Just a Teensy One

Just thought I'd drop in for a teensy update:

• I'm officially done working at the church, tomorrow I'm done with crepes, and Tuesday I start my new job! Somehow God always provides; it's the most amazing thing!
• 3 months, 6 days, and counting.
• My last year of school officially begins next Tuesday. Time flies like I can't even explain.
• I'm currently reading Lamentations and loving it. The more I read, the more it means, and the more it means, the more my life changes. Brilliant!
• I'm so scared of so many things right now, but I can honestly say I have overcome my worst fear. I am no longer afraid of being alone.

The last one is the most significant. Where once I would have done anything to avoid being alone, I now know the only One who can forever hold me requires nothing to put myself in His arms. I am not alone and I never will be again. No matter what trials may come or who may ditch out of my life or die or simply move on, I am still not alone. I am never alone.

If I Leave My Heart with You Tonight

I just dropped Jon off at the airport. Got up at 4am, no biggie. It's not a long time away by any means, but when you spend months on end seeing someone every single day, it's a shock to the system to be away for even one day. How will I ever survive eleven?! ...Heh. It's going to be a nice break and it means lots of free time to do things I need to get done but never seem to have time for. But darn it I miss him already.

There is nothing more beautiful than watching the sun rise over blue mountains and misty fields. I don't know what it is, but on this particular occasion the morning air makes me feel like I'm back in first year Bible College. I'm suddenly transported back to a similar scene: sun rising, misty field with a stand-alone tree and a cool, damp path to breakfast. It makes me think of sitting in a windowsill during sunset, a hot pink bedspread in a blue room, learning how to curl my hair, late night talks with a beautiful woman who I miss dearly, coffee stains on the carpet every morning, shower hugs and pebbles on my window. I don't know where this came from, but it's like I'm there, like I'm that person. What I wouldn't give to go back and tell her all the things I know now, all the things I wish I'd known then. Things would be so different.

But they're not. So here I am, a person who is learning and slipping and still crawling through the wilderness, being dragged through the mud in preparation for all that God has for me. Half the time, yes, I am the one who throws myself down, ties myself to the horse and then hits it with a stick, but I'm learning to better judge situations by God's standards and not my own. And when other people tie me to the horse "for my own good" or the horse just knocks me over, I'm getting better at overcoming, standing back up, and continuing on. Thank God that through all this He is carrying the load, or at least as much as I will give Him at any one time, and I do not have to do this alone.

Prone to Leave the God I Love

As a child, I used to imagine my hiding place with God as a garden. It was much like this one, except with many forks and a bench for us to sit on. Here I would just be with God. It was my safe place to go when I had a nightmare or just needed peace. I have not returned there in a long, long time.

More recently I have turned to the image of an island; safer, with no shadows. I don't go there much anymore, either.

This summer is being planned as one of rejuvenation instead of burnout, for once. I am creating a plan that centers around actually caring for the different needs of my body and spirit, and allowing God to do the rest. It will be interesting to see how it affects my life.

I am in a battle right now that is 100% mental. It is about maintaining focus, building strong muscles (literal and figurative), and not giving into the temptation to lie down in the desert to die. There are so many wonderful things going on in my life, so I need to focus on those and remember my reasons for living; not living as in continuing to have a body that beats and breathes and operates for the sake of itself, but living with passion as opposed to being a dead soul in a functioning body.

I am doing good, I really am, but this is a marathon. I am only just remembering my legs.

You Are Stronger, Sin Is Broken

For the first time in more than four weeks, I am finally alone. More than anything, I now realize that it is alone time that I miss while on this trip. There is not a moment, sleeping or waking, eating or walking, even in the bathroom, that is not surrounded by people. I love people, but, for me, refreshing only comes from solitude. My first thought when they left the church? Time to put on some tunes and blog. Until now it's been music in my head because, let's be real, how do I sing when I'm surrounded only by people who actually can? That's another thing: a soul release is singing and I've been deprived of that as well. I also want the time to blog about what's really on my mind and not just the meager scratchings off the edge of my consciousness at the end of the day when all of me is dying for sleep.

Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it; seal it for Thy courts above.

