I Got on Just Fine without You, Thank You Very Much

Days like today really make me wonder about the deep, serious things of the world. Spinning over 1000 crepes in one day, all the while standing or running for something or jumping in to help someone leaves a lot of brain time. I had angry customers and tired co-workers and strangers who were far too interested in my life for comfort (or just stared for extended periods of time), and it all made me wonder: what the heck is the purpose of it all?

Church answer: Jesus. Honest answer: it's so hard to figure out. Everyone is running around, living their lives in the way they think is best, and basically just waiting to die. And as I stood there spinning my endless crepes, I wondered what makes me so different. Half the time you could probably say I'm doing the same thing; it could probably be said about a lot of Christians. We laugh when people give the church answer, but what's really so wrong with it? As my good friend Paul once said: "to live is Christ and to die is gain."

The last few days have been rough, but that shouldn't excuse me for becoming apathetic. Do I mean what I say, or do I just say it? I'm seriously being challenged right now.

Home is Where Every Part of Me Is

I'm home. Oh glorious home.

Things are different. Strange, but I didn't realize my hair had grown until I saw it here. Cameron felt different. End of summer smell has settled. My brother even looks taller.

Things are the same. My parents' house smells the same. The grass feels the same underfoot. My cat loves me the same. There's calm and sanity here.

The next two weeks I'll be working like crazy and trying to hang out with as many people as possible, but it doesn't feel hectic; this is my comfort zone. But I'm worried about my state of mind and heart at the end of the two weeks. I think that the non-existence of the church will hit me fresh, and I need to be prepared for my own reaction.

Home has been where my heart has been for the last seven weeks, and I'm finally here in the flesh too. I don't want to get comfortable, th0ugh; I will not be comfortable. I will be dynamic. I will continue to be dynamic for Him.

I Listen to Music again, among Other Things

I am listening to music again. If you know me, you know this means something huge. Music, for me, is like food. I don't mean this in some higher-level-thinking allegorical way; music and food affect me the same way. Example: when I'm upset, I eat until I cannot eat anymore...and then I eat some more. However, when I'm really upset I just cannot make myself eat. Music is the same.

I've been sad for awhile. When I'm sad, music is a comfort. When I'm sad the way I've been (sad -adj. - understatement of the year), music only makes everything worse. I cannot turn it on; I cannot let the lyrics in without damaging my soul.

So let me start again. I am listening to music again.

I am also reading my Bible again. I have been...agitated with God lately. Not angry, not blaming, not bitter. I just can't look at Him. Things keep getting worse, a new aspect of my life seemingly falls apart each day, and He's not there.

Last night I opened up my Bible, without being compelled by an outside source, for the first time in months. I read a few psalms and, miracle of miracles, I still know most of the Romans I memorized in November. God is so faithful in so many ways I don't give Him credit for.

I'm also eating again (see above). I want to gain ten pounds by the end of the summer.

I also want to start exercising again. I nearly killed my body running the other day, so it's back to the elliptical for now. Stop laughing. I just...I want to be healthy. I want to be whole again.

Whistler is getting better. Oh! And I'm getting homework done.

Miracles. Miracles all around.

Red

Image changes everything.

So do I be the me I have always been for the sake of others' comfort, or do I be the me I know is in there somewhere but have always kept down for fear of rejection? It's easy to just go on always being the person I've been because it suits others and I can get by. But when will I break out and finally just let my outside reflect the inside?

Maybe one of these days it will just burst out.

I am ready to burst.

I'm Sorry, Leanne, but You've been Killed by the Mafia. Accusations? No? Townspeople Go to Sleep

I have never spent so much time not sleeping when my body is clearly collapsing from exhaustion. I have apparently sprained the joint that allows my ribs to expand so that I can breathe. The result? A 3am hospital visit, lots of lost sleep, and unimaginable pain.

I'm not complaining or seeking pity, I'm just venting. I feel like I am completely out of control. It's just one thing after another that only seem to set me back. I have no motivation; even if I did I don't think I would physically be able to do anything anyway. You'd be surprised how much not being able to breathe affects things.

I've spent the majority of the last three days on some couch or another, on one painkiller or another. I desperately need to be delivered from this. My schoolwork is suffering, my body is hurting because eating only makes it worse, and this is adding more stress to areas I'm already struggling with.

God, I don't know where to go from here. I want to live every day to its fullest potential and really serve You, but I feel incapable and useless. Please help me to realize that you ask for my love above all else, not works to earn Yours. I really need Your comfort right now.