Accepted and Worthy Is Our New Name

So, today is the day. At exactly 1:41 AM, I will transform from being a boring, run of the mill, poop on a stick 22-year-old into a marvelous, fascinating, completely transformed 23-year-old! Brilliant! And the intermittent pictures? On the eve of such an occasion, I think it highly appropriate to document the many faces of Leanne in the face of facing said occasion.

I don't think I was a big fan of 22. Negative perspective (it's always best to start here and end on a sweet note):

• I was a heart and soul prisoner of the institution, of The Man.
• I had a lot of bad dreams, a lot of which came true.
• I made mistakes.
• I gained weight in bad places.
• I had the worst internship of my life and took the worst road possible to build character.
• I cried. A lot.

But the positive perspective! (it's always so comforting going through the negatives and almost always thinking of positives anyways):

• I had my incredible, life-changing roadtrip with God!
• I finally got to go on tour and see the whole amazing country! And who could forget the people?! Wow!
• I built a LOT of character!
• I made some new amazing friends!
• I overcame a lot of difficult things and came to a new level of understanding myself, others and God!
• I found a man who treats me right!
• I learned to laugh again with true appreciation of life!

So, in summation, it was a year, which I was apparently more pleased with than I first thought upon initial recall. Good thing I made lists. Tomorrow my family will celebrate 23 years of life since I landed, and Saturday my friends will celebrate surviving thus far and the potential for life yet to be lived. I don't know how else to say it, or if it will even get across what I want to say at all, but here goes: yesterday helped to shape me into who I am, and the day before that and the year before that; the good, the bad and the ugly. Yesterday does not hold me, however; I am no longer defined by who I was yesterday or any second preceding that. Christ in me is who I am now, and who I will grow into. He holds every one of my yesterdays and all my tomorrows. And today, this day that recognizes my birth, is nothing more than a tribute to one more year that He has plans for me. I hope to live this next year in such a way that brings more honor to Him than to myself.

A Breathless Homecoming

After six weeks on the road (look out for the upcoming hit single of that name), we returned Monday night with a desperation to be out of the van that was only somewhat subdued by the pressing nostalgia of another life chapter complete. It has been strangely difficult to slip back into the normal way of things, but perhaps that has a lot to do with the lack of normality in my life in general. Since returning, the only normal (for me) thing I have done is read Twilight; I was looking forward to it all trip because they're my getaway-leave-me-alone-please books for just such recuperation moments as this. There has been a whirlwind of things driving my life, including but not limited to being snatched up by a man (hoooorah!), potentially getting the perfect summer job (yeeehaw!) and doing a million little things that are mostly non-essentials but really need doing in the long run.

In short:

• I miss tour. But not really. I miss the ministering part and the bonding part and the giant meals together part and the new cities part. The rest is take it or leave it at this point, I think.
• I love being home.
• If I get this job, I'm set.
• I'm happy and will not let myself feel guilty for it.

Summer is here. Summer. Is. Here. SUMMER IS HERE! And I plan on living it with gusto.

You Are Stronger, Sin Is Broken

For the first time in more than four weeks, I am finally alone. More than anything, I now realize that it is alone time that I miss while on this trip. There is not a moment, sleeping or waking, eating or walking, even in the bathroom, that is not surrounded by people. I love people, but, for me, refreshing only comes from solitude. My first thought when they left the church? Time to put on some tunes and blog. Until now it's been music in my head because, let's be real, how do I sing when I'm surrounded only by people who actually can? That's another thing: a soul release is singing and I've been deprived of that as well. I also want the time to blog about what's really on my mind and not just the meager scratchings off the edge of my consciousness at the end of the day when all of me is dying for sleep.

Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it; seal it for Thy courts above.

I am not doing well. I do not get homesick very easily, but this is getting ridiculous. All I want to do is go home, sit in my room drinking tea, and read the Twilight series all by myself. Actually. Then I will eat by myself. Then I will sleep by myself. Shower, sing, cook, drive, go for walks...by myself. I love people, especially some people, but I need to get myself back together. This trip has been more draining than I expected. I am struggling with the physical, mental and spiritual wars that I already fight every day, and these have only been magnified by crazy food schedules and too little sleep and annoyances and too much sleep.

But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

There is officially one week left, and I will make it through.

Sidetrack: I thought I was alone until the pastor of the church came upstairs and we just had the sickest talk. That kind of alone time I can handle: the kind where I am being poured into and encouraged by someone wiser than myself. What an encouragement! It has been so long since a stranger who so clearly knows nothing about me speaks so clearly into who God has called me to be. His main premise: if I am called to preach, preach. Don't get shoved into children's work or youth work or doing the dishes just because I am a woman. Preach the Gospel whether they are 8 or 80 and do it with the confidence that comes from being called with purpose of God. And be mentored under a person who loves the Word, heals the sick when they pray, and will be a positive enforcer of gifts. Wow. This is what I needed right now. Everything else I was going to write was about confusion for the summer and just how exhausting it is to not know my next step, but this really was refreshing. Thank You, Lord.

Immeasurably More

That pretty ball of light is your head as I rip it off your body. Slash that was just a dream I had last night before commencing our 18 hour drive today.

Home. Home is exactly where I want to be.

Jesus, it was May 21st. Did You not see the signs held up on every corner in New York City or read the pamphlets all about how You were supposed to come back today? Why oh why did You not?