I am not doing well. I do not get homesick very easily, but this is getting ridiculous. All I want to do is go home, sit in my room drinking tea, and read the Twilight series all by myself. Actually. Then I will eat by myself. Then I will sleep by myself. Shower, sing, cook, drive, go for walks...by myself. I love people, especially some people, but I need to get myself back together. This trip has been more draining than I expected. I am struggling with the physical, mental and spiritual wars that I already fight every day, and these have only been magnified by crazy food schedules and too little sleep and annoyances and too much sleep.

But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

There is officially one week left, and I will make it through.

Sidetrack: I thought I was alone until the pastor of the church came upstairs and we just had the sickest talk. That kind of alone time I can handle: the kind where I am being poured into and encouraged by someone wiser than myself. What an encouragement! It has been so long since a stranger who so clearly knows nothing about me speaks so clearly into who God has called me to be. His main premise: if I am called to preach, preach. Don't get shoved into children's work or youth work or doing the dishes just because I am a woman. Preach the Gospel whether they are 8 or 80 and do it with the confidence that comes from being called with purpose of God. And be mentored under a person who loves the Word, heals the sick when they pray, and will be a positive enforcer of gifts. Wow. This is what I needed right now. Everything else I was going to write was about confusion for the summer and just how exhausting it is to not know my next step, but this really was refreshing. Thank You, Lord.

I Don't Know how to Be Something You Miss

Whenever dreams become reality, I wonder why I am surprised.

I do not know how to be more clear.

I AM GREAT WITHOUT YOU.

BETTER THAN GREAT.

I HATE YOUR WORDS.

I HATE YOUR THOUGHTS.

I HATE YOUR DECEPTION.

LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

Day 82

That is 35.49%. And I am frustrated.

I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be. ...I am.

Yesterday's blog, reading it now with fresh eyes, hurts. It hurts to read, hurts to realize that it is really the condition of my heart. I hoped that releasing it out into the universe would help, but it hasn't. Every single time, another piece of me dies and I need to work to raise it from the dead. I sound pathetic, but I assure you I am not; I am extremely level-headed in this matter for the most part and I am under no illusions.

But why does it do this to me then? Why has it left me limping, clutching my chest, and without fingers that only know how to type painful, ironic diatribes. I need to walk so I can get away; I need to have a heart that works so I can love someone deserving and give God what He demands; and, I need need need to type papers so that I can pass this semester and be done with it.

Please, please, leave me alone. Amazing how not so far in the past I would have done nearly anything not to be, and now it is all I want in the world.

Leave me alone.

Leave. Me. ALONE!

I should be writing a paper right now, but I am actually so bothered that I am incapable of doing so until I get this off my chest.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

I'm tired of this. Sick and tired. You have no respect for me whatsoever. You didn't then, and you sure as hell don't know. Don't feed me crap about caring or being sorry or whatever else you've come up with. This whole not talking thing is not ending any time soon. It's been months and I still don't think it's been long enough to feel enough of a gap between us. What exactly runs through your mind in situations like these? Options:

A) Maybe she's not mad anymore. I am. More so than I thought.

B) Because she won't talk to me, I'll send her cruel, lying messages when I look at her. I hated you lying before, and it's no more acceptable now.

C) Because she won't talk to me, I'll send her highly inappropriate messages through my eyes that I fully mean. Inappropriate. Keep your eyes to yourself.

D) As if I haven't made her life a living hell as it is, I will actively make it worse and bring up all her worst memories so that they are rubbed in her face at every possible opportunity. Ouch.

I don't know if any of these are true, maybe all of them are just speculation. If so, I do not want to know what the truth is. Or maybe at some point they're all true. If so...like I said, leave me alone.

I am not a grudge person in general, so these big emotions surprise and almost scare me. I thought I was beyond this. But then again, I thought you were too.

Ugh! Enough! I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want someone else to control me even in the slightest. I want to move past this and get on with my life, without you in it. I don't know what else to say. Most of the time...I just pity you. That saddens me, possibly more than anything else.

A plea. You may never see this. But still, a plea. Just...leave me be. I am trying to heal, not just from you but from everything else life has thrown at me. Let me do that in peace. I cannot afford to feel this bad anymore.

Please.

Hearing those Words, it Makes Me Weak

I'm sitting here feeling disillusioned and alone. To make things perfect, I'm probably hungry and tired and angry too. Drug of choice, anyone?

