I have spent the day languishing in the bliss of an empty heart and bare room. In reality, taken into the context of what the last few days have been, my last statement can be more equivalently translated as: "I have spent the day under the oppression of mourning, because my roommate has left me and the rest are soon to follow."
Stephanie came back last night to hang out for a bit, and then to pack up and leave. When I got back to my room at 3am, I woke her up and we talked til about 4:30, at least as far as we can tell. I was then rudely awakened before 9 by Emily ripping a whiteboard off the wall and taking part of the wall with it. Steph cleaned, her mom cleaned, I think I cleaned a bit, and then it was time to go. I hadn't really been thinking about it until I looked around and saw her entire half of the room gutted and her face, standing alone in a sea of this-is-too-much-to-handle. She went to say good-bye to Emily first, and listening to them cry made me cry before I even realized what was happening. And the hug that lasted forever? It made my heart hurt, but I was glad for every second; from the first second we met and she wouldn't talk to me, to all the midnight talks and prayer times, to our crazy fun craziness, all the way to holding each other and wondering how it went by so fast. ...and then I made her leave because it hurt too bad to keep saying good-bye.
I spent the better part of today dwelling in her absence and allowing myself to feel the pain. Part of me wished I'd never met her, but the truthful me knew that I love her more than anything and wouldn't trade this year for the world. The pain is receding, though the waves come back once in a while just to let me know that I am human, this is real, and I cannot forget about her.
Tomorrow is Thailand. Emily, Melissa, and so many others will be gone for a month to do their thing, and I am so happy for them! It hurts and I'll miss them, but I know that life goes on. The sun will keep rising, and in the evening keep setting, and, as Sarah says, my God will keep loving me.
Ryan leaves for Thailand tomorrow too. For three months. We keep telling each other that it's really not that long and it will go by in no time. I, at least, know that there is so much more to it than that. I haven't fully allowed it to sink in yet because I just keep crying and this whole blubbering ALL THE TIME thing is getting a little old. But I don't want him to go. I want things to go on the way they've been. I want to play pool and go to minichurch and timmies, and even argue if that's what it takes to keep him here. But more than that, I want him to go because I know that's what he loves. I hope he has the trip of a lifetime, and that he comes back even more in love with God than ever before.
The semester is over. The year is over. My first year of college is over. People are leaving, and life does go on. Some people I missed saying good-bye to, but, as much as that brings a dull pain to my chest, I know that a lack of good-bye does not negate our entire friendship. Please know that you are still very much loved. And to the people who are coming back next year, know that I am on a mission. So many of you are so amazing, and we never got the chance to become close. I want that so bad, even if it hurts so much more in the end.
This really is the end, my friends.
Oh my devious. The semester is over. Last night was the banquet, today is the ceremony, and then most people are gone. And chances are half of them won't bother to say good-bye and will just disappear. Standing in the middle of the crowded gymnasium last night, I knew that half the people I was looking at I may never see again in my entire life.
Steph told me she's leaving tonight. Thailand people are leaving Wednesday. I feel homesick, and I can't explain why.
Right now, I'm taking down all the posters from the walls, starting to pack up my books and organize all my paperwork from this year. It's going to be a lot to go through. And the whole time, there is no feeling of liberation. Almost everyone else is going home to their families, their friends, or off with a group of people from school to tour Canada or to minister in a foreign country...and then there's me. I'm from here. I've still been in contact with all the people I'll ever be in contact with, yet I feel like I missed out on the best of both my worlds, school and "home", because I was always trying to find the balance. And now, with everyone leaving, I'm left here with the pieces of a school year that transformed my life, but may end up leaving me more broken than when I came.
I learned a lot from the people here, from the classes and the experiences. I wouldn't trade it away, but it's scary to know that in a few days I won't live here anymore. Once again, the sickness.
Friday was Surprise Date Day. Ryan took me to Stanley Park, and we went to the Aquarium! I tried to explain but I don't think he understood how much I've always wanted to go there, especially on a date, and he did it without even knowing. That means the WORLD to me. Then we hung out in Stanley Park and went for dinner at the Teahouse. It was so beautiful, and the perfect way to end the day. And in three days, he's gone. We'll have to fight the epic battle of the long-distance relationship, which few survive. Sickness.
There are people who are not getting back, and now that I realize how short time really is and that the year is actually ending, I wish I had got to know them better. There are people who I will miss in huge amounts, and I don't know if I can ever tell them what an impact they've made on my life. I am not the same because of who they are and what they've spoken into my life. But if I told them, that would be sappy and I'm sure they have none of the same feelings. That's okay, though, I guess...it has to be. Waves and waves of homesickness.
Today in church, the pastor used an analogy that is hauntingly reminiscent of my last blog. Waves, the unstoppable tide, how it's not about trying to control it but being in it and how we react to it. So this new change of tides can either be viewed as something new to jump into, or I can spend my time being frustrated that I'm getting wet all the time.
Bittersweet homesickness. How do I cure thee?
Once again, the wave has crashed, the current has brought a fresh tide to tickle my feet, and it is now receding back into the ocean where it belongs. Yes, it's the end-of-semester nostalgia all over again. This time is different, though. The end of the year signifies a turning page, where everyone leaves and only few return...kind of like an alien invasion.
