Fall Away from Your Past, But It's Following You

If I knew the formula, I would figure out everything that's wrong with my life and be perfect. I haven't.

But I'm doing my damnedest. I am fighting with all that I have, and that has to be enough. It's got to be, or what else is there?

umbrella for rain

so it cannot touch my head

the street is quiet

darkness into light

falling behind emotion

into what could be

haikus eat long grass

or whatever they can find

to munch between teeth

If I Just Lay Here

Word of the Day: Contemplative

con·tem·plat·ive

[kon-tuhm-pley-tiv

given to consider thoroughly; characterized by thinking fully or deeply about

It seems to me that all I have been today is contemplative. It is a day that would be best suited to laying in the grass in the sunshine for hours, or painting a poem, or swimming in a river with all my clothes on. Instead of doing those things, I have simply gone through the day and allowed thoughts to wash over and through me.

It has been a long two years. Now I find myself at a new place in the desert. I think that it would be quite impossible to ever wander the same part again; it is too ingrained in me that those ways only lead to death. I know them far too well to ever get lost on those paths again. The trouble is that I don't yet know where the new paths lead. This latest one has items of interest along the path, but not much to entertain. But! Did you notice? There's a path.

In plain English: I'm still in the same place I was two years ago, but I'm in such a vastly different place it can hardly be called the same. I'm still in Canada, but it would be foolish to think that northern Quebec and southern Alberta are in any way the same. And I don't know where to go to just get out of Canada already.

Other thoughts:

I would like a house that is always full of flowers.

Secretly, I wish I had almost no possessions.

Even more secretly, I wish I had too many to know what to do with...so I could get fed up and have none.

Cooking makes me happy.

Painting makes me smile for long periods of time. And I know it's genuine because no one else is watching.

I secretly think there are some things I'm really good at, but I'm afraid that if I say them aloud then my "powers" will be taken away.

I don't know if I like music anymore.

I have only spent two full days this summer doing what I want to do.

I am afraid that my new unfear of being alone will lead to me waking up twenty years from now, all alone, and with no way to fix it anymore.

Tacos are delicious.

I want everything to be full of flowers.

A - Muse - Ings

I haven't blogged in a long time, again. It's not that I don't want to, I just don't have much to say. Here's a snippet view (to quote my most hated feature of Google Books) of my most recent thoughts.

I've been working at my new job three weeks now, and it's definitely different than I expected.

This weekend was spent at Green Lake with 15 incredible people. I needed that so much.

I got a ridiculously nice easel and paint set for my birthday from a ridiculously awesome man. I'm dying to spend a whole week doing nothing but using it.

I ate an ice cream bar for dessert.

Okay, and I'm officially done with the shortened versions. Lately I've stopped listening to the radio for a few reasons: (1) I hate getting a song stuck in my head that isn't doing anything for me (I had a huge issue with "Touch My Body" a few years ago, and this time it's "Let's Play." So bad, but they're too catchy to get rid of); or, (2) I don't want my thoughts and emotions being influenced by songs that revolve around cheating, breaking up, or salacious sexual references. That being said, the last few days I've just been station hopping until I find something reasonable, and today I came upon this song. It was like my heart stopped and said, "Yes! Finally. Something I can identify with in a positive way." Don't read into it too much.

Tomorrow is the start of another busy week, but I'm looking forward to it. Busy means less time for too much thinking means less time for wrong conclusions that come out of an empty mind. A busy mind, in my case, is a healthy mind.