Why would You Want to Take Our Love and Tear It all Apart?

I need to stop making excuses for not being who I want to be. There is this woman I sometimes see in my eyes and I want her to shine through all the time. She is lovely and politely contrary and expresses the creativity that is always threatening to break through - the creativity that I stuff down because I don't have time to express it in the brilliantly daring way it demands - and she knows where she's heading and is okay with being in love with only Jesus for her whole life and paints a sunrise on her face instead of a suitcase full of make-up to feel beautiful and exudes genuine confidence because she genuinely knows that her heart is genuine. She is wonderful and I want to embrace her with all of me, but that means letting go of the things that conflict with her character. She is also strong enough to let go of the things holding her back.

I, on the other hand (or the other side of my near-schizo personality), am weak. I suppress my passions and push my way through issues that aren't worth how it hurts my friendships and constantly question where God is leading me and am still desperately scared that no man will ever love me enough to want me forever and still feel uncomfortable not wearing make-up even after a week of keeping it minimal because I am so afraid that I am not good enough or confident enough or beautiful enough without it. I am so weak that I still hold onto the last 5% of my life with all my feeble strength in the hope of...I don't even know what. I only hold myself back.

So here comes the challenge, the dilemma. What if I just jump? What if I take hold of the woman who fiercely demands her place in my life from within my own eyes and let her rule? What if I give myself over to the part of me that longs for Jesus to have my whole heart and be the example for every action, every word, every thought or motive?

Everything would change. The world would never be the same. Okay, this is it. I am taking the plunge. I am going to try this for one week...hold me accountable. I really need it. No. I really need God in control before I go out of control. I need a Daddy, I need a Friend, I need Someone to hold my hand, I need a Guide, I need a Lover. I need Jesus more than my pitiful human shell could ever know.