Stephanie is not coming back. Yes, the rumours are true. I will be Steph-less next year, and no one can take her place. If all goes well, Katie will be my new roomie and we will have tons of lovely, hilarious times together (which I'm uber looking forward to, beeteedubs)...but no one can take the place of my first love. My first roommate love, that is. It's hard to know that the person I've shared so many amazing times with won't be in my life every day anymore, starting in less than a week. It's the dull, achey pain that comes with letting go of something or someone who you don't want to, but you know you have to. I'm just hoping we'll be able to actually stay in contact and do all the things we've planned (like play bubble shooter together and watch movies at the same time) and not just say that we will and move on with our lives.
Saturday is roomie day! So me, Steph, and the bathroomies, Emily and Melissa, will be sharing a fun-filled day before we have to get all prettied up for the banquet. Emily and I will be dressing up in our grad dresses (I'm super hoping mine still fits) and going around to every 7-11 in the lower mainland to get (hopefully) free slurpees! Then we're buying an ice cream cake and eating the whole thing (I know, just the four of us. We're hot, crazy and pigs like that). While we eat, we'll be having a Gilmore Girls marathon all day, hopefully getting through the entire season (which I just calculated will be about 16 hours, so we'll have to go into Sunday too). It's going to be the ultimate girls day, and I absolutely cannot wait. Only Melissa is coming back next year, and the thought is already killing me.
My boy is leaving on Wednesday. He's going to Thailand for three months, and I don't know what to do with myself. By the time he gets back, we'll have been dating more time with him gone than with him here. I just deleted a whole bunch because at this point, I really can't think past him leaving. Tomorrow is Surprise Date Day. I have no clue where we're going, and I've been looking forward to it for over a month. He'll be so busy until he leaves, this will probably be our last real quality time together. I can't think about it, because of the way my heart hurts. I get these fears in my head, and I just have to ignore them or I'll go crazy and end up dumping him over fictional crap in my head. Basically? I already miss the way he looks at me.
Think all this is pathetic yet? Today I was sitting in our nasty, tiny, cramped, no-room-to-breathe bathroom, and I almost started to cry because I'm going to miss it so bad. It's not that I'll actually miss the no-pressure, hot-to-cold-to-scalding-to-freezing shower or the mouldy walls, but what they represent. Cue corny music. I love the community here...even the crazy, dumb gossip and rumours that go around for no reason. OH! Opportunity! Here is my public declaration of the facts according to me, not campus gossip.
1. I do not go in Ryan's room. Ever. Not on a regular basis, not for any reason at all. Yes I stand at his door, and yes I like to talk to him while he does stuff in his room. No, I don't go inside. The end.
2. I thought this would be obvious, but apparently not. Emily waxed my legs. Emily. Not Ryan, not Iain. In my room. Not Ryan's room. Kthxbye.
PS - If I were, for some strange reason, to get my boyfriend to wax my legs, why in the world would I invite his best friend? Seriously people, use your common sense.
End rant. So, back to how much I love it here...I love these people. And I love our campus and our classes and everything that we do here. Love love love. Most of all, I am going to miss waking up and constantly having people around me. I love that. So I'm going to go home and feel so alone for awhile, but I'm thinking God will super work on my heart in that.
So once again, the wave has crashed, the current has brought a fresh tide to tickle my feet, and it is now receding back into the ocean where it belongs. Does that mean that it hasn't made a huge impact on me? Nada. My feet are soaked, and I love it.
I am an emotional wreck, and I have no idea why. Normally I would chalk it up to something monthly and forget about it, but this has laid a hold of me and has transformed me into this mess who I, unfortunately, recognize.
Back in the tenth grade, I struggled with depression after the death of a family member, to the point where I could not function at a normal level. I cried at least once a day, often for no reason at all, and would be so uncontrollably emotional that people didn't want to be around me. Either that, or I would avoid people altogether so as to not bring about the tears.
I am not crazy to this extent - yet - but I feel myself on the verge of losing control. It takes all my focused effort to not cry when the simplest thing happens. The littlest things get blown out of proportion in my head and the tears are immediate.
Why am I blogging about this? I have no idea. I just started typing and here it is. Maybe this is just me being scared, and hoping that somehow, by this emotional vomit, I will be able to lay out the mess in my head and sort it into a pattern of thought that follows logic, twisted or not.
There are so many new things to say! How to say them all?
I have a boy. It has been a month, minus a day. We're getting better at being ridiculous in a good way. I also get better at being less dramatic and confrontational...well, I'm trying to get better. Somehow he forgives me every time, and his patience never ceases to amaze me. He doesn't know this, but he inspires me to be better, and heispatience makes me want to be more patient for him.
I'm almost done my first year of college, only two weeks left, and I don't know how I feel yet. I'm excited and scared and nostalgic and it's beautiful outside. The sunshine and warm wind coming through the window has been a constant shift-changer in my life, and I'm subconsciously preparing myself all over again. I don't want to let go, but I also want to embrace the new. Letting go of certain people will be harder than they know, especially the people who will never know, but there's nothing left to say. C'est la vie.
God is working inside me in amazing ways. I LOVE the way He loves on me. Today, Sarah came to me in chapel and just spoke the perfect words over me. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and I never even considered asking Him for them. But they came anyway. I want to eat up the Word and live, breathe, think, beat for Him. That makes me smile. It makes me believe that He will care for me and that, maybe, I can let go.
I've been learning that if I hold onto the little that I have too hard, I will crush those things and have nothing left. But if I just release, God will let me keep some of it. Some He'll take, but that's only to replace it with something better. I need to trust in that.
