You Can't Stop Wishing if You Don't Let Go

So simple, so obvious, so out of reach until Jack Johnson said it so poignantly. I have heard this song a hundred times and never heard this.

You can't stop wishing if you don't let go.

I am a holder-on-er. I love adventure and spontaneity and thrills; I despise change. It is mostly out of fear, because I am so darn afraid that I will not be able to readjust to my new circumstances. Example: I have worked the same job on and off for five years as jobs are available, and every time I am at a new location I almost don't go because what if they won't let me in or there's no parking or my boss has his phone off and I can't find them or I have, in this new setting, suddenly forgotten how to spin a crepe? I like reliability and time-proven examples to show that I am capable of something. I would rather pick up and move across the country on a whim than try a new sandwich place that is not Subway. All this to say that I hold on desperately to what I know and what is comfortable. For me. Like I said, moving across the country doesn't scare me as much as ordering a coffee at Blenz instead of Starbucks.

You can't stop wishing if you don't let go.

My memories are the same, as are plans and fantasies and goals. Easy to maintain, hard to exchange, and impossible to eliminate with nothing to put in its place. I am in the process of changing/rebuilding a lot of my dreams. Sometimes, though, I find myself caught up in the old wishes, almost out of habit.

You can't stop wishing if you don't let go.

New wish: I want my life as a whole to be an adventure. A year ago I would have told you that I want to do the same thing for the rest of my life, but now that seems so mundane. I want to spend three years in Cuba as a missionary, followed by two years working at Booster Juice to afford booster seats and cribs in Surrey, then five years at a new church plant in Winnipeg until it's time to travel around doing conferences and seminars for people who have the Bible all wrong. Or something to that effect. I don't know. That's not even what I want; what I want is to convey that I am so thrilled by the idea that I don't know. Which is strange. I am exchanging set dreams and goals for nothing, and I have never been so (scared) delighted.

I am letting go. No more wishing.

If That's the Road God Made Me Take to Be with You

This is not my life. This cannot be my life.

It has now officially been a year and a half. Context? Context. More context. It is not about a boy or a heartache or a crappy summer or a billion descending steps that landed me here. It's that I'm still here, and every sign I saw of help finally coming turned out to be just another mirage.

How many times this week do I have to break down in Starbucks before I realize things are not getting better? How often do I need to talk myself back into staying at school because I know I will regret it the rest of my life if I don't? How long before I can laugh at these questions because life is finally not here?

Sidenote: this whole "Natural November" thing is killing anything I had going on, for billions of reasons. But I guess I can narrow it down to a few:

1. I look like a 12 year old without make-up...and that's being generous.

2. God gave man the brain capacity to create eyelash curlers and mascara so that people like me could look like we have eyes. That should never be taken away.

3. This is self-inflicted, so if I quit I will only disappoint myself and feel even crappier than I do without the freaking stuff.

4. I have zero confidence when it feels like all people are doing when they talk to me is analyzing how many colours are on my face at any given time, staring with morbid curiosity at how my face looks like it died 10 years ago without blush, and, of course, they're still searching for my eyes.

I know it's a good exercise, and I know no one is holding me to this but me. I want to feel beautiful without help...but I look at my issues stretched across pages and pages of notes, and I am realizing exactly how petrified I am of being rejected for my appearance. I don't know if I can continue. It makes me truly sad to have to say that.

I am thoroughly exhausted. My energy, my self-esteem, my resources, my back-up battery power...all exhausted. Yet I type this with no emotion whatsoever. I am a wall; hard, cold, unfeeling. Then it slips out in a public place and I am surprised. By what, I have no idea.

I Don't Know What to Be without You Around

Tomorrow is packing and cleaning and packing and organizing and unpacking things I still need and re-packing in their place. Tomorrow is doing whatever the heck I want: sleeping when I want, eating what I want, shutting myself away from who I want. I need me time. I miss me time. Coming home exhausted at the end of a long, stressful day and falling asleep doing devotions is by no means me time.

Tomorrow is hours closer to tomorrow's tomorrow. Tuesday is final packing and weighing and sleeping in and quick good-byes and even a silly good-bye and a flight home and lots of hugs and Starbucks and my car and a bed that feels like I belong in it. Tuesday is forgetting for a minute that I ever left the land of sea and stars and ocean and real air and real water.

Today was good-byes and t-shirts and promises and frustrations and stress and McDonald's and Die Hard and making way too many moves and exhaustion and, ultimately, relief. Today was the final day of expectations.

STRENGTH

I AM DESPERATELY TRYING TO TURN AROUND.

I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW FAR OFF TRACK I WAS UNTIL I LOOKED BACK TO SEE HOW FAR I'D COME. ALL I SAW WERE MILES AND MILES I NEVER PLANNED TO TRAVEL.

"WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE."

I CANNOT ESCAPE MYSELF.

STARTING IN SEPTEMBER, I MIGHT BE TAKING ON THE SCARIEST UNDERTAKING OF MY LIFE. I NEVER WANTED THIS, I NEVER ASKED FOR IT. UNTIL TODAY. UNTIL TEN HOURS AGO, SITTING OUTSIDE STARBUCKS, WHEN I SAID THAT I WOULD DO IT. AM I INSANE? OR IS THIS GOD FINALLY BREAKING THROUGH MY PRECONCEPTIONS?

I'LL HAVE TO CHANGE. I'LL NEED TO BE A BETTER PERSON. I'LL NEED TO STEP UP AND FINALLY BE THE PERSON I'VE ALWAYS BEEN CAPABLE OF BEING BUT HAVE NEVER HAD THE NEED FOR.

I NEED THAT BETTER PERSON NOW.

Drowning in a Venti White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino Double Blended Hold the Whip Please

Oh Starbucks and your wily ways. Half-price frappuccinos for ten days during "happy hour." This is my third day...even ventis are less than $3 and I just can't help myself!

Coffee, chocolate, cold. Best ever.

Twenty-five

I haven't posted in an extremely long time. For reasons unknown, my computer is broken and the internet is nada working. I haven't wanted to blog on another computer, but now I'm just having to suck it up.

I was looking at old FB notes, and I came across one entitled "25" that is basically twenty-five random things about me. I didn't read it, but instead decided I will do another one on here and see how close they end up being; the last one was probably about a year ago.

1. Right now, my greatest desire is for waist-length blond hair.

2. I drink Jones Soda like the continuing existence of the universe depends on my doing so.

3. I still have over two years (at least) of schooling left, and I secretly have no desire to finish or do well.

4. None of my grandparents have died yet, and when I remember this it always scares me how much it doesn't scare me. They've always been there and I cannot imagine a time without them; I know it has to happen sometime but it is beyond my comprehension. As a result, I fear I'll be devastated by the shock.

5. I have a secret that I am keeping from every single person I know. It is a different secret for each one, but a significant secret nonetheless. For each person, it is the one thing that I think would destroy our friendship if they knew, even if it is ridiculous to think so.

6. I wanted to be married by 20. In three months I will be 22. I have my wedding dress picked out, know the church I want it to be in, and have already begun to make a mental list of the things I will register for at IKEA. I have been single for nearly a year and there are no promising prospects.

7. I am getting better at saying good-bye and knowing that there is a good chance that the next time I will see them will probably be in Heaven. And I think I'm finally okay with that.

8. The most recent happiest moment of my life was tonight, filling up my gas tank for $45 Canadian down in the States. Normally, here, it would cost over $60. Life is so good.

9. About 90% of the people I would have considered my closest friends this time last year have changed.

10. I would trade my own life's happiness for my brother to be happy without a second of hesitation.

11. My favourite McFlurry is caramel Oreo.

12. I remember the moment when it was first announced that the 2010 Olympic Winter Games would be held here. I was 15 and at my best friend's house. It feels like yesterday, and now six years later they're already over.

13. I love the movie Day Zero. I bought it 4 for $10 at Superstore a few weeks ago even though I'd never seen it, and it turned out to be the perfect pick. It's not a typical "OMG I just looooooove it" movie, but I can't help myself. I don't even know why.

14. I would rather be pretty much anywhere but here right now doing anything but this. I'm glad God's been so clear and horribly disappointed all at the same time.

15. I have two cats, Chloe and Pepsi. They're usually better company than most people I know.

16. When I own my own house, the first thing I am going to do is create my sanctuary. I want an entire wall that is all bookshelves, and a cabinet with a thousand drawers for all of my art supplies, and a desk that surrounds me on three sides that has enough room for anything and everything, and walls that I can keep in a constant state of painting and decorating according to my daily mood, and real plants all over the place, and a window that the sun hits perfectly...and a life-size poster of James McAvoy just to keep me motivated.

17. If it were possible, I would live strictly on McDonald's fries, salt and vinegar Pringles, and chocolate soya milk.

18. In grade ten I drank a can of Coke in eight seconds.

19. When I tell people I want to be a nun, I mean it. They laugh and I laugh but I am dead serious.

20. If I win $10,000 on Roll Up The Rim, which I am highly anticipating, I have a masterful plan. I will: work only half the summer, pay off my student loan, buy a newer car, buy a new wardrobe, and spend the rest of my summer in Europe. So far I'm 0 for 7 on winning anything, even donuts.

21. My next boyfriend will prefer Pepsi to Coke, not be able to fit into my jeans, know how to make a killer breakfast sandwich, cheer for the right hockey team, want to do Bible studies with me in bed (sounds 1000x worse than what I mean), know how to plan a wicked awesome date, and wear sexy shoes. This is all that I require.

22. My therapist's name is Scott. He makes me breathe easier, doesn't judge me when I mess up (oooor purposely go off the deep end), and he didn't laugh when I told him that my spirit animal is a whale.

23. It took me about seven months to figure out what "FTW" means.

24. This week, between free McDonald's coffees, Roll Up The Rim Tim Horton's coffees, Starbucks, and our awesome at-home Starbucks coffee, I have probably had about 17 coffees.

25. If I could do one thing with the rest of my life if there were no consequences and no requirements for life other than to live it, I would live somewhere beautiful and spend all of my days drawing, writing, having sex, eating wonderful food, and listening to music. I wonder if at the end of it all I will regret not just doing it.