I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. PLACES, SEASONS, HEART-STUFF LIKE THIS IS HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS. MY ATTEMPTS WILL WITHOUT A DOUBT BE BARELY SATISFACTORY, BUT I WILL TRY ANYWAY.
I HAVE REALIZED LATELY THAT PEOPLE ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS THAT THEY REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS TO. THEY EXPRESS CONCERN, FEIGN INTEREST, AND THEN SHUT OFF THEIR BRAIN THE SECOND ANYONE TRIES TO SLIP ANYTHING REAL INTO THE CONVERSATION. I'VE HAD MANY OF THESE LATELY, AND AS MUCH AS I DON'T WANT TO JUST LUMP EVERYONE TOGETHER INTO A BOX OF SUCKINESS, THIS IS MY DAY TO BE JUDGMENTAL.
I HAVE ALSO REALIZED, BASED ON MY RECENT HIT COUNT, THAT PRETTY MUCH NO ONE READS MY BLOG ANYMORE. AM I ANGRY? HEH, OF COURSE NOT. SAD? OF COURSE. A LOT OF GOOD MEMORIES WERE MADE SHARING HERE, WHETHER ON MY PAGE OR SOMEONE ELSE'S, AND I MISS REVEALING THE REAL ME TO PEOPLE WHO ENDED UP BECOMING CLOSER THAN FRIENDS. AND MY BIGGEST READER, MY BIGGEST FAN, WILL NEVER READ HERE AGAIN.
TO EXPLAIN MY RECENT IRRATIONAL BEHAVIOUR, I HAVE ONLY ONE EXPLANATION, SUFFICIENT OR NOT: IT WAS MY LAST DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SHOW THAT I HAD ANY CONTROL OF MY LIFE. I WAS TOO FAR GONE TO ACTUALLY HEAR ANYTHING GOD WAS TRYING TO SAY TO ME, SO I WENT ON FEELINGS (NEVER TOO SMART) AND PRAYED THAT MY WILL WOULD BE ALIGNING WITH HIS. I ALSO KNEW THAT IF THIS WAS NOT GOD, IT WOULDN'T ALIGN WITH ANYONE ELSE. AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. SURE IT WAS EMBARRASSING AND I WANT TO DIE EVERY TIME I REMEMBER HOW SILLY I WAS, BUT IT WAS FOR THE BEST. I DID EVERYTHING IN MY POWER, AND NOW I KNOW THAT THERE IS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE TO SAVE MYSELF FROM THE FALLOUT. IN ADDITION, I LEARNED AN INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT LESSON: GOD GETS HIS WAY. HE'S NOT MEAN AND CYNICAL, HE'S JUST IN CONTROL. HE MADE ME, HE MADE THE EARTH I STAND ON AND THE AIR THAT I BREATHE, SO I THINK THAT GIVES HIM AS MUCH A RIGHT AS ANYONE COULD HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE AND PUT IN HIS INPUT...ESPECIALLY ON SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT. HE APPARENTLY HAS A PLAN THAT'S GREATER THAN ANY I COULD EVER FATHOM, SO I SHOULD JUST GIVE IN ALREADY AND LET HIM TAKE THE WHEEL.
ALLOWING MYSELF TO HEAL IS ALREADY WORKING WONDERS. TWO DAYS AND I'M ALREADY BARELY RECOGNIZABLE AS THE MESS OF ONLY THREE DAYS AGO. NOT THAT GOD IS INHIBITED BY ME IN ANY WAY, BUT WHEN I LET HIM WORK ON MY HEART AND CARE FOR ME, HE COMES THROUGH IN MORE AMAZING WAYS THAN WHEN I RESIST HIS HELP.
SO THIS IS MY FINAL THOUGHT. A MONTH AGO, I DIDN'T THINK I'D BE FACING TODAY ALONE. IN FACT, I DIDN'T THINK THIS SUMMER WOULD FIND ME LONELY, NOR THE COMING SCHOOL YEAR. PART OF ME IS ASHAMED, AND THE OTHER PART IS VOWING TO HOLD MY HEAD HIGH AND BE MYSELF WITHOUT ANOTHER TO HOLD MY HAND. BUT I KNOW THAT GOD HAS CARRIED ME THROUGH THE HARD TIMES BEFORE, AND WITH EACH HARD-HITTING MEMORY THAT THREATENS TO TEAR ME DOWN AGAIN, HE IS SHAPING AND STRENGTHENING ME INTO A PERSON WHO CAN STAND AGAINST THE PAIN OF THIS WORLD. SO IN ANSWER TO ALL THE CURIOUS QUESTIONS (DESPITE THE LOW READERSHIP): I'M GOING TO BE OKAY.
I have spent the day languishing in the bliss of an empty heart and bare room. In reality, taken into the context of what the last few days have been, my last statement can be more equivalently translated as: "I have spent the day under the oppression of mourning, because my roommate has left me and the rest are soon to follow."
Stephanie came back last night to hang out for a bit, and then to pack up and leave. When I got back to my room at 3am, I woke her up and we talked til about 4:30, at least as far as we can tell. I was then rudely awakened before 9 by Emily ripping a whiteboard off the wall and taking part of the wall with it. Steph cleaned, her mom cleaned, I think I cleaned a bit, and then it was time to go. I hadn't really been thinking about it until I looked around and saw her entire half of the room gutted and her face, standing alone in a sea of this-is-too-much-to-handle. She went to say good-bye to Emily first, and listening to them cry made me cry before I even realized what was happening. And the hug that lasted forever? It made my heart hurt, but I was glad for every second; from the first second we met and she wouldn't talk to me, to all the midnight talks and prayer times, to our crazy fun craziness, all the way to holding each other and wondering how it went by so fast. ...and then I made her leave because it hurt too bad to keep saying good-bye.
I spent the better part of today dwelling in her absence and allowing myself to feel the pain. Part of me wished I'd never met her, but the truthful me knew that I love her more than anything and wouldn't trade this year for the world. The pain is receding, though the waves come back once in a while just to let me know that I am human, this is real, and I cannot forget about her.
Tomorrow is Thailand. Emily, Melissa, and so many others will be gone for a month to do their thing, and I am so happy for them! It hurts and I'll miss them, but I know that life goes on. The sun will keep rising, and in the evening keep setting, and, as Sarah says, my God will keep loving me.
Ryan leaves for Thailand tomorrow too. For three months. We keep telling each other that it's really not that long and it will go by in no time. I, at least, know that there is so much more to it than that. I haven't fully allowed it to sink in yet because I just keep crying and this whole blubbering ALL THE TIME thing is getting a little old. But I don't want him to go. I want things to go on the way they've been. I want to play pool and go to minichurch and timmies, and even argue if that's what it takes to keep him here. But more than that, I want him to go because I know that's what he loves. I hope he has the trip of a lifetime, and that he comes back even more in love with God than ever before.
The semester is over. The year is over. My first year of college is over. People are leaving, and life does go on. Some people I missed saying good-bye to, but, as much as that brings a dull pain to my chest, I know that a lack of good-bye does not negate our entire friendship. Please know that you are still very much loved. And to the people who are coming back next year, know that I am on a mission. So many of you are so amazing, and we never got the chance to become close. I want that so bad, even if it hurts so much more in the end.
This really is the end, my friends.
