Accepted and Worthy Is Our New Name

So, today is the day. At exactly 1:41 AM, I will transform from being a boring, run of the mill, poop on a stick 22-year-old into a marvelous, fascinating, completely transformed 23-year-old! Brilliant! And the intermittent pictures? On the eve of such an occasion, I think it highly appropriate to document the many faces of Leanne in the face of facing said occasion.

I don't think I was a big fan of 22. Negative perspective (it's always best to start here and end on a sweet note):

• I was a heart and soul prisoner of the institution, of The Man.
• I had a lot of bad dreams, a lot of which came true.
• I made mistakes.
• I gained weight in bad places.
• I had the worst internship of my life and took the worst road possible to build character.
• I cried. A lot.

But the positive perspective! (it's always so comforting going through the negatives and almost always thinking of positives anyways):

• I had my incredible, life-changing roadtrip with God!
• I finally got to go on tour and see the whole amazing country! And who could forget the people?! Wow!
• I built a LOT of character!
• I made some new amazing friends!
• I overcame a lot of difficult things and came to a new level of understanding myself, others and God!
• I found a man who treats me right!
• I learned to laugh again with true appreciation of life!

So, in summation, it was a year, which I was apparently more pleased with than I first thought upon initial recall. Good thing I made lists. Tomorrow my family will celebrate 23 years of life since I landed, and Saturday my friends will celebrate surviving thus far and the potential for life yet to be lived. I don't know how else to say it, or if it will even get across what I want to say at all, but here goes: yesterday helped to shape me into who I am, and the day before that and the year before that; the good, the bad and the ugly. Yesterday does not hold me, however; I am no longer defined by who I was yesterday or any second preceding that. Christ in me is who I am now, and who I will grow into. He holds every one of my yesterdays and all my tomorrows. And today, this day that recognizes my birth, is nothing more than a tribute to one more year that He has plans for me. I hope to live this next year in such a way that brings more honor to Him than to myself.

You Don't Know Me at All

It's been a long time since I blogged about tangible things, or so it seems to me. Thinking on ways to fix this, it came to me. I think I may have done a blog on this in the past (if I find it, I'll link it), but it will still be fun. Twenty-five random things about me:

1. I once drove to California by myself just for an In-n-Out burger.
2. I secretly desire to be one of those (psychotic) morning people who wakes up before dawn to exercise for two hours before breakfast. I love the idea of being that person, but my willpower and natural tendencies don't bend that way.
3. The thought of ketchup makes me gag. Ketchup in reality is fine.
4. A diamond has been falling out of my ring for nearly 2 years and I still have not had it fixed. I am scared that I will look down one day and it will be gone, but the idea of not wearing it so it can be fixed weirds me out.
5. I would rather read the Message than the NLT.
6. Every time I watch a TV show where people are driving in a car, I tense up for the entire scene and hold my breath because I am so scared they will be in an accident. And whenever I'm right, the jolt feels like I'm right in there with them.
7. If I could, I would only ever wear red shoes.
8. I enjoy cleaning bathrooms.
9. Every time I start a new relationship with a man (okay, let's be real, it's usually been with boys), I keep tokens along the way "just in case." Then, when it ends, I dump it all except one thing. Then I hide that thing somewhere random where I will never think to look so that by the time I find it, I will smile because there will only be good memories left.
10. Whenever I find myself thinking "if only my ______ were more ________," I now remind myself that it's God's way of keeping me humble. This brings me surprising peace. Rather than complaining that I can't sing, I don't tan, my eyes aren't big enough and I'm just the wrong height, I smile to myself and give God a small nudge of appreciation.
11. I have not written a letter to my sponsor child, Bizi, since I started supporting him in January 2009. Every time I see his picture I feel guilty, but somehow never guilty enough to send him something. It was just his birthday again. He's 8 now.
12. I love wearing giant, flashy earrings.
13. Sometimes I have confidence. Sometimes I do not. The times I do are usually the times I am inadequate and should be humble, while the times I do not are often the times I am forgetting in Whom my confidence should be.
14. I use a man's razor. I like red better than pink, and things that work better than pretty things that break.
15. I am an introvert. The more I admit it and stop fighting who I am, the easier it becomes to just be.
16. There are three weeks left of school. Part of me is desperately sad, but that is only the scared part; the rest of me, all 98%, is thrilled beyond words.
17. My car's name is Zimbabwe, Zimi for short. She flies, sings, conditions and swings. And she holds my cups with confidence.
18. For the first time in probably 6 months, I went to the graveyard on Thursday. It was hot like June and there were flowers everywhere and the wind stopped blowing and my heels were covered in mud and I trimmed the grass with my fingernails and I cried there for things I will never have. Seven years. Where did the time go?
19. The more I see them, the more I love Gerber Daisies.
20. I like who I am in the summer more than at any other time.
21. It's been nearly a year since the end of everything I thought I was going to live my whole life for. Thank You, God, for taking it when You did. Despite the mess, You had the timing down to a T. I am not angry at You anymore.
22. I will only be 22 for another 82 days. It has not been the hardest year. And things will only continue to go up.
23. I am still saving BigMacs for marriage.
24. I am out of my favourite perfume. By the time I get it again, it will be time to leave it behind. I miss smelling like me.
25. I am learning a lot about what real love really is.

