Perfecting the Smokey Eye

Ah. Back to the days of words that define and make sense of what life cannot explain of its own accord. Away from hiding in my own head, thoughts churning and growing and gnawing until they become an existence unto themselves. I have missed this.

I work now. I'm full-time for the first time since I started school, and I am honestly loving it. I was unsure as to what my own self's reaction would be once I started; my personal will is occasionally  thwarted by my inner self's more prominent tastes and desires. Much to my surprise, there was no revolt and I am happily employed. It's amazing to find myself leaving work with a twinge of regret, but also with excitement to come back the next day. I haven't felt that way about a job in a very long time.

I have more health junk happening. It's like it never really ends to be honest. It feels like I'm being a downer, but in reality I am just trying to be as accurate about the Right Now as possible. Unfortunately dirt makes up a big enough portion to demand an audience, even if only of one.

I have a love with a man that is deeper than all the rest. Plumbing this ocean's depths shows me the futility of a snorkel in a kiddie pool. There are sharks and yucky seaweeds and sometimes the salt water goes up my nose, but the thrill I get down there is second to none. The beauty of breaking the surface at dawn and the candid joy of discovery at each stroke makes every wave-battered bruise worth it. I love him beyond the deep.

I read trash novels (i.e. the Left Behind series), drink boring teas, wear ugly sweaters with gusto, forget constantly how to apply make-up (though I am getting dangerously close to perfecting the smokey eye), forget the most important words in my sentences as a matter of habit, forget to eat lunch because I am caught up in my work (which I never understood in others and understand even less in myself), watch shows that embarrass my boyfriend but make me feel less alone in the world, correct run-on sentences for a living yet use them like I use my air, and forget on a regular basis why I am here at all.

Tomorrow is new. Tomorrow is useful to learn why.

Prone to Leave the God I Love

As a child, I used to imagine my hiding place with God as a garden. It was much like this one, except with many forks and a bench for us to sit on. Here I would just be with God. It was my safe place to go when I had a nightmare or just needed peace. I have not returned there in a long, long time.

More recently I have turned to the image of an island; safer, with no shadows. I don't go there much anymore, either.

This summer is being planned as one of rejuvenation instead of burnout, for once. I am creating a plan that centers around actually caring for the different needs of my body and spirit, and allowing God to do the rest. It will be interesting to see how it affects my life.

I am in a battle right now that is 100% mental. It is about maintaining focus, building strong muscles (literal and figurative), and not giving into the temptation to lie down in the desert to die. There are so many wonderful things going on in my life, so I need to focus on those and remember my reasons for living; not living as in continuing to have a body that beats and breathes and operates for the sake of itself, but living with passion as opposed to being a dead soul in a functioning body.

I am doing good, I really am, but this is a marathon. I am only just remembering my legs.

That Was Life

It's been a long time. I couldn't really tell you why. Maybe the sanctuary is gone. Maybe it's something bigger.

Life has become busy again, flowing and frustrating and full and lovely and busy. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to go, eventually. Maybe I am finally stepping into myself; not just writing about me, reading about me, processing about me; just being me.

Composing a Symphony

I will be the first to admit that I really know nothing about music. I know what I love and what stirs my soul and what makes me wish I had been born without ears, but when it comes to the mechanics I am lost. Part of it is that I get impatient when I try to learn something, even if it comes naturally, and part is that I know that my life has a different purpose driving it. But just once, it would be nice to be crazy talented. Beyond the talent, though, there is a great misunderstanding between me and music. I understand that a particular swell or key change moves my heart, but I haven't a clue about the method behind it. Yet here I sit, composing a symphony.

Breaking my life down into movements is not difficult, as they generally revolve around God. By generally, I mean absolutely. I used to define years, when I was in high school, based on the guys in my life; I look back now and see no difference because they all blend together into a mash of mistakes and brokenness. Then God came on the scene: great in power and satisfying to the massive hole that transcended every part of my being. Holla, second movement. Then, as quickly as He came, He seemed to disappear. I know now that when God looks as though He is absent, it is either I who am absent or He is teaching me something. Or both. I have been floundering in a less than graceful manner ever since. Ebb and flow, high tide and low tide, flotsam and jetsam, driftwood and motorboat. I am a mess of life composition.

Today is a triumphant hailing of this movement's final notes. Life is moving with purpose again and I have never been so excited. I have money. I have a car. I have a career plan. I have the freedom of being nearly done with school for good. I have an expectation of good things to come. I have peace. This peace has been bought at a very great price, but it was worth every agonizing minute that led me here.

