Why would You Want to Take Our Love and Tear It all Apart?

I need to stop making excuses for not being who I want to be. There is this woman I sometimes see in my eyes and I want her to shine through all the time. She is lovely and politely contrary and expresses the creativity that is always threatening to break through - the creativity that I stuff down because I don't have time to express it in the brilliantly daring way it demands - and she knows where she's heading and is okay with being in love with only Jesus for her whole life and paints a sunrise on her face instead of a suitcase full of make-up to feel beautiful and exudes genuine confidence because she genuinely knows that her heart is genuine. She is wonderful and I want to embrace her with all of me, but that means letting go of the things that conflict with her character. She is also strong enough to let go of the things holding her back.

I, on the other hand (or the other side of my near-schizo personality), am weak. I suppress my passions and push my way through issues that aren't worth how it hurts my friendships and constantly question where God is leading me and am still desperately scared that no man will ever love me enough to want me forever and still feel uncomfortable not wearing make-up even after a week of keeping it minimal because I am so afraid that I am not good enough or confident enough or beautiful enough without it. I am so weak that I still hold onto the last 5% of my life with all my feeble strength in the hope of...I don't even know what. I only hold myself back.

So here comes the challenge, the dilemma. What if I just jump? What if I take hold of the woman who fiercely demands her place in my life from within my own eyes and let her rule? What if I give myself over to the part of me that longs for Jesus to have my whole heart and be the example for every action, every word, every thought or motive?

Everything would change. The world would never be the same. Okay, this is it. I am taking the plunge. I am going to try this for one week...hold me accountable. I really need it. No. I really need God in control before I go out of control. I need a Daddy, I need a Friend, I need Someone to hold my hand, I need a Guide, I need a Lover. I need Jesus more than my pitiful human shell could ever know.

I Got on Just Fine without You, Thank You Very Much

Days like today really make me wonder about the deep, serious things of the world. Spinning over 1000 crepes in one day, all the while standing or running for something or jumping in to help someone leaves a lot of brain time. I had angry customers and tired co-workers and strangers who were far too interested in my life for comfort (or just stared for extended periods of time), and it all made me wonder: what the heck is the purpose of it all?

Church answer: Jesus. Honest answer: it's so hard to figure out. Everyone is running around, living their lives in the way they think is best, and basically just waiting to die. And as I stood there spinning my endless crepes, I wondered what makes me so different. Half the time you could probably say I'm doing the same thing; it could probably be said about a lot of Christians. We laugh when people give the church answer, but what's really so wrong with it? As my good friend Paul once said: "to live is Christ and to die is gain."

The last few days have been rough, but that shouldn't excuse me for becoming apathetic. Do I mean what I say, or do I just say it? I'm seriously being challenged right now.

Hardly Breathe

My lack of easily accessible netty hasn't been the only reason for such a long bout of internet silence. I've been sorting through a lot of things, fighting a lot of battles I never even conceived I would have to face, and continuing to heal my wounded heart.

God has been so good in allowing such amazing people to come alongside me and lend their support. This year is going to be a rough one. It will be amazing and like nothing I have ever seen before, both in fantastic ways and scary ones.

If I haven't been responding to your messages on Facebook or answering texts or hanging out with you as much, just assume it's not you. I've been setting new boundaries in my life that are taking a lot of different shapes, but which will hopefully help me a whole bunch in the long run. Right now it's painful and I'm struggling to be this person I know I need to be (and should have been a long time ago), but it's going to take work. Please bear with me. Please don't be offended. Please support me, because some moments I lose the ability to support myself.

Yet even through this stretching process, God has been revealing wondrous things to me. Teaching me to hear His voice again has been bittersweet in the extreme, and sometimes I still have my doubts. But thank You God for being so patient with me and continually being willing to prove Yourself to me. I am in constant awe.

I'm trying to keep the big picture in mind (which, despite appearances, is actually one of my biggest pitfalls when I let it be) while still taking one day at a time. Today is Day 2 of 231. Only 229 left to go.