte these days. So the gym. Endorphins to the brain, hopefully helping my aching muscles, and I'm praying that I'll be good to go.
Or am I? It's amazing what it's taken for me to get into this place of desperately seeking God. Every time I feel the great sadness washing over me again, I pick up the Word until I can breathe again. And I talk to Him. Talk until I have nothing left to say and my heart picks up the slack and speaks for me.
So maybe this place of trial and hurt is exactly where I'm supposed to be. It's possible that this moment, right here, is why I even need to go through it. But either way, as incredibly hard as this is...I'm giving it up. Daily giving up the things I love most because I know He'll take care of me.
School was always home. From the first week, every time I went back to my parents' house, that's what I was doing: going to their house, not mine. Likewise, going back to school meant going home. The transfer was complete from one place to another; the location of my heart had altered. Yesterday I drove away for the last time, and I could immediately feel the removal of my heart from the empty dormitories. With everyone I loved gone, there was nothing to stay for. As much as our beautiful memories haunted me up and down the halls, especially when I accidentally opened the now-desolate rooms, there was nothing left for me anymore.
So, my epiphany that followed is as follows. If my home is truly where my heart is, and it's the people that make the home, not the house, then what is our great preoccupation with houses? When did we decide that the degree of our happiness is determined by things? I can say without reservation that one of the happiest years of my life has been spent in a tiny, cramped room with a barely-working shower and hardly any material "things" to speak of, but my heart was full. When did these things begin to choose the condition of our hearts?
I'm getting rid of a lot of things in my life. It's hard when they have nostalgic implications, but I'm letting go because that is not what my life revolves around. Just as life goes on when people leave, whether for now or forever, so does life when the economy crumbles or our cars get totaled (twice) or all our memories are burned to the ground because the stove was left on. So with that attitude, I'm letting go of the unnecessary and embracing what truly matters.
