If I Fall, Will You Let Me Down Easy?

I am tired of not doing the things I want to do because I feel held down by things that realistically aren't barriers at all. I tether myself to "obligations" so that there is no risk in taking that step. So. No longer. I am chopping myself free and going and doing and experiencing and living.

To start: I am taking a sabbatical. I don't care that I'm not a pastor or finished Bible school or old enough to be burnt out. I was, and I still feel the effects. I have dealt with some of the crappiest of the crap in the church and I need to be cleansed of it. So I am taking the time to do that, and soon. It will probably only be a week, but I think that's all I need. I will go somewhere beautiful and immerse myself in all the things I love but seem to never have time for, including silence. It will be glorious.

I am also going to start taking legitimate Sabbaths so this never happens again. That means: doing nothing out of obligation; doing what I want in the moment because I want to and not worrying about money; enjoying rest. This includes but is not limited to: sitting in front of the TV all day, going on long walks in pretty places, ordering in Chinese or Indian or just going somewhere stupidly expensive where I need to dress up and eat by myself which will be perfect; go to see a movie; paint a self-portrait; drive to Kelowna and back; make a lavish dessert and eat the whole thing by myself; get a pedicure; go to the MAC store and get them to put make-up on me and then buy nothing; purchase a beautiful pair of shoes just because I can; apply for ridiculous jobs online just for the heck of it; clean for the joy of it; knit a sweater; read Twilight again just because I can and I love it; wear slutty clothes around the house and through the McDonald's drive-thru; go pick wild salmon berries; wear my grad dress to whatever destination I have chosen; read whatever part of the Bible I darn well please; hang out with someone I haven't seen in a really long time; write letters to people I still have things to say to and then burn them in the backyard; drink beer and listen to my ipod while sprawling out on the grass; spend three hours doing my nails; go to a nude beach; wear a ridiculous amount of make-up with my hair in an outrageous up-do and wear sweats; pray for a full hour without wandering or falling asleep; watch a full TV series season in a day; walk around downtown handing out 5 dollar bills to every homeless person I see. Or something like that.

Things I will continue to do: read my Bible every night before I go to sleep; meet with good friends on a regular basis to hash out life and just be real; not get hung up on looking fab every single day; put my relationship with God before anyone else.

I am entering a new chapter of my life. I can feel it in my bones and it tingles in good ways. Where will I be this time next year? No one knows except God. But that's okay because even if my life falls apart: "Even then, as bad as it will be - God's decree! - it will not be the end of the world for you." Thanks Jeremiah, you rock. Let's hang out again soon.

Eating Cherries with My Lips

Yes, those are my lips. But not my nose. And yes I'm eating cherries, but they're not that colour and I don't act like I'm making out with them.

There are less than five weeks left in the summer, and only four of work. Oh how the time flies. It's actually unbelievable. Tomorrow is another day of colour-coordinating crayons and throwing out disgusting glued up stuff. And I'm preaching again next Sunday. I'm both absolutely terrified and completely at ease.

I look around and see potential for beautiful things. I think I'm gonna stick with that.

"Make It Chocolate! With the Lemon Stuff on Top, and then the Meringue! You'll Be Famous and I'll Be Happy!"

In less than 24 hours, I will stop being 21. I will take a breath, blink, and it will be over. A full year of without.

Tonight I came home and the entire sky was brilliant pink, and as I walked and stared at it, my candy necklace got stuck on my diamond earrings. I came back for pizza and Pepsi. I had to have blood drawn today. My bathroom smells like pink grapefruit. I also finished Wuthering Heights; it was a gift for my last birthday. This is a typical day in the life of me. By typical I don't mean that I always eat candy necklaces or give blood to find out if I have a properly functioning liver; a typical day means that it's a string of unlinked, unimportant events that I'll barely recall tomorrow.

My favourite saying is always "I don't want to be here by this time next year." It's my birthday again. It's a year. Again. Every time I turn around it has been a year since something, and things are still the same.

Less than a day left of this crappy year, and then it's like I have a new start. I get to start all over at 1:41am. I have to believe that maybe 22 will be beautiful, that it can dull sharp edges and bring out some good in me, in the wake of the storm of 21.

Take a Deep Breath

It's 2010.

I don't really know what to make of that. Usually I do this on New Years' Eve, but there was no time. I like to reminisce; I like to think of all that I accomplished, all I am so glad I took a chance on, and all that I never want to repeat again.

I went to a party tonight that I didn't want to go to. I had a couple options, but I eventually chose this one because some of my closest friends would be there. Generally I don't really feel like I fit in with that group of people, but I decided to give it one last go. I wore my new green sweater (I had good feelings that good things were destined to happen in that sweater) and I went in just being myself. I wasn't trying to be who I thought I had to be to please them, I just went and...was. And I had the greatest New Years I can remember. It kind of makes me wish I had a lucky sweater for every day of the week.

I made a lot of mistakes this past year that have hurt a lot of people. But mostly I've just hurt me. I want to be different! I don't want to be this person I detest anymore. But words are easier than actions; ideals are simpler than bringing them to fruition. I don't know how to be better. I'm at the point where there's an impossible horizon somewhere in the distance, also called who and where I would like to be, but the mist is obscuring my vision. I'm stuck where I am.

This year was also full of so many beautiful things. And even now that they no longer are, I cannot bring myself to regret them. I want to give myself fully over to God's will; I think that those beautiful moments might stop being so rare. I miss Him. We were so tight, so in sync, and I let that go. I pushed, ran, hid, ignored, and lied to myself. I don't even remember the last time I opened my Bible. This is not who I want to be! This is not where I want to be! But the mist. It never ends.

It's 3 in the AM and a brand new year. I remember when I first heard that the Olympics would be in Vancouver in 2010. I was 15 and it seemed impossibly far off; an awesome picture of the future, but another thing that just never seemed like I would get to. Yet here I am. And I don't think I'm anything like who I thought I would be six years ago. That girl, at 15, expected great things out of me. I'm sure the last thing she would have ever imagined was a broke Bible college student with no solid plans for the future, still unmarried and taking a half break from the things I'm actually passionate about. She would have laughed. I'm not laughing. It's not that I mind being broke, because it's an awesome opportunity to trust God to carry me through; now that I'm here, Bible college isn't as bad as I imagined; and, I'm okay being single right now, because I definitely need a break. I just...I think I thought there would be more by now.

This next year holds a lot of promise. Most of it is up in the air, but I can't help but feel that this year is going to be good. Like with my sweater, I just have a feeling that good things will happen in it. This sudden optimism is puzzling and unfamiliar to the extreme. It feels so good.

I know that every day is a new day and a new chance to change things, but a new year just seems so much more...more opportunity I guess. I can look back over the year, sum it up, and work towards changing those things. I don't want to waste it.

Take a deep breath, Leanne. This is another chance to start over; this is the year you could finally be who you've always wanted to be.

The Greatest Discovery Ever

Today I finally gave up on trying to keep my hair dry. You'd think that having lived in Vancouver all my life I would have gotten used to it by now. Nada.

My pink umbrella died in one of several windstorms last week. It was a day of laughter for some; for my laptop, clothes and hair, tragedy.

Thus, venturing out without my umbrella, I took on everything from mist to golf-ball-sized droplets and braved the dangers of the slick walkway between my cozy bedroom and the safe haven of classrooms some fifty feet away. And then it happened...or should I say, didn't happen? My hair stayed the same. No frizz. No fly-aways. Just...flat hair. Day old hairspray is a beautiful thing.

Today I got my work schedule. Work? Me? Yes. I'm a Salvation Army bell girl, collecting donations outside of London Drugs no matter what the weather conditions may be. Rain, sleet, hail, freezing rain, snow, or meteor strike, have no fear for I will be there, ringing my bell and telling all the warmly bundled shoppers to have a Merry Christmas. Between this Friday and next I am working 39 hours. 39 standing hours. 39 standing hours exposed to all the elements. Oh my devious.

I am an umbrella kind of girl. I like to use them no matter what the weather. My umbrella is dead. I must walk in the rain.

Life After Love

Rewrite.

Valentine's Day. Two days ago. Lots happened. I don't know if things will ever be the same.

I had a ton to write, and it was going to be really poetic and beautiful. I was going to spill my heart and share some scripture. But there's nothing else to say.

Anything else? Don't think so. I think I covered it all...in bed.