Thank you, God, for perfectly timing every second.

You Are Good to Me, Oh My Lord

This is my new baby! After nearly four months of carlessness (poor Cameron, RIP my love) I am once again the owner of something with wheels. And best of all, it didn't cost $1,750 (which both of my last two did). Hallelujah! Every need, He provides.

So I just stopped in to drop off a praise report. Life is falling together and I'm shocked but totally jazzed.

At First Glance

Today has been a beautiful day. The weather is ugly and I feel equally so, but there is something magical in the air today.

I have been trying to cry for weeks, really cry from the bottom of myself, and today I was finally able. What came out was stronger, deeper and scarier than I could have imagined. But it was so good. I made some strong, deep, and scary (to match the mood) decisions, and have not felt so good in months. There is an end in sight. There is control and safety and irresponsibility and uncertainty and life in sight. In sight. That sounds so good to me.

Somewhere with You

laughing loud on a carnival ride

Exciting activity of the week: I kind of want to do cartwheels all the way down the driveway, and I do mean all the way.

pick me up at 3am

Decision of the week: I tried, and I'm done. This working isn't. <- Profound. I need to do something that excites me! I will not waste my life. Therefore, I need a new church.

the rain came down and we took cover

Thought of the week: I am just waiting for everything to come crashing down. I am afraid of being done in by my own stupidity and scaredness.

I hate my life, hold onto me

Love of the week: Doritos. I have not had one, but I need one. And then another. And then three bags. Yes, doritos.

it's just a temporary high, because when I close my eyes...

Sweet Means Bad Butt...Poor Naked Guy, He should have Left His Clothes On

So, my life.

How do I stop the whirlwind?

I cannot.

Everyone is gone. I really should be, too.

And I am tired. I am so tired.

ENOUGH!!

I need to be pro-active instead of passive.

Things I will do over Christmas break:

1. Read some of Gone with the Wind.
2. Go home today (Monday).
3. Do some writing.
4. Play piano.
5. Go to bed before 1AM.
6. Wake up before 12PM.
7. Eat lots of baking.
8. Do my physio work-outs.
9. Stay in contact with the people I want to, and let go of the obligation for everyone else. I will see them soon anyways.
10. Celebrate the half-way mark.

Yes I realize that for the most part these are rather ambiguous and it will probably be unclear whether or not I have actually accomplished what I set out to do, but I need goals! I don't care if they're MAP or SMART or whatever else they're "supposed to be," they will stop me from going crazy because I will have something to aim for and they will stop me from freaking out if I fail because I was not exactly specific to begin with.

Last additions:

1. I will take the things given to me by doctors.
2. I will read my Bible every day.
3. I will do things I want to do without apologies.
4. I will enjoy Christmas.
5. And I guess I will finish my papers.

Okay. I am going to make it.

Broken Lights on the Freeway

This could be the way I am for the rest of my life.

I want to be that strong person again. It's all selfish; I want to be admired, praised, commended. Instead He is leaving me in a place of absolute humility. I am down on the floor and cannot feel Him at all.

I don't want to have to be strong anymore. Not really. It's so much effort to keep my head up, hold the tears back and hide the words screaming to be let out.

So then it comes down to fear. Today I could not stay in my class for the last hour because I could not hold back the tears. I was a mess. Without strength there is fear. So am I more afraid of becoming a dazzling statue again - the kind that is rock solid marble, cold and hard and without life; the immovable dead - or of what people might say and do if I just start crying in the middle of Senior Seminar?

It's confession time. Every day, the pull that is Overwhelm staggers closer and closer until I can feel him beneath my feet, in my lungs, over my head. He comes on painfully slow, but I cannot bring myself to move. If I let myself get caught up completely, I am finished; there will not be a person in this body to resurrect again.

I am doing everything I can. I sleep more. I eat more. I read my Bible more. I talk less and listen more. I don't get bogged down by stress. I have hope in the things that are sure. ...And guess what? I am still not okay.

This could be the way I am for the rest of my life.

Hello Mr. Heartache

I feel kind of like I am waiting for my life to happen.

When does it begin? When do the trivialities cease in favour of an existence worth pursuing? When do dreams stop hanging on my walls and over my head and in my sleep, and start becoming the reality I know they were made to be?

When do I wake up from everything I could never be to the woman who always was but was too afraid to show her face?

"One of the saddest experiences is to awaken at old age and discover that one has been using only a small part of self."

