You Don't Know Me at All

It's been a long time since I blogged about tangible things, or so it seems to me. Thinking on ways to fix this, it came to me. I think I may have done a blog on this in the past (if I find it, I'll link it), but it will still be fun. Twenty-five random things about me:

1. I once drove to California by myself just for an In-n-Out burger.
2. I secretly desire to be one of those (psychotic) morning people who wakes up before dawn to exercise for two hours before breakfast. I love the idea of being that person, but my willpower and natural tendencies don't bend that way.
3. The thought of ketchup makes me gag. Ketchup in reality is fine.
4. A diamond has been falling out of my ring for nearly 2 years and I still have not had it fixed. I am scared that I will look down one day and it will be gone, but the idea of not wearing it so it can be fixed weirds me out.
5. I would rather read the Message than the NLT.
6. Every time I watch a TV show where people are driving in a car, I tense up for the entire scene and hold my breath because I am so scared they will be in an accident. And whenever I'm right, the jolt feels like I'm right in there with them.
7. If I could, I would only ever wear red shoes.
8. I enjoy cleaning bathrooms.
9. Every time I start a new relationship with a man (okay, let's be real, it's usually been with boys), I keep tokens along the way "just in case." Then, when it ends, I dump it all except one thing. Then I hide that thing somewhere random where I will never think to look so that by the time I find it, I will smile because there will only be good memories left.
10. Whenever I find myself thinking "if only my ______ were more ________," I now remind myself that it's God's way of keeping me humble. This brings me surprising peace. Rather than complaining that I can't sing, I don't tan, my eyes aren't big enough and I'm just the wrong height, I smile to myself and give God a small nudge of appreciation.
11. I have not written a letter to my sponsor child, Bizi, since I started supporting him in January 2009. Every time I see his picture I feel guilty, but somehow never guilty enough to send him something. It was just his birthday again. He's 8 now.
12. I love wearing giant, flashy earrings.
13. Sometimes I have confidence. Sometimes I do not. The times I do are usually the times I am inadequate and should be humble, while the times I do not are often the times I am forgetting in Whom my confidence should be.
14. I use a man's razor. I like red better than pink, and things that work better than pretty things that break.
15. I am an introvert. The more I admit it and stop fighting who I am, the easier it becomes to just be.
16. There are three weeks left of school. Part of me is desperately sad, but that is only the scared part; the rest of me, all 98%, is thrilled beyond words.
17. My car's name is Zimbabwe, Zimi for short. She flies, sings, conditions and swings. And she holds my cups with confidence.
18. For the first time in probably 6 months, I went to the graveyard on Thursday. It was hot like June and there were flowers everywhere and the wind stopped blowing and my heels were covered in mud and I trimmed the grass with my fingernails and I cried there for things I will never have. Seven years. Where did the time go?
19. The more I see them, the more I love Gerber Daisies.
20. I like who I am in the summer more than at any other time.
21. It's been nearly a year since the end of everything I thought I was going to live my whole life for. Thank You, God, for taking it when You did. Despite the mess, You had the timing down to a T. I am not angry at You anymore.
22. I will only be 22 for another 82 days. It has not been the hardest year. And things will only continue to go up.
23. I am still saving BigMacs for marriage.
24. I am out of my favourite perfume. By the time I get it again, it will be time to leave it behind. I miss smelling like me.
25. I am learning a lot about what real love really is.

What a Weekend (and a Splash of Hope)

Some days are without description, as words would fail horribly and only serve to dull the sweetness of the moment. Therefore, I don't want to bog myself down with lengthy descriptions or thoughts that really don't matter.

I realized the other day that I stopped believing in a lot of good things a long time ago. Life isn't perfect, c'est la vie, suck it up. All to say: build dreams that are slightly in the realm of attainable. Stop reaching. Accept what life hands you and be satisfied.

...But that just isn't in me. I was once told that a Christian's worst temptation is not to give in to worldly temptations, but rather to settle for the satisfactory. I think God has far more than satisfactory in mind.

This weekend was beyond description. Amazingly, I was able to focus and just...be. The first night was wonderful because the message was on understanding God's love for us. To truly, fully grasp that concept is a lifelong process, but standing there singing "How He Loves" I was brought back to my roadtrip and the moment I knew that I knew that He loved me. For real. Not some concept for study or a gift only given to the holy, but for me. He loves me, not because I try to be strong or beautiful or smart or likable, but just because. He just does.

And then. The point that brought it all together. Bring on night number two. Before the message, the speaker was giving words to people in the audience, and as he began his third personal message I knew I would be next. First I told God He didn't have to give me anything, I would be satisfied without anything that intimate (and public). Then I begged Him not to. And then the speaker called on me. He asked if I was comfortable with these people, my peers and authority figures; were they a loving family I could trust?

My honest response: "Some."

My real response: "Yes."

Something inside me clicked and I knew this wasn't just for me. Other people needed to hear it too.

He told me it wasn't to embarrass me, but to use as an example. And he pulled out a twenty dollar bill. I had heard of this illustration before in different classes as a visual prop for youth groups, but I had never actually seen it done.

Randy: "Do you know what this is?"

Me: "Money."

R: "A twenty dollar bill. And I want to give it to you. Do you want it?"

L: "Yes."

R: "Okay, just give me a second."

And he crumpled it in his hand (sidenote: American money crumples so much cooler than Canadian). He spread it out again.

R: "Do you still want it?"

L: I know where this is going... "Yes."

R: "Okay, one more thing."

And he smooshed it into an even tinier ball, threw it on the ground and stomped on it. Every stomp was a knife in the heart, a weight on my shoulders, a new memory. He spread it out again.

R: "What about now?"

L: "Yes."

R: "Why?"

L: "Because it's still twenty bucks."

He went on to explain value. The bill still had monetary value, despite how it had been mistreated, crushed and abused. It still had value. I still have value. That's how Jesus sees me, and how He wants me to see myself. I have not lost my value.

That twenty is now the new bookmark in my Bible. Already I can see the creases begin to become softer as the continuous pressure of my ridiculously heavy NASB squashes it into submission. Diamonds are created from coal in extreme pressure and intense heat; gold is refined by burning out the impurities; I am being turned into something beautiful, something valuable, by pressure, weight and heat. The impurities are being burned away in the wake of the Consuming Fire who is jealous for my love. My love. Incredible.

I am not beyond saving. Hope.

He has a plan bigger than all of this. Faith.

It is by His grace and compassion that I get another shot. Love.

And the greatest of these is love.