Word Association

Pepsi

incredible

Hulk

green

peace

hippies

daisy

beach

towel

nude

earrings

lobe

lob

volleyball

net

work

exercise program

spandex

Richard Simmons

lunges

nude

stocking

stuffer

turkey

gravy

boat

waves

goodbye

sadness

Kleenex

box

donations

books

magazines

mags

nude

phone call

answer

machine

robot

dance

high school

nude

Lesson of the day: everything always ends up naked. Or I have too much time on my hands. Or I should not be allowed on the computer when I have homework to do because I procrastinate in ridiculous ways.

Lesson of the day: I will make everything end up naked when I am bored.

Crunch Time

I have no time to blog, or think or eat or anything else. I have wasted the last few weeks (months?) putting off the things I need to do. Suddenly it's crunch time and I'm overwhelmed and that little voice inside is telling me "If only you had done it all when you had the time, there wouldn't be any stress now," but my logical self yells back "I didn't feel any more capable of doing it then than I do now!" Homework. I despise homework. Homework is not how I learn, nor is it conducive to making me more willing to learn. I like to teach myself and then talk with other people who have done the same. That's all. This business of attending classes and doing stupid weekly assignments and writing long-winded reports that will never apply to my life or ministry is suffocating.

I thought that deciding to not return next year would give me an energy boost to finish this semester well; in reality, it has made everything more difficult. There is no part of me that wants to do the work, except the nagging part telling me that if I were to return in a few years' time i would hate to re-take these courses. So. No desire, no real motivation, but between now and lunch (less than 2 hours) I plan to hammer out as much as can possibly be done. This does not feel like freedom, and it was for freedom that I was set free.

Hold My Beer while I Kiss Your Girlfriend

Yesterday I took two naps.

Today I bought the highest heels I currently own.

Tomorrow I marry Tom Cruise.

Saturday I move back to school.

Sunday I will wear that shirt.

Monday is the day that classes begin.

Tuesday means lasers on my body.

Wednesday spells disaster, hospital, cake and new sweater.

Thursday feels like many things to do.

Friday will be the end of the week.

I am a planner.

So.

Why am I still writing a paper for last semester?

Half done.

Half to go.

When You Smile at Me, It's All that I Ever Need

It's almost the end of November, which means one thing: I get to feel like a woman again. Woot! Shaved legs and make-up do wonders to self-confidence.

Actually, it means another thing. Only three weeks left of school, and I have no idea how I am going to finish everything I need to do to pass. That's silly, of course I will pass...I just won't do well.

There's really nothing to say about anything.

Except. Except that I feel like a ridiculous fool every time, without fail. Stop smiling so I can too.

That's the Way I Loved You

Today I slept. Period. I woke up for brunch, went back to sleep, and woke up for dinner. I planned to do five hours of homework, but instead read 50 pages from one book.

I am slipping into old patterns. I am not who I want to be.

You were wild and crazy.

I am shutting down; not of my own volition, but by nature. I have stopped being in control, I think.

Just so frustrating.

I had months go by that never imprinted in my memory. I call them the "dark days." I am beginning to see echoes and it's scary.

Intoxicating.

I need something to excite me to full consciousness before it is too late. I need to feel alive.

Got away by some mistake.

One day I will stop blogging again, too. That will signal defeat. Not of my own volition, but by nature; self-preservation will have kicked in and it will be too late.

I Listen to Music again, among Other Things

I am listening to music again. If you know me, you know this means something huge. Music, for me, is like food. I don't mean this in some higher-level-thinking allegorical way; music and food affect me the same way. Example: when I'm upset, I eat until I cannot eat anymore...and then I eat some more. However, when I'm really upset I just cannot make myself eat. Music is the same.

I've been sad for awhile. When I'm sad, music is a comfort. When I'm sad the way I've been (sad -adj. - understatement of the year), music only makes everything worse. I cannot turn it on; I cannot let the lyrics in without damaging my soul.

So let me start again. I am listening to music again.

I am also reading my Bible again. I have been...agitated with God lately. Not angry, not blaming, not bitter. I just can't look at Him. Things keep getting worse, a new aspect of my life seemingly falls apart each day, and He's not there.

Last night I opened up my Bible, without being compelled by an outside source, for the first time in months. I read a few psalms and, miracle of miracles, I still know most of the Romans I memorized in November. God is so faithful in so many ways I don't give Him credit for.

I'm also eating again (see above). I want to gain ten pounds by the end of the summer.

I also want to start exercising again. I nearly killed my body running the other day, so it's back to the elliptical for now. Stop laughing. I just...I want to be healthy. I want to be whole again.

Whistler is getting better. Oh! And I'm getting homework done.

Miracles. Miracles all around.

Are Not

The more days that go by on this break, the more I realize that life is just not the same.

Breakfast is not breakfast without choose-your-own eggs, which for me is always scrambled with cheese (even though if I were anywhere else I would never choose it).

Tuesdays are not Tuesdays without mini-church. Especially the secretly trying to escape to do homework while wishing the whole time I could stay and forget about it.

Showers are not showers without random girls running through at all times, mold growing all around, and pressure/temperature that changes every thirty seconds.

Wednesdays are not Wednesdays without "Wonderful Wednesday Dinner," arriving 15 minutes early for no reason at all, and then feeling dumb for the next 14 minutes until everyone else shows up.

Homework isn't homework without the pool breaks (even when all I'm doing is reading ahead for next semester).

Thursdays are not Thursdays without chicken strips. I so dearly miss chicken strips.

Weekends are not weekends without lame chick flicks, procrastination, multiple church services and changing seven times a day.

Car rides are not car rides without guys "pretending" to make out, fighting for shot-gun and Timmies.

And waking up is not waking up without people to see the second I open my eyes until the second I fall asleep.

Feeling the Pressure

Being stressed is one of my favourite states. I thoroughly enjoy having less than adequate time to accomplish something to the best of my ability. For example, right now I have six papers due next week, 120 chapters of the Bible to read and an assignment due Monday, as well as several other assignments and readings to be completed throughout the week. And then it's exams.

I, however, am not the least bit phased. As much as I know I shouldn't be blogging right now, I also am well aware that this state of confusion perfectly conditions my body to get the most done in the least amount of time. After this, I probably won't stop working on homework except to eat, but all the time in the last few weeks spent watching Gilmore Girls and doing things that are less than important have been well worth it. I wouldn't go back and change anything even if I could.

I'm going to cut today's blog short. I only partook in today's writing because I've so missed vomiting my thoughts in a slightly productive, if not marks-worthy, way.