There was a plan. A devastating, hard-to-comprehend-the-intricacies, life-length plan. I never planned on you changing your mind. There was only A. How do I switch to B, or the X I am now at, when there was never supposed to be anything but A?It's always a dream. Life is fine, I am fine, and then a dream.My subconscious doesn't understand, either.
Yesterday I took two naps.Today I bought the highest heels I currently own.Tomorrow I marry Tom Cruise.Saturday I move back to school.Sunday I will wear that shirt.Monday is the day that classes begin.Tuesday means lasers on my body.Wednesday spells disaster, hospital, cake and new sweater.Thursday feels like many things to do.Friday will be the end of the week.I am a planner.So.Why am I still writing a paper for last semester?Half done.Half to go.
It's amazing to me how these things work. Is it my subconscious or my spirit this time, or even the Spirit? I think of a random phrase to put into Google Images hoping for the perfect picture to describe my blog in order to kick off a thought process that can pinpoint exactly where I'm at right now. "Follow me." Oh...okay. And Scripture appears. All at once I realize that this is where it had to head all along.
My plans for the summer are changing. My plans for the life I wanted are changing. Notice the pattern? When it's mine (or I think I have some say), it has no choice but to conform to God's will eventually.
I don't know if it has come across in my latest blogs, but I've been "avoiding" God lately. He's hurt me and I'm the sulky, hold-back-when-hurt type. Despite my hardness, He pursues. I'm finally getting back to a place where I want to want Him again. I even decided to start reading my Bible again...and then I left it in Calgary. A sign? Or my subconscious sabotaging me?
At a Bible study recently, we discussed how Jesus said "follow Me" and expected that the following entailed leaving everything else of import behind. Every day He asks me the same thing. Every day I shake in my proverbial boots hoping it won't come up. Every day I'm faced with it. And unfortunately, every day I walk away with the attitude of a sad, but still "rich", young man.
This summer is about to shake me at my foundation. Amazing that I can ignore God, or at least try, and He still guides with my best in mind.
I love you, Daddy.
I went to see two plays tonight. I cannot remember the last play I went to see...at first, because I was fearfully jealous, and then because I was fearfully afraid. Tonight I broke the cycle of hearing, maybe-ing, pretending to think, and finally, though apparently reluctantly, declining.
In high school, I had a lot of doors opened to me academically. Without lifting a finger (sometimes literally), I could pull off stellar marks and still have time to go on a date, do my nails, write a novel and consume a butt-load of junk food and alcohol, all in one night. I prided myself on never having to try to get the grades I desired, but where I did put my extra effort was acting. Although it always came easy, I found that I could throw myself headlong into it and not regret one moment of practicing and memorizing for endlessly monotonous hours.
When I graduated, my plans all revolved around drama in some way: run off to LA (original) and somehow launch a professional acting career; finally learn to sing and go off to Broadway; college for performing arts. I'd been in several plays already, two with the theatre company I went to see tonight, and was confident in my future. Until God told me He had other ideas.
So tonight I faced my fears. I was still overwhelmingly jealous of every person on that stage, but a small part of me could still feel The Fear: the tiny nagging part of myself that wonders if I lost "it." But something else surfaced as well. As I watched the actors, I felt my body and my mind reacting in a way that has become foreign, but still feels like home. I knew what my actions would be for every line, I could see the lines on the page and replaced their ideas with my own inflections, and I felt my heart beat stronger with exhilaration.
Honesty time. I miss it desperately! Somehow, I need to find the time. Probably not this summer because I will be crazy busy, and school already seems too much to handle...but I have to. I feel compelled and I can't ignore it.
I am beyond passionate about this, and there is only one way I know to express it.