I have plans for the next while (big plans!) and they just keep getting shut down. I've been stupid and haven't spent enough effort keeping myself sane. Now, here I sit in a full room of emptiness and I have to stay silent to keep from screaming.

WHAT IS THE POINT?

I had some realizations last night. There are certain people who I will never have in my life again because they're simply not good enough. The next eight months are not about counting, but succeeding. I'm broken but still loved.

But...but...what is the point?

You Make the Darkness Disappear

I think I have been dwelling in darkness for a long, long time; in so many ways, on so many levels.

I have not been acting as one who lives in the Light. I have been so much better lately, but up until the last two months I was a mess of a hypocrite.

I was walking blind, consumed in a darkness that fogged my spiritual vision until I became nothing more than some sort of mythical, nighttime creature.

My desert (the constant picture of where my spiritual walk was at), though portrayed in bright sunshine, was its own kind of darkness; nothing but horizon and blue sky endlessly is darkness, too. No contact with other humanity is darkness.

I used to describe myself with words like "lost" and "without purpose." Time and time again, my chant rang out: "I don't know what to be without you around!" I felt honest-to-goodness alone.

But I feel found when You stand near. I know what I am when You are here. I know where I am, and my place in Your world becomes so clear. Who drives my soul? Only You.

Maybe I'm a Girl / Maybe I'm a Lonely Girl / Who's in the Middle of Something / That She doesn't Really Understand

Maybe I'm a girl /

And maybe you're the only man /

Who could ever help me /

Baby won't you help me understand?

Over and over and over this song plays in my head. Why? No idea. Maybe it's because I'm a lonely girl who's in the middle of something that she doesn't really understand.

I am frivolous. Today I bought myself some bling. The last and only time I bought jewelry for myself was when I was in California the summer I graduated and bought myself a crappy $5 rose ring to commemorate the trip. This time it was diamond earrings. Why? No idea. Maybe it's because I'm a lonely girl who's in the middle of something that she doesn't really understand.

Right now I am torn. I think all men must enjoy tearing stuff up or something. They're really darn good at it. Why do I let you treat me this way and put up with it? Why do I not stand up and say that the good doesn't always outweigh the bad? Maybe it's because there's a possibility you're the only man who could ever help me. Baby, won't you help me understand?

Dumped

Last night I dumped my imaginary boyfriend. He's not imaginary in the usual sense of the word, though. When children have imaginary friends, they play with them and pretend to see them and talk as if they're real. My difference, I guess, is that I know he's not real but I talk to him anyway. It gives me somewhere to vent and voice my feelings without actually having repercussions. And let's face it, he listens better than any other guy I know.

It was never over-the-top crazy or as if I thought I actually had a boyfriend, and I realize that I'm making it sound worse and worse by the second, but I've just felt really...un-heard lately. Even people who are paid to listen to me don't seem interested. And the solitude. Once talking to myself got old, I realized that an imaginary boyfriend was the best solution. Of course he would understand my point of view and still love me no matter what I'd done that day, and I'd never have to deal with all the messy parts of relationships.

I just realized I sound like the girl from that movie...you know, the one where she has an imaginary boyfriend? I was never to the point where I couldn't have a real one because the fake one told me I couldn't; I have never pretended to the entire world that he really does exist and everyone just happens to not be around whenever he comes by. In fact, this is the first time I've shared about this at all.

It was silly, childish, whatever else you want to call it. But it helped.

And now to why I dumped him. Lying in my bed, talking to him because that's better than conversing with myself, I realized that I just need to be okay when it's just me. No pretend man in my head, no real one by my side, and no just-in-case's for if I'm lonely. I hate being lonely...but I need to grow up at some point. Who am I when it's just me alone in the room? What do I think about? Who do I become? I need to really discover her, know her, bring her to the surface and to all situations before I can ever bring someone else into this mess.

So I dumped him, started a new journey, and went to sleep by myself...with the help of my Panda named Craig.

Full of Words, But Not the Right Ones

Tonight I sat in a car and had one of those alone-in-a-packed-room experiences. Literally packed full, and me alone in the midst of it. But what could I say?

