Get Your Heart Racing

Of all the places I went in New York City, the concrete jungle, my favourite by far was a little more natural than formations of metal and rock for man's use. I loved Central Park more than words.

We officially have two and a half weeks left on the tour and, though I am beginning to realize exactly how much I will miss it when it is over, I am ready for my own bed and regular meals and hockey games with a cat in my lap (because the Canucks will still be in by then!!).

It's amazing how within hours of posting my last blog about a lack of job options, my lap is suddenly full of them. What to do? No idea. I guess I'll pray and see who actually takes me and go from there.

These streets will make you feel brand new and these lights will inspire you. True, true, truth.

The Voice of Truth Says "This Is for My Glory"

When we ran our day camps this summer in Toronto, our team of interns each had a teaching day on a certain topic. Wednesday’s theme was prayer. One of the things we talked about is how our natural reactions in the face of hard situations are usually not pretty: gossip, complaining, blaming, fighting back, panicking. We called this “picking up your sticks and stones.” But what we were teaching them was how these things only fuel problems, not extinguish them. We need to pray, because prayer is our powerful weapon; we ask God to fight our battles for us.

I feel like I am in the middle of a battlefield. The playing field? My life. And I cannot fight. I am the battlefield, so I need to have someone fight on my behalf. I need Someone to fight for me.

And praise God, He has given me the strength to run in the right direction. Instead of turning to malicious gossip or fighting or drinking or boys or any other thing I have used in the past to confront or avoid problems, I’ve given it to God. This finally gives me a picture of what “turn the other cheek” is really about. I am being forced to literally say: “Okay, you slapped me good. Ouch. That really hurts. ...Now here’s the rest I have to offer, here’s your opportunity to slap that out of me too. I promise I won’t fight back.” I feel like I am finally learning the meaning of true humility.

God spent all summer humbling me, and now it is being put to the test. But ultimately I need to keep in mind through everything that my ultimate authority is the Father, and He is who I take my directions from. So if He asks me to submit, I submit; if He tells me to cut my losses and get out, I do so. It’s my summer’s pattern all over again: learning to respond to God, whether He says go or stay.

This is also forcing me to really live out my newest mantra: is this for the glory of God? If not, sorry I’m out of here. In every situation.

This is by no means the most difficult period of life that I have faced (see blogs September 2009 through June 2010), but it is for sure the most personally challenging. It’s about self-discipline and setting healthy boundaries and giving everything to God. I have no other choice. This is the place I was in anyway, but now it’s an extreme. I do not know what to do.

I feel trapped all over again.

When Triumph Is still on its Way

I am failing. I don't know when it started or what I did or if I could have even prevented it had I seen it coming. Total exhaustion is imminent. Yesterday I broke and it was not pretty. The last two days feel like months. We were talking earlier about how we're less than two weeks away from celebrating our passing of the half-way mark; now I wonder if I won't be back in B.C. by then. I don't know why I came and I don't know why I'm still here. I need prayer so bad it's ridiculous. Please pray for wisdom and strength and integrity and boundless energy. I am afraid that this might be the time that breaks up me and my affair with ministry for good.

If it were up to me, I'd be done.

But this is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on its way: I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ so firm on His promise I'll stand, and I will bring praise.

WARNING, Y'all

I'm starting to feel a little bit guilty for baring my soul this way. Is it fair? I don't know. Someone suggested that I journal where no one can see it but me, but that defeats the entire purpose. If I don't release some of this into a place that isn't necessarily "safe," then I am not healing. So here is my word of caution: if you don't want to know how I feel, because I plan on being fairly open and honest, then please don't read any further.

I think I'm doing a lot better than before. I listened to music again today, finally, without it being James Blundt. That shows growth, right? And I'm up to some snacky meals, rather than a few nothings when someone makes me have. It's not that I've been starving myself; gosh, that's all I need is people thinking I'm anorexic. Usually when I am going through a hard time, I eat at every possible moment to distract myself. So when I don't want to eat at all, I know something is really wrong. Aaand now I feel like it looks like I'm asking for pity, which I'm not. Sometimes I just need to admit the worst things in myself before I can begin to change them...even if it's to no one in particular. So here I go:

I've been struggling with the worst indecision of my life. Praying is the only way I'm making it through every second, but the majority of it is yelling at God. It's a fight just to want to hear what He has to say, let alone to listen. Deep down, I know He has the best for me. I just...I don't know how to give up something this important.

And then He leads me here: "Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or instructed Him as His counselor? Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten Him, and who taught Him the right way? Who was it that taught Him knowledge or showed Him the path of understanding?" (Isaiah 40:13, 14).

Who the frick am I? I am no one. He loves me, but that doesn't make me His equal. I need to be willing to not only go along with His will, but also to throw myself whole-heartedly into it. I know that as soon as I fully grasp this, I'll know His will. But for now I'm too scared to find out what it is, so I continue to desperately grasp onto what I no longer have.

If any of you stuck around long enough to read this, I could seriously use some prayer right now. Thanks. And sorry.