You Don't Know Me at All

It's been a long time since I blogged about tangible things, or so it seems to me. Thinking on ways to fix this, it came to me. I think I may have done a blog on this in the past (if I find it, I'll link it), but it will still be fun. Twenty-five random things about me:

1. I once drove to California by myself just for an In-n-Out burger.
2. I secretly desire to be one of those (psychotic) morning people who wakes up before dawn to exercise for two hours before breakfast. I love the idea of being that person, but my willpower and natural tendencies don't bend that way.
3. The thought of ketchup makes me gag. Ketchup in reality is fine.
4. A diamond has been falling out of my ring for nearly 2 years and I still have not had it fixed. I am scared that I will look down one day and it will be gone, but the idea of not wearing it so it can be fixed weirds me out.
5. I would rather read the Message than the NLT.
6. Every time I watch a TV show where people are driving in a car, I tense up for the entire scene and hold my breath because I am so scared they will be in an accident. And whenever I'm right, the jolt feels like I'm right in there with them.
7. If I could, I would only ever wear red shoes.
8. I enjoy cleaning bathrooms.
9. Every time I start a new relationship with a man (okay, let's be real, it's usually been with boys), I keep tokens along the way "just in case." Then, when it ends, I dump it all except one thing. Then I hide that thing somewhere random where I will never think to look so that by the time I find it, I will smile because there will only be good memories left.
10. Whenever I find myself thinking "if only my ______ were more ________," I now remind myself that it's God's way of keeping me humble. This brings me surprising peace. Rather than complaining that I can't sing, I don't tan, my eyes aren't big enough and I'm just the wrong height, I smile to myself and give God a small nudge of appreciation.
11. I have not written a letter to my sponsor child, Bizi, since I started supporting him in January 2009. Every time I see his picture I feel guilty, but somehow never guilty enough to send him something. It was just his birthday again. He's 8 now.
12. I love wearing giant, flashy earrings.
13. Sometimes I have confidence. Sometimes I do not. The times I do are usually the times I am inadequate and should be humble, while the times I do not are often the times I am forgetting in Whom my confidence should be.
14. I use a man's razor. I like red better than pink, and things that work better than pretty things that break.
15. I am an introvert. The more I admit it and stop fighting who I am, the easier it becomes to just be.
16. There are three weeks left of school. Part of me is desperately sad, but that is only the scared part; the rest of me, all 98%, is thrilled beyond words.
17. My car's name is Zimbabwe, Zimi for short. She flies, sings, conditions and swings. And she holds my cups with confidence.
18. For the first time in probably 6 months, I went to the graveyard on Thursday. It was hot like June and there were flowers everywhere and the wind stopped blowing and my heels were covered in mud and I trimmed the grass with my fingernails and I cried there for things I will never have