Showing posts with label ridiculous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ridiculous. Show all posts

21.1.11

Sunshine Sure Looks Good on You




One of my biggest pet peeves is people who complain all the time. There is a big difference between honestly telling someone how you're doing and going to ridiculous measures to make sure they know every little thing that is wrong. Maybe I'm still majorly lacking the gifts of mercy and compassion but, even here in my better state, I run out of patience with that kind of thing easily.

With that being said, it's rare that people know when things are genuinely wrong with me. I complain about stupid things just because they don't matter and keep the real to myself. I don't know if this is a good thing, it's just my thing. The last few weeks have been really hard to do that with, however. Tonight was especially bad because I had a KILLER migraine, which wasn't easy to hide. I suppose I could have spent the night in my room instead of curling up in the Aframe, but there is nothing worse than feeling terrible while being alone and unable to sleep.

I'm beginning to think it may be to my own detriment that I do not share what I'm going through all the time. But I don't know. I'm torn...thus this ridiculous blog that just goes back and forth. So here's the thing...my back is killing me. Literally. Maybe 5% of people know this, and even then...yeah. It takes all my energy, sucks me dry, and leaves me emotionally wrecked for everyone else to deal with. It does not appear to be getting better. I am stuck in the body of a 70-year-old, with most of the limitations that come with that (except I still have all my teeth, thank goodness). Add every other stress, and suddenly I'm back to wondering how I manage to get up each morning.

But I can't go back there! That was dark and hopeless and meant sleeping 16 hours a day.

This is the closest I may ever come to complaining about it. I hate that I even said this, but if I cannot be honest here then I am at a loss for where would be alright. This feels unbeatable.

28.12.10

Eleven Days Remaining




Christmas is over again. I got enough awesome stuff to last till V-Day, almost won $2 on my scratch-and-win, and only gained two pounds. Apparently I am also officially part of my dad's side of the family now that I own Canucks paraphernalia...go me.

School is almost back, and I still have papers to do. What a ridiculous mess. I don't think I've accomplished anything I promised myself I would do. Oops. I don't really know what else to say. Um. Lots of movies have been watched! ...Yeah.

PS - Do the math.

12.5.10

Drowning in my Own Expectations (Re: You're Making Me Angry)




I usually consider posting more than one blog a day to be...how do you say?...Ridiculous.

I cannot, however, be expected to be held to the same standards of unridiculousness at 2:24 A.M. while I am reading old blogs to pass the time until I finally fall asleep.

In October I posted a blog detailing how I must never ever under any circumstances cross my heart and hope to die do whatever it takes to stop it NEVER let myself be able to say it's been a year.

It's been a year.

As of five days ago, it has been a year. That hurts to say. Not a sharp pain; an uncomfortable, dull ache fills my stomach and drags me deeper within myself.

One year and six days ago, I think I was pretty much okay. One year and five days ago, I was not. And it continued. And it built. And so much happened that eventually I was overwhelmed. And here I am, no better off than I was over a year ago. I don't want three years of dry season! Gosh darnit, I didn't even want one!

Maybe I just expected too much from myself. I do that...a lot. It only serves to hurt me time and time again, but I can't help expecting too much all over again when a new situation presents itself.

I wanted to be better. I wanted to be well. I wanted to be out of this desert and at least on my way to the promised land. But what defines a promise anyway? Do I really have one at all? Or is another mirage catching me off guard? I am hopelessly lost, wandering in a sea of sand with nothing to block the horizon except my own hand in front of my face. There is no waterfall. There is no fresh summer grass. There is no milk and honey or happiness that doesn't last less than five seconds a pop or marriage to one's true love or beauty or the children I so desperately long for.

I am not getting better. This is not recovery. This is slowly wasting away.

14.3.10

Twenty-five




I haven't posted in an extremely long time. For reasons unknown, my computer is broken and the internet is nada working. I haven't wanted to blog on another computer, but now I'm just having to suck it up.
I was looking at old FB notes, and I came across one entitled "25" that is basically twenty-five random things about me. I didn't read it, but instead decided I will do another one on here and see how close they end up being; the last one was probably about a year ago.

1. Right now, my greatest desire is for waist-length blond hair.
2. I drink Jones Soda like the continuing existence of the universe depends on my doing so.
3. I still have over two years (at least) of schooling left, and I secretly have no desire to finish or do well.
4. None of my grandparents have died yet, and when I remember this it always scares me how much it doesn't scare me. They've always been there and I cannot imagine a time without them; I know it has to happen sometime but it is beyond my comprehension. As a result, I fear I'll be devastated by the shock.
5. I have a secret that I am keeping from every single person I know. It is a different secret for each one, but a significant secret nonetheless. For each person, it is the one thing that I think would destroy our friendship if they knew, even if it is ridiculous to think so.
6. I wanted to be married by 20. In three months I will be 22. I have my wedding dress picked out, know the church I want it to be in, and have already begun to make a mental list of the things I will register for at IKEA. I have been single for nearly a year and there are no promising prospects.
7. I am getting better at saying good-bye and knowing that there is a good chance that the next time I will see them will probably be in Heaven. And I think I'm finally okay with that.
8. The most recent happiest moment of my life was tonight, filling up my gas tank for $45 Canadian down in the States. Normally, here, it would cost over $60. Life is so good.
9. About 90% of the people I would have considered my closest friends this time last year have changed.
10. I would trade my own life's happiness for my brother to be happy without a second of hesitation.
11. My favourite McFlurry is caramel Oreo.
12. I remember the moment when it was first announced that the 2010 Olympic Winter Games would be held here. I was 15 and at my best friend's house. It feels like yesterday, and now six years later they're already over.
13. I love the movie Day Zero. I bought it 4 for $10 at Superstore a few weeks ago even though I'd never seen it, and it turned out to be the perfect pick. It's not a typical "OMG I just looooooove it" movie, but I can't help myself. I don't even know why.
14. I would rather be pretty much anywhere but here right now doing anything but this. I'm glad God's been so clear and horribly disappointed all at the same time.
15. I have two cats, Chloe and Pepsi. They're usually better company than most people I know.
16. When I own my own house, the first thing I am going to do is create my sanctuary. I want an entire wall that is all bookshelves, and a cabinet with a thousand drawers for all of my art supplies, and a desk that surrounds me on three sides that has enough room for anything and everything, and walls that I can keep in a constant state of painting and decorating according to my daily mood, and real plants all over the place, and a window that the sun hits perfectly...and a life-size poster of James McAvoy just to keep me motivated.
17. If it were possible, I would live strictly on McDonald's fries, salt and vinegar Pringles, and chocolate soya milk.
18. In grade ten I drank a can of Coke in eight seconds.
19. When I tell people I want to be a nun, I mean it. They laugh and I laugh but I am dead serious.
20. If I win $10,000 on Roll Up The Rim, which I am highly anticipating, I have a masterful plan. I will: work only half the summer, pay off my student loan, buy a newer car, buy a new wardrobe, and spend the rest of my summer in Europe. So far I'm 0 for 7 on winning anything, even donuts.
21. My next boyfriend will prefer Pepsi to Coke, not be able to fit into my jeans, know how to make a killer breakfast sandwich, cheer for the right hockey team, want to do Bible studies with me in bed (sounds 1000x worse than what I mean), know how to plan a wicked awesome date, and wear sexy shoes. This is all that I require.
22. My therapist's name is Scott. He makes me breathe easier, doesn't judge me when I mess up (oooor purposely go off the deep end), and he didn't laugh when I told him that my spirit animal is a whale.
23. It took me about seven months to figure out what "FTW" means.
24. This week, between free McDonald's coffees, Roll Up The Rim Tim Horton's coffees, Starbucks, and our awesome at-home Starbucks coffee, I have probably had about 17 coffees.
25. If I could do one thing with the rest of my life if there were no consequences and no requirements for life other than to live it, I would live somewhere beautiful and spend all of my days drawing, writing, having sex, eating wonderful food, and listening to music. I wonder if at the end of it all I will regret not just doing it.

18.10.09

Uno, Deux, Three





My favourite blogs usually start when I have nothing to say. Tonight is one of those nights.

I do my best thinking alone in my car (bathroom, bed), talking myself through life. Reliving the past, contemplating possibilities for the future and coming up with wishful ridiculousies for the present are some of my most cherished activities during these times. Tonight, I talked with someone (slash they weren't actually there, although I do think I could play them rather convincingly on stage if ever called upon) about the intricacies of love from my point of view. It took a lot of explaining, but I think he got it in the end.

Tonight was my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. 50 of us gathered together to toast, roast, and (best of all) love on them. As the night wore on, more than once I caught them smiling into each other's eyes and realized that it takes more than luck to find a love like that. I was beyond happy for them, yet sad in a way I can't possibly describe.

As I explained my thoughts to my friend in the car on the way back to school, I realized some key things about myself. Uno: I am not crazy to be scared. Deux: It's probably all my fault. And three: I want someone to really see me before they love me.

The more I look around, the more I talk to God, and the more I converse with Invisibles, the more convinced I am that this has to be part of the plan.

7.12.08

Looking Back, Moving Forward




Today I've been reading over a mini-journal I kept at camp this summer. It was a compilation of thoughts based on what the speakers had said, as well as new things I was coming to understand about God. As I read them now, I can see the things I grasped and have worked into my life already, and the thoughts which haven't yet completely sunk in. Six months later and I'm still trying to understand the same truths. So here is a sample. I think it's so awesome.


"I need to be ministering to people. If I'm not loving on them, it doesn't matter who I am. My self is no where near important as the one [lost sheep].
I want to be genuinely pleased with who I am.

"Joshua 5:13-15 -> Joshua at once realizes his mistake, that God does not work for him, but the other way around. They're on God's side, not him on theirs.

"Romans 11:33-36 -> God's plans for my life are totally untraceable.
His plans are so beyond us. We cannot possibly understand the intricacies. I cannot know the mind of God, or counsel him as to what he should do in my life, or think that for anything I've done he would owe me.
The fact that I'm breathing is evidence of God's grace for me.
Everything originates in God, is held together through God, and exists to glorify God.

"This INCREDIBLE God loves us.
It's ridiculous.

"None of it is for my glory, for me.
It's only for HIM.

"John 12:41-43 -> These leaders cared more for human approval than God's.
Stand. No compromise. That's leadership. That's belief.

"LOVE YOUR ENEMIES!
Who am I to say that anyone owes me an apology, owes me ANYTHING, when I owe God my life?

"The only cure for guilt is to understand that God IS compassion.

"Hebrews 4:14-16 -> Jesus gets us.

"Romans 8:1 -> 'Therefore there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.'
God is always asking us to come back to him, ready to give and have more.

"My heart's cry: I want to know I need God like the air I breathe."



To me, this is inspiration in its purest form. Looking back on what God was teaching me half a year ago, seeing how far I've come and how far I still have to go.

I hope that I never reach a day where I think I've had enough God, where I know enough about him that any more would just be silly. Every day, I want to come to know him better. Hopefully I can put myself aside long enough to allow him to change my heart.