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Get Your Heart Racing

Of all the places I went in New York City, the concrete jungle, my favourite by far was a little more natural than formations of metal and rock for man's use. I loved Central Park more than words.

We officially have two and a half weeks left on the tour and, though I am beginning to realize exactly how much I will miss it when it is over, I am ready for my own bed and regular meals and hockey games with a cat in my lap (because the Canucks will still be in by then!!).

It's amazing how within hours of posting my last blog about a lack of job options, my lap is suddenly full of them. What to do? No idea. I guess I'll pray and see who actually takes me and go from there.

These streets will make you feel brand new and these lights will inspire you. True, true, truth.

Firm through the Fiercest Drought and Storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace when fears are stilled and strivings cease.

It is terrifying to fall into the hands of the living God, as one wise and inspired man once wrote, but I say that it is also terrifying to put anything of mine in His hands. My thoughts, my dreams, my deepest desires, my life...all these things feel best when grasped by my own feeble, mortal hands. If only I could see how vainly I struggle to hold onto that which was never mine in the first place. And then there are His hands. They hold all these things and more. As they encircle me, gently holding both me and all the things I grasp so tight, He asks me to consciously hand over that which He already holds; it is not for His benefit, but for mine. I have the lightened load of not having to carry my burdens any longer, but look! They are still right there. He does not take to hurt me, but to help me manage that which I never held to begin with. The Master of destinies who holds everything in His capable hands becomes the Director of my life, not just in word but in heart attitude. It really is all about the heart.

He is teaching me many things, the greatest of which when I am planning a message and realize that if I speak without taking it to heart, I will be a gargantuan hypocrite. If nothing else, I will leave with a greater sense of who He is in my life. And of course there is also else.

Put It to You

I am back in Toronto. It is only for the weekend, but that does not make it easier to bear. Just recounting some of the events of last summer in the van on the way into the city was enough to get me nauseous and sweating profusely. I also had a not-so-pretty breakdown in the bathroom, realizing how much crap had actually gone down there. And that is not even the beginning. This place is an emotional war zone that supersedes time and space; it is as though I never left. I am here with new people under a different kind of protection, yet I still feel as naked as the first day I was belittled here. On the other hand, it also reminds me of a surprising strength that surpassed all circumstances that I toted around like a battle shield; let's face it, that was Christ in me and nothing to do with me at all. If I do not hold onto Him now, I will not make it.

I Hate When the Only Song Stuck in My Head Is Horrendous and Unworthy of a Blog Title

I had many things to say, but if I do not barf up the putrid nasties first, nothing good can come out.

How do you tell someone they're making the worst mistake of their life? Literally. Especially when they haven't spoken to you in months and even now, with this biggest decision, don't take the time to say something. I am just overwhelmingly sad. All I can say is how deliriously happy I am that it is not me.

So onto real life. We are currently just outside Chicago, staying in a hotel, and I am so excited to just breathe and have some me-time. I love being around people but I legitimately need time for myself by myself or I lose my charming habits of smiling and not biting people's heads off. I want to be nice and non-whiny and pull my own weight...I really do. But tired, hungry, sick, achy Leanne hates those things.

In 27 days I will be back home, which seems both impossibly soon and hopelessly far off. In time, however, I am sure it will come about as fast as anything ever does, and I will miss it but go on with my life to face new adventures.

The last few days in the van, I spent some free time reading a C.S. Lewis book, Out of the Silent Planet. I always knew the man had a gift for using mythical fiction to express incredible God-truths, but this went beyond what I expected. Just a plug for the book as well as a precursor to all the blogs that will mention it in the weeks to come. It has actually changed things.

I Saddle Up My Horse and I Ride into the City

One and a half weeks into Tour and my body has had enough. My back is only still connected to the rest of me by the grace of God and Tyler's magical, wonder-working hands. My stomach is a churn-fest and I'm constantly congested, but here we go. On the road. I'm loving the opportunity to minister and nothing pumps me up more than after we've done a show and seen the response of people, but I feel worn down. And I hate the word, but here it goes:

depressed.

It's hard to say. Every time a scary thing comes up, I get all freaked out that I'm slipping away again, but in reality I'm just scared of minor setbacks. Every time I get moody is a cause for fear, but I just need to remind myself to stay calm because almost all of the battle is in my mind once the moodiness has already set in. If I let it take over, the Monster wins. If I tell it that it does not control me, I own my life. But let's be real. If I don't give my life away, then I've lost it. God only lets us truly find it once we give it up. Bible message of the day. Woot.

All Other Ground Is Sinking Sand

It's been a big blog gap, but with good reason. It's day four of actually being on the road; Tour Team 2011: North America has officially begun. It's not easy, not by a long shot. I never imagined there could be so many sick people in one place so quickly or that my back would stiffen up and strangle me in less than a week. But the good stuff...there has been some mighty good stuff. We've seen four salvations already, and tonight there was a really big response. I got to preach on Sunday night in Princeton for my first time on the trip and it completely pumped me up and refreshed me in ways I desperately needed. I am travelling with some of the most amazingly positive people, which just brings life into every situation. I just wish I didn't feel like crap, and I wish that the Monster wasn't threatening to take me down with every defeat. Today I just felt at the end of myself and it took all my energy to not burst into tears in front of a group of 70 youth. I need refreshing, and I'm not entirely sure where to get it.