If I Fall, Will You Let Me Down Easy?

I am tired of not doing the things I want to do because I feel held down by things that realistically aren't barriers at all. I tether myself to "obligations" so that there is no risk in taking that step. So. No longer. I am chopping myself free and going and doing and experiencing and living.

To start: I am taking a sabbatical. I don't care that I'm not a pastor or finished Bible school or old enough to be burnt out. I was, and I still feel the effects. I have dealt with some of the crappiest of the crap in the church and I need to be cleansed of it. So I am taking the time to do that, and soon. It will probably only be a week, but I think that's all I need. I will go somewhere beautiful and immerse myself in all the things I love but seem to never have time for, including silence. It will be glorious.

I am also going to start taking legitimate Sabbaths so this never happens again. That means: doing nothing out of obligation; doing what I want in the moment because I want to and not worrying about money; enjoying rest. This includes but is not limited to: sitting in front of the TV all day, going on long walks in pretty places, ordering in Chinese or Indian or just going somewhere stupidly expensive where I need to dress up and eat by myself which will be perfect; go to see a movie; paint a self-portrait; drive to Kelowna and back; make a lavish dessert and eat the whole thing by myself; get a pedicure; go to the MAC store and get them to put make-up on me and then buy nothing; purchase a beautiful pair of shoes just because I can; apply for ridiculous jobs online just for the heck of it; clean for the joy of it; knit a sweater; read Twilight again just because I can and I love it; wear slutty clothes around the house and through the McDonald's drive-thru; go pick wild salmon berries; wear my grad dress to whatever destination I have chosen; read whatever part of the Bible I darn well please; hang out with someone I haven't seen in a really long time; write letters to people I still have things to say to and then burn them in the backyard; drink beer and listen to my ipod while sprawling out on the grass; spend three hours doing my nails; go to a nude beach; wear a ridiculous amount of make-up with my hair in an outrageous up-do and wear sweats; pray for a full hour without wandering or falling asleep; watch a full TV series season in a day; walk around downtown handing out 5 dollar bills to every homeless person I see. Or something like that.

Things I will continue to do: read my Bible every night before I go to sleep; meet with good friends on a regular basis to hash out life and just be real; not get hung up on looking fab every single day; put my relationship with God before anyone else.

I am entering a new chapter of my life. I can feel it in my bones and it tingles in good ways. Where will I be this time next year? No one knows except God. But that's okay because even if my life falls apart: "Even then, as bad as it will be - God's decree! - it will not be the end of the world for you." Thanks Jeremiah, you rock. Let's hang out again soon.

A - Muse - Ings

I haven't blogged in a long time, again. It's not that I don't want to, I just don't have much to say. Here's a snippet view (to quote my most hated feature of Google Books) of my most recent thoughts.

I've been working at my new job three weeks now, and it's definitely different than I expected.

This weekend was spent at Green Lake with 15 incredible people. I needed that so much.

I got a ridiculously nice easel and paint set for my birthday from a ridiculously awesome man. I'm dying to spend a whole week doing nothing but using it.

I ate an ice cream bar for dessert.

Okay, and I'm officially done with the shortened versions. Lately I've stopped listening to the radio for a few reasons: (1) I hate getting a song stuck in my head that isn't doing anything for me (I had a huge issue with "Touch My Body" a few years ago, and this time it's "Let's Play." So bad, but they're too catchy to get rid of); or, (2) I don't want my thoughts and emotions being influenced by songs that revolve around cheating, breaking up, or salacious sexual references. That being said, the last few days I've just been station hopping until I find something reasonable, and today I came upon this song. It was like my heart stopped and said, "Yes! Finally. Something I can identify with in a positive way." Don't read into it too much.

Tomorrow is the start of another busy week, but I'm looking forward to it. Busy means less time for too much thinking means less time for wrong conclusions that come out of an empty mind. A busy mind, in my case, is a healthy mind.

Sometimes Exactly What I Think I Need is...Well, Exactly What I Need

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I don't usually like to start blogs with song lyrics. I only use lyrics to title blogs when the song is what I cannot get out of my head. However, once I picked this picture there were no other words on my mind.

Today is Saturday. Last night I left for Birch Bay for a weekend retreat with my second family, aka my church leadership team. We're here until tomorrow morning, and it's been so refreshing to just...rest. Yesterday was my first in a new installment of Sabbaths that I'm hoping will grace my every Friday. To take an entire day off from school work and responsibilities is something I haven't done in...years? Years. (deep breath) ...that is a very long time.

On this first Sabbath of many to come, I slept in until 1, had a mandatory but relaxed meeting with my lawyer, watched a movie, and left for the retreat. And all day today has been nothing but church planning and vision casting and just hanging out. I feel like my smiles are genuine today. This is refreshment.

Tomorrow is back to responsibility and ministry and homework and laundry, but for now I can take it one day at a time and just...be. I'm finally realizing who I am and it's wonderful to feel free to be me right now, and nothing more.