- V. W. Burroughs

Find me here. Meet me here. In the depths of my pain, in the sorrow that is too profound for words. In these things is where I need You the most. In these things I drown. I need living water, the kind that does not make me thirst again; then I can stop drowning in a sea I am desperately trying to swallow in a futile attempt at quenching my craving. Be my everything.

I Think about It Over and Over Again

Things are slowly sinking in.

• I will not excel this semester the way I am used to.
• People think things about me that are unchangeable.
• Change will come. Slowly.
• Life will not turn out how I expected, and most likely not the way I want.

And then there are the other things. I have two bags and a suitcase full of make-up that do not see me the way God sees me. Sometimes I still believe a can of Pepsi will save my day. I have Facebook messages from years ago that I am afraid to delete. I have a Twenty in my Bible that still hasn't hit my heart.

Every day, I am still on the verge of losing myself all over again.

How Can I Stand Here with You and not Be Moved by You?

What is pressing on my mind? Marriage, surprisingly (or not so much, considering I'm currently in a marriage class).

I have had a recent realization that blows the lid off everything I thought I thought about marriage: I have never before connected my ideal marriage situation to the person I am currently dating.

Wow.

I'm not dating now, nor do I want to, but there are always possibilities floating in the periphery of my satisfied single state. Yesterday I found myself thinking about what it would be like to end up with this one guy, and I was suddenly shocked to realize that I was interested despite how little he resembles the man I know I need. I'm not talking about nit-picky things like toothpaste squeezing technique or what colour hair he has or if his hands are bigger than mine; I'm talking about the absolute essentials. He has to have a heart for full-time ministry! That one is a no-brainer, and if I let go of that one I have already sold myself out. He has to love God more than me. He has to be crazy PASSIONATE about things, not just float through life complacent with sort of liking some general things that make good small talk. And he has to be just plain crazy to want a house full of kids and me.

I know these things. In the deepest recesses of my heart I know these things, yet when a guy is pursuing me I forget to hold him up against these things. I get caught up in whether or not he makes me laugh, on the colour of his eyes or the way his singing makes me melt. I forget how precious my heart is and how easily it can be broken by anyone but whoever the one will be. I forget how high my standards are when some guy with a killer smile looks my way.

It's pathetic!

In the words of Randy Remington, Tom Gardiner, and whoever else will most likely tell me in the next few days (keeping in true form, as God always does): "Choose wisely."

Of Consequence

I'm trying to figure out where I stand.



Am I okay with this life, exactly the way it is, exactly where I'm at? Or should I have packed my bags and headed to Greece or back to Cuba or some lost island in the Pacific by now? When I look back in ten years, slightly more settled than now, will I regret that I spent the most fun-possible years of my life strapped into Bible college and holding a non-paying career that would better fit someone in their thirties?



Am I stupid to believe in a one true love? Here I sit: flat on my butt, waiting for the man of my dreams, because my heart has been convinced that there will only be one guy for me. Is having fun until he shows up really not an option? And what if there is never any "he" to show up? If he doesn't exist, I'm waiting around on a misty, dreamy, pathetic nothing.



Do rules really mean anything? Right and wrong? Good and bad? Just words, or do they have the eternal meaning I've been brought up with? At times I feel so settled in my convictions, and then BAM! I find myself at a loss for stability; I am no longer on the solid ground of fact. Rather, I am consumed with pondering my existence and if it's wasting away before my eyes.



Question of the day. If I were not accountable to anyone, if I felt no obligation to anyone: my family, church, friends, school; if they just didn't care or I somehow stopped caring if they cared, would I walk away? Would I abandon God's call on my life and just flit away into oblivion? Would I take the high road still, or would I allow myself to fall away and become the person only created in my most horrible nightmares and most daring, exhilarating dreams? Nevermind question of the day. This is the question of my life.



So the ultimate question I am left with is one I don't want to face. It's boring holes through my brain as I type, and I'm trying to ignore it. But here it is, hopelessly drawing itself out of the depths of...myself? Here it is, bringing itself before the world for judgment. Here it is:



Are all these questions inconsequential? Even though I mean them, does my heart already know the answer? Is the deepest part of my soul already crying: "HOLD OUT! DON'T LET GO!"? Because I fear that deep down, I have no choice, no options. Free will? No way. He's told me what He wants from me, and now that I know...how do I turn away? This scared-to-death-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feeling I'm getting right now tells me that I don't know what I think; I don't want to know what I think. I've been falling in love with Him every day since the day I turned eighteen, but is that enough?



I don't know if it's enough.