Woah! This Sex Is on Fire

I am more than 22.5 years old. Whew. Know what that makes me? Old.

Yes, old. Practically ancient. This is not another rant on how much I should have accomplished by 22. At least, not wholly. Sort of. This is an account of what my life should look like and does not. No fear, though! I promise to end on a positive note.

According to me at __, I should be:

7 - old and making money as a successful swimming lesson instructor.

9 - married to Matt Harvey and an elementary school teacher.

12 - graduated with a BA in something important that will get me somewhere big.

14 - anywhere but here.

15 - someone thrilling and crazy, doing body shots off of underwear models in Tahiti before returning to Canada to be famous.

16 - married with a kid and rich.

17 - famous and not alone.

18 - married to a pastor, famous of course, and planting churches.

19 - just not alone.

20 - graduated and a youth pastor.

21 - better...healthy...back to normal.

22 - anywhere but here.

A lot happened between 14 and 22, but apparently not much has changed.

But. Not to be all negative all over everything good in my life, there are actually good things going on. (In case you haven't noticed, I love lists lately.)

1. I'm alone! Woot!
2. I am taking myself on a cruise sometime in the next year. Sweet bliss. Not to Tahiti or with famous people, but just to be anywhere but here...and be well-fed doing it.
3. I survived this semester and next will be 1000x easier.
4. It is almost Christmas.
5. I am not alone.

And that's about it for now.

Oh. And Ewan McGregor is sexy.

The end.

"Make It Chocolate! With the Lemon Stuff on Top, and then the Meringue! You'll Be Famous and I'll Be Happy!"

In less than 24 hours, I will stop being 21. I will take a breath, blink, and it will be over. A full year of without.

Tonight I came home and the entire sky was brilliant pink, and as I walked and stared at it, my candy necklace got stuck on my diamond earrings. I came back for pizza and Pepsi. I had to have blood drawn today. My bathroom smells like pink grapefruit. I also finished Wuthering Heights; it was a gift for my last birthday. This is a typical day in the life of me. By typical I don't mean that I always eat candy necklaces or give blood to find out if I have a properly functioning liver; a typical day means that it's a string of unlinked, unimportant events that I'll barely recall tomorrow.

My favourite saying is always "I don't want to be here by this time next year." It's my birthday again. It's a year. Again. Every time I turn around it has been a year since something, and things are still the same.

Less than a day left of this crappy year, and then it's like I have a new start. I get to start all over at 1:41am. I have to believe that maybe 22 will be beautiful, that it can dull sharp edges and bring out some good in me, in the wake of the storm of 21.

T Minus Nine Days, One Hour and Eleven Minutes

A wise young person told me the other day that turning 19 is exciting because of the drinking, 20 because of finally out-living the teens (that's where he's at in three days), and 21 because of the legal drinking and gambling in the States. And then there's me.

In nine days, I will officially be old. Don't ask me what that means for everyone already beyond me because you probably don't want to know what I think.

It's not so much that 22 is old. It's not. At all. It's more that I haven't done anything I wanted to have done by now.

I was supposed to be married at 20, have my first child at 21, and have graduated University with an accredited degree by 22. At the rate I'm going, I won't have any of those until I'm at least 25. All of them? 26 is the earliest.

I'd like to think that I'll be the type to age gracefully...but who am I kidding?! I'm terrified of almost entering my mid-twenties.

I'm in Whistler taking a much needed vacation right now. I haven't gotten away for me time in a very very very long time...and I can't even enjoy it.

I'm broken.

Okay, so maybe 22 isn't even that bad.

Maybe 22 is actually really good.

Aaaaand considering I look like I'm 15, I won't actually look like I'm 22 until I'm in my thirties.

Score.

But.

One day I will wake up, and I will be 32. I won't take 32 as well as 22.

The less credence I give to 22, the easier the bigger numbers will be able to catch me without my noticing.

I think I'm going to need a vacation to recover from this one.