Just a Giant One

Tonight was not about me. It was about a lot of things and people, but most certainly did not revolve around me.

I did, however, get something out of it. And it's big.

One person, crazy enough to believe they can change the world, can. One person who is willing to stand up when everyone sits down under the crushing weight of oppression or the insignificant weight of embarrassment can cause others to stand, even if it's just to fall. One person following God's lead instead of their own can change an entire generation.

I want to be the one, you know? And I think I have it buried somewhere within me, or maybe it's more surface-level than I can see, but I want it to define me. I want to be used and consumed by God until I die and can really start living without the glaring flesh and sting of death. I have some things about myself I need to change first, though.

I don't love people enough. I love them in theory, just as I have spent most of my life loving God in theory, but when it comes down to it I don't love them enough to spend every ounce of myself sharing who God is with them. I don't love others enough to gently guide them instead of trampling their insides with my opinions; truth given in the wrong way at the wrong time is too often mistaken for falsehood.

I am too hard on myself. I let one mistake define me and I have a knack for taking humility to a wrong level. Couple that with bouts of egomania and I become a hindrance, not a help, to the Kingdom.

But, praise God, He's working things out in me. I am repairing relationships in my life like a madwoman, stepping up and having the hard conversations, and soaking up His word like nobody's business. I am letting Him work, so He is. No matter what else, no matter how I am or who I am or what happens, He Is.

Day 150

Also known as the day I can officially stop counting. But I do not want this to change my resolve. No matter how drunk on freedom I might be, I need to stay strong.

All I know right now is that I am very very tired and need sleep more than these delicious chili crispy minis or the heater or Community.

Oh, and I really like wasting time.

Cried the Whole Way Home

. change is inevitable . change is moving in the right direction . change is letting go of who you used to be . change is often imperceptible . change follows no rules . change confines . change never loses the war . change is forgetting what you once loved to embrace what you now must love . change makes or breaks . change is inevitable .

"Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be." - John Wooden.

"The price of doing the same old thing is far higher than the price of change." - Bill Clinton.

"People change and forget to tell each other." - Lillian Hellman.

"Everything you now do is something you have chosen to do. Some people don't want to believe that. But if you're over age twenty-one, your life is what you're making of it. To change your life, you need to change your priorities." - John C. Maxwell.

"The moment of change is the only poem." - Adrienne Rich.

I am obsessed with this word. If I do not let it have control, I will self-destruct trying to avoid it. I will only gain if I give up that which is not mine in the first place. Nothing here is mine. This is not my home. I am losing nothing.

. change is inevitable .

I Never Planned on You Changing Your Mind

There was a plan. A devastating, hard-to-comprehend-the-intricacies, life-length plan. I never planned on you changing your mind. There was only A. How do I switch to B, or the X I am now at, when there was never supposed to be anything but A?

It's always a dream. Life is fine, I am fine, and then a dream.

My subconscious doesn't understand, either.

I Think about It Over and Over Again

Things are slowly sinking in.

• I will not excel this semester the way I am used to.
• People think things about me that are unchangeable.
• Change will come. Slowly.
• Life will not turn out how I expected, and most likely not the way I want.

And then there are the other things. I have two bags and a suitcase full of make-up that do not see me the way God sees me. Sometimes I still believe a can of Pepsi will save my day. I have Facebook messages from years ago that I am afraid to delete. I have a Twenty in my Bible that still hasn't hit my heart.

Every day, I am still on the verge of losing myself all over again.

Blog Numero 93

That is a lot of blogs. I don't know why I'm celebrating today rather than on number 100, but somehow it felt fitting.

I am at a fork in the road. Across the valley, through the woods and over mountains spread the tines of choice. Is this the end for me, or do I continue on and complete my four year program? Should I skip out tomorrow and go plant my dream church? Do I follow my heart, my gut or my head? Do I settle? What is settling? So many options and so few roadsigns.

I don't want to regret. Living out of that fear only brings me a life that isn't as full as it could be. It leaves me dangerously in view of a mansion on the side of the river called "settlement of the settling." It's beautiful from the outside, straight from a fairy tale, but the inside is gutted; the stillness echoing through the empty rooms is deafening. It's my dream, but that's the problem: it's mine not His.

The most current route marker has informed me that I'm going the right direction, but down the wrong path. Do I turn around? Can I?

One day I'll change. Some day I will listen and be willing to turn things around. Unfortunately, I don't think that day is today. I'm sorry...I truly am.

20/20

Today is my last day of being twenty. Amazing. This year has gone by both unbelievably fast and painfully slow. At the end of every birthday year, I come to the same question: how do I define the experiences of the past 365.25 days? How do I confine them within one paragraph, one sentence, one word? An entire chapter of my life is over, the page is in the process of turning, and I have no bookmark strong enough to hold a previous page for long.

I have unsuccessfully, in the past, tried to create a breakdown of events, thoughts, hopes and fears that would be capable of encompassing an entire year. I can define a year according to guys, friends, semesters, holidays, major events and terrible heartaches. It usually comes down to guys, despite my greatest efforts. When I think back to high school, that's how terms of my life were divided.

Every year means something different. Each one symbolizes something within me breaking free or coming undone or finally focusing. This was the year to realize that I am not broken. All the now distant memories of hurts in my past did not break me beyond repair. I am still capable of love...and of pain. I thought I was immune to both, strong enough to withstand the intoxication of both; I was terribly wrong.

Regret has never suited me. Being clothed by forlorn backward glances is both pathetic and a waste of time, in my opinion. I have spent enough of my life driving using only cruise control and the rear-view mirror. The girl with such silly fantasies and romantic dreams is gone. In her place is someone who acknowledges the ground she stands on as she encounters it, can learn from the past without dwelling on it, and has bigger dreams for the future than her heart can hold.

Clarity has come to me in my old age with a vengeance. I can see my mistakes for what they are and accept that these are things I cannot change. I can see what I want in my future and what I will not accept, based on the things I have learned. This probably sounds very technical and far removed, but it's not; this is as close as I can let anything get to me, because I have learned that I don't want to harden my heart, but I don't want to be crushed by the immense weight of hurt either.

Today is a day for seeing things as they really are. Normally I write this tribute to the last year in a private journal, but today is not a day for privacy. As naked dancing would probably not be appropriate, I'll stick with this blog. Another normally: normally I wouldn't take the time to explain the title of a blog (I love that it would take someone who really knows me to figure it out), but I want to. 20/20 vision is perfect. I found out recently that with my contacts, my vision is actually 20/15. It seems that in my old age, I really am seeing more clearly. Of course there is also the play on words (20/20, as in the age I am, har har), but I'm more focused on the seeing clearly part (focused, seeing; I'm on a roll today). Here's my thought: if the more I see equals the more I learn, then the older I get the better I will be at seeing things for what they really are. I want to see things as they really are.

So here it is, a tribute to the twentieth year of my existence on this planet. Does it do it justice? Not really. I have loved and lost and hurt and felt and experienced as much as I could cram into one year, and this one simple blog entry could never be enough to say how I really feel about it. But once again, tomorrow is a new day and I will be off on another exciting chapter of life, always more thrilling than the last.

Strange Tides

Something's changing. I don't know quite what it is, and pinning it down isn't coming easy...but it's something. Something is changing.

I have spent the last several years being scared to death of who I really am, of what will be if I just let go and be "me." What would that look like? Who would be staring back in the mirror? I have based my worth on the person who I've pretended to be, rather than on who I wish I could be.

Lately I've started looking at things in a new light. Instead of looking at an outfit and thinking, "What would people think, though?", I say, "Why not?" And I throw it on and go. I've also stopped trying to hide how I really feel on a subject. Do I really care if I offend someone on a subject that's not of huge consequence just because we share a slightly different viewpoint? No. And is it okay if my life doesn't turn out like the fairytale my childhood promised but my Jesus never said anything about? Absolutely.

I'm learning to let go of what doesn't matter and embrace the things that truly do. And if I let go of all this "doctrine" and focus on Him, I feel safer than when I "know all the answers." I love being insecure in myself so that I can be secure in Him.

The tides of me are changing. I'm still the same woman inside, but I'm finally letting her out for a breath of fresh air. She's been cooped up too long.