I've Been Dying to Tell You Anything You Want to Hear

AHHH

I have a million billion trillion things to do, and that is just the homework. Forget about how I cannot go a day without Starbucks or all the random little things I have to do that I really should have done a long time ago or my devotions that I cannot skip because whenever I do I feel like crap and not just because I am obligated but because I miss Him or stupid stuff like laundry or all this stupid car stuff that I just cannot deal with right now or the crazy ridiculous number of appointments I have to go to and how they never seem to end or make anything better or gratis or doing things that actually make me feel good.

I'm in one of those moods again. It's the kind where I want to jump in my car (shut up) and drive along the coast until I get somewhere warm enough to wear a dress and take off my shoes to walk in the waves and eat away all my money and dye my hair blond and fall in love with some wonderful man who doesn't know who I have been and write music and write books and surf and maybe even get a tan. Right now.

But, I cannot.

Big sigh (it's been a big sigh week).

1. I have no car.

2. I have school.

3. I am in debt and therefore don't even have money to eat away.

4. Dresses can be overrated.

5. As if. You know.

6. I have no freaking car.

So. Where does that leave me? Well, lots of papers and assignments of exams. Drivingless, which is usually how I work out my issues. In a ridiculous-for-having-no-snow cold climate. Dressless. Manless. Here.

I guess I could still go blond, though.

Of Consequence

I'm trying to figure out where I stand.



Am I okay with this life, exactly the way it is, exactly where I'm at? Or should I have packed my bags and headed to Greece or back to Cuba or some lost island in the Pacific by now? When I look back in ten years, slightly more settled than now, will I regret that I spent the most fun-possible years of my life strapped into Bible college and holding a non-paying career that would better fit someone in their thirties?



Am I stupid to believe in a one true love? Here I sit: flat on my butt, waiting for the man of my dreams, because my heart has been convinced that there will only be one guy for me. Is having fun until he shows up really not an option? And what if there is never any "he" to show up? If he doesn't exist, I'm waiting around on a misty, dreamy, pathetic nothing.



Do rules really mean anything? Right and wrong? Good and bad? Just words, or do they have the eternal meaning I've been brought up with? At times I feel so settled in my convictions, and then BAM! I find myself at a loss for stability; I am no longer on the solid ground of fact. Rather, I am consumed with pondering my existence and if it's wasting away before my eyes.



Question of the day. If I were not accountable to anyone, if I felt no obligation to anyone: my family, church, friends, school; if they just didn't care or I somehow stopped caring if they cared, would I walk away? Would I abandon God's call on my life and just flit away into oblivion? Would I take the high road still, or would I allow myself to fall away and become the person only created in my most horrible nightmares and most daring, exhilarating dreams? Nevermind question of the day. This is the question of my life.



So the ultimate question I am left with is one I don't want to face. It's boring holes through my brain as I type, and I'm trying to ignore it. But here it is, hopelessly drawing itself out of the depths of...myself? Here it is, bringing itself before the world for judgment. Here it is:



Are all these questions inconsequential? Even though I mean them, does my heart already know the answer? Is the deepest part of my soul already crying: "HOLD OUT! DON'T LET GO!"? Because I fear that deep down, I have no choice, no options. Free will? No way. He's told me what He wants from me, and now that I know...how do I turn away? This scared-to-death-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feeling I'm getting right now tells me that I don't know what I think; I don't want to know what I think. I've been falling in love with Him every day since the day I turned eighteen, but is that enough?



I don't know if it's enough.