I am so full of words to write, to think, to say...and none of them are the ones I need right now. Did I say too much tonight? Did I let a moment slip me by at 6:52pm? I am freer and more confined at the same time than I have ever been. Will February define me, or do I have to wait around for April? Is this the wrong music for an uplifted mood? Red is definitely my colour. I cannot wait until Monday afternoon. Who will I be tomorrow?

And it's enough thoughts to build a city, but none of them will bring anyone to it.

This is Blog

You've taken away my words. My breath too. My sanity.

I am alone.

Maybe I'm Just Making Myself All These Things

Today fit the pieces together and suddenly it starts to make sense. It's probably not your fault. Inconveniently, I don't really think it's mine either. I'm just crazy. Perfect.

God, it's so hard to say that I need You. I like to be strong. But I cannot do this on my own anymore.

Never Ever

My greatest fear used to be that I would die alone. Once all my blood family was dead and gone, to have never married and be completely alone used to terrify me.

Things change.

I have come to realize that I am capable of getting over terrible heartache, simply by putting it out of my mind and telling myself that life goes on. My greatest fear is no longer being alone; rather I fear never loving someone enough that if they left or died I could never in all my life get over it.

Without a love like that, is there any point at all?

Salvation

The other day I picked up a random book sitting on a random table in the rec room. It's from a class I'm not taking and will probably never take. But it spoke to my soul.

One chapter was speaking about the wilderness. There are three examples in the Bible of people going off into the wilderness: the Israelites wandering for forty years until the old generation were all dead and God could bring the new generation into the land of promise; Jesus being led into the wilderness by the Holy Spirit to fast forty days and then be tempted by the devil; and then David being chased into the wilderness to save his life from King Saul.

It was David's story that spoke to me the most. He is my hero of the Bible. When I read his story, he is the person who I can most relate to. I know that we as Christians living in the 21st century tend to look back on his mistakes and say "Come on! How stupid can you be? You're intimate with God, now live like it!", but that is so far from how we actually execute our daily lives. I am a big one for messing up, especially, it seems, right after I have just had the most incredible encounter with God. Things will be going amazing with our relationship, we will be closer than ever before...and I'll fall. Maybe not an adulterous, murdering and lying all-in-one kind of situation, but the kind of sin that still makes me hang my head in shame. And the worst part? I still try to justify it! I will use everything in my possession, including scripture, to try and twist what I have done into what I can call "acceptable." I have a disease.

So here is David. Anointed to be the next king over all Israel. God's chosen one. And where is he? Hiding out in caves in the desert surrounding the Dead Sea. He may not have made any HUGE blunders yet, but he's still human. So he's in this place without civilization, with only a few hundred men loyal to him. He has the king and all his men out looking for him so that they can kill him. And what happens while he is out in the middle of nowhere? David finds God.

The times when I have felt closest to God have almost always been just me and Him, standing in the middle of His natural creation. Not man-made configurations birthed out of His earth, but the things He always meant to be here: trees, water, sky. Just Him allowing me to breathe in the greatness of who He is.

I want to escape!! What is the greatest yearning in my heart? To stand in the middle of a field, alone with Him, freely drinking in all that He is and all that I am within Him. Floating in the middle of the ocean, with nothing to think about except the smell of the sea and how long He has waited to spend this moment with me. Lying on a dock in the middle of the night, staring up at His stars (Shack-style), sharing the experience with the Creator of it all, with the One who named each and every dazzling piece of light.

So what am I doing here? If I feel that I should be "out there" somewhere, finding myself in the midst of nothing except He who made me, what in the world am I doing at this school, in this city, at this moment? YMI. Why am I here? It's so over-used, but it's had me thinking lately. I'm here to pursue God, to come to know Him better. My purpose is to be trained up so that I can go into the world and win souls for Him.

And then I examine my life.

I am a mess. Right now, there is very little in my life that I am proud of, and that might as well be thrown in a ditch when I look at the other stuff I have to compare it to. My thoughts are not holy, the desires of my heart have been ravaged (and I've allowed them to be), and my actions are less than how I know I should be living. And what do I do? I pull a David. I cover up one sin with another until I can no longer see where one ends and the next begins. And then I punish myself. I attempt to get back on track with God, but all the lies inside of me are screaming that I will never make it back. My Father will never accept me the way that I now am. And even if He forgives me, we will never be in the same place we were before.

I'm looking out at the snow. It's falling more heavily than before, and it's breath-taking. God knew what He was doing when He decided that frozen precipitation might be a neat idea. And it instills this peace in my spirit that I have not felt in a very long time.

Peace is being right with God: in my heart, in my actions, in everything I say and think. I'm not there. When I try to feign peace, I feel this choking feeling inside my chest and I know I need to give it all up to Him. But I can't.

WHY CAN'T I LET GO?! It's like I've given up 75% of myself to God, but the other 25% I just can't unclench my fists in order to release it up to Him. The hardest part? Knowing it used to only by 5% left. I'm sinking deeper and I don't know why.

I've come up with every excuse in the book.
1. If I didn't have money problems, it would be easier to rely on God. That is the biggest lie, and I know it even as I think it. He has never failed to provide me with everything I need. If I had it all, I'd have even less reason to have faith in Him. Even I know that's why He keeps me at this level of income. None. I need Him.
2. If I were already with the person I'm going to spend my life with, I would be happier. Somehow I've become convinced that once I'm married, the rest will be easy to give up. I know it's not true. But until I find the root of the lie, I don't know how to let go of it.
3. If I could just get away, start all over, it would be easier to follow Him and not stray; it's the people I know who cause this. I am so good at playing the blame game. And it has to stop. Changing my surroundings or the people in my life WILL NOT change the way I am. I need to get that through my head and accept it.

So there are my issues. Out for everyone to read. I want a wilderness, but I'm in one right now. There are no familiar surroundings, and I'm drowning in the aloneness of the situation. Like David, I have those few who are still by my side, but it feels as if everyone else is just out to destroy me. And my biggest enemy? Myself. I need need NEED to learn to be on my own side. A divided kingdom will not stand...

But there's hope. A very tiny light at the end of the tunnel. It's right there in David's story. What does He find in the wilderness? His salvation. He finds God.

"I Want You, I Need You"

The more frustrated I get, the more I'm realizing how crazy my priorities are.

I am stressed beyond belief because of finals and trying to finish all my assignments on time, I have no car and almost no money to get a new one that I desperately need, and I'm not getting enough sleep to nurture my battered body back to health. But where is my head in all of this? Marriage.

What is wrong with me? I've barely begun life on my own, and all I want in the whole world is to give myself completely over to someone else. My life is a mess (but are lives ever not?), and I want someone else to come in and either help me tidy up or just sit with my in the midst of the chaos.

Then I remember that there's someone who loves me more than life itself, and he is desperately trying to romance me. The same way I'm waiting for the perfect person to come along and sweep me away, Jesus is waiting for me to acknowledge his attempts and love him the way he loves me. And being the jealous God that he is, he's waiting for me to fall for him before I'm allowed to fall for someone else.

I often wondered why I was never as close to God as I wanted to be, until a couple months ago it was revealed to me: I am desperately afraid to let him love me. My experience on this earth has told me that any time someone said they loved me and promised me that I could count on them, they left. And it was always my fault. So how could I offer myself up once again to someone promising love and expect him to stand by my side, even in the rough times? Impossible.

It has taken so long to finally let him in, to let him love on me the way he wants to. I still push him away all the time, afraid of how much this will hurt if it ends. I still cannot wrap my head around the idea that he will NEVER leave. Ever. And no matter how many times I mess things up or try to push him away or get too emotional, he won't throw his hands up in the air and tell me he's through. How did I get so lucky?

Yet even knowing all that I do, I still try to do things on my own. I give it "all" to God, but tell him that there's just this one space in my life that I've got under control and I don't need him meddling in. Or when he tries to go deeper with me, I push him off and tell him that it's really okay, I'm good for now. I tell the maker of the universe that I'm fine without whatever it is he wants to reveal to me. In fact, I'm just fine here on my own. ...but I know, deep down, that's not really true. The human condition that we all suffer from is loneliness. Here is the one who wants to cure my disease, and I push away the remedy.

So this is why I'm still single. This is why I don't yet have my hubs and everything that comes with. I'm still too stubborn to let God all the way in. I haven't yet figured out how to be loved. Thankfully he has enough grace to sit through the process with me and whisper in my ear all the ways that he has planned to make me fall more in love with him than ever. And with every word, I get a little bit closer to trusting him.