You Are Stronger, Sin Is Broken

For the first time in more than four weeks, I am finally alone. More than anything, I now realize that it is alone time that I miss while on this trip. There is not a moment, sleeping or waking, eating or walking, even in the bathroom, that is not surrounded by people. I love people, but, for me, refreshing only comes from solitude. My first thought when they left the church? Time to put on some tunes and blog. Until now it's been music in my head because, let's be real, how do I sing when I'm surrounded only by people who actually can? That's another thing: a soul release is singing and I've been deprived of that as well. I also want the time to blog about what's really on my mind and not just the meager scratchings off the edge of my consciousness at the end of the day when all of me is dying for sleep.

Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it; seal it for Thy courts above.

I am not doing well. I do not get homesick very easily, but this is getting ridiculous. All I want to do is go home, sit in my room drinking tea, and read the Twilight series all by myself. Actually. Then I will eat by myself. Then I will sleep by myself. Shower, sing, cook, drive, go for walks...by myself. I love people, especially some people, but I need to get myself back together. This trip has been more draining than I expected. I am struggling with the physical, mental and spiritual wars that I already fight every day, and these have only been magnified by crazy food schedules and too little sleep and annoyances and too much sleep.

But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

There is officially one week left, and I will make it through.

Sidetrack: I thought I was alone until the pastor of the church came upstairs and we just had the sickest talk. That kind of alone time I can handle: the kind where I am being poured into and encouraged by someone wiser than myself. What an encouragement! It has been so long since a stranger who so clearly knows nothing about me speaks so clearly into who God has called me to be. His main premise: if I am called to preach, preach. Don't get shoved into children's work or youth work or doing the dishes just because I am a woman. Preach the Gospel whether they are 8 or 80 and do it with the confidence that comes from being called with purpose of God. And be mentored under a person who loves the Word, heals the sick when they pray, and will be a positive enforcer of gifts. Wow. This is what I needed right now. Everything else I was going to write was about confusion for the summer and just how exhausting it is to not know my next step, but this really was refreshing. Thank You, Lord.

It Went So Fast, and Now...

I don't have time for this right now, but if I don't make time for it then it will never happen. This is my first blog of December. I didn't know what to write until now. Now is as good a time as any.

I'm moving off dorms today. Most people have already been gone a week. I said it's because I'm working near here and there's still so much to do, but truth be told... when I leave, it's for good and I'm scared. This has been my home for almost a year and a half, and every step I take is a reminder of times gone by. Maybe this will be good for me, to finally shake the ghosts of this decrepit building and move on with my life. I feel like it will be a good in between, the basement suite; close enough to be able to walk here any time I want, far enough that I can ignore this place whenever I want.

This was not a good semester for me. It could have never happened, and I don't know if I would have noticed. I wrecked a lot of things, hurt myself and hurt others. I gained a lot of close friendships, and that in itself is worth it, but I wish there had been more. I'm walking away with a sense of dissatisfaction instead of accomplishment. I wish I could go back to September 8th and restart all over again. Maybe then I wouldn't have to face this person every morning.

There have been underlying things going on that I'm not going to go into detail about. As far as I can tell, everyone has underlying crap and if they don't ask about mine, it's not that they don't know it's there...they just don't want to know. Sometimes I guess it's easier to believe the worst about people instead of taking the time to find out the "why"s.

Stripping this room is going to feel so good. Knowing I never again have to take a shower in one of these can't-maneuver, no-pressure, burning-hot-to-freezing-cold-without-warning excuse for a shower, well, it's a beautiful thing. These mattresses are out of my life for good. I get a full closet to myself. There will be privacy when I want it. No curfew. What I want to eat, whenever I want it. TV all the time.

And yet. I'll never again call this place home. No room to run up to quickly for a sweater or my homework or nail polish to help boys with their guitar playing. No aframe downstairs where I know that no matter what's happening up here, down there will be good times. And as much as I hate the meals, I love the community feel of it. Truth be told, I'm really going to miss this place.

I have some incredible memories here. Maybe leaving will make them that much sweeter. That's all I can really hope for.

Are Not

The more days that go by on this break, the more I realize that life is just not the same.

Breakfast is not breakfast without choose-your-own eggs, which for me is always scrambled with cheese (even though if I were anywhere else I would never choose it).

Tuesdays are not Tuesdays without mini-church. Especially the secretly trying to escape to do homework while wishing the whole time I could stay and forget about it.

Showers are not showers without random girls running through at all times, mold growing all around, and pressure/temperature that changes every thirty seconds.

Wednesdays are not Wednesdays without "Wonderful Wednesday Dinner," arriving 15 minutes early for no reason at all, and then feeling dumb for the next 14 minutes until everyone else shows up.

Homework isn't homework without the pool breaks (even when all I'm doing is reading ahead for next semester).

Thursdays are not Thursdays without chicken strips. I so dearly miss chicken strips.

Weekends are not weekends without lame chick flicks, procrastination, multiple church services and changing seven times a day.

Car rides are not car rides without guys "pretending" to make out, fighting for shot-gun and Timmies.

And waking up is not waking up without people to see the second I open my eyes until the second I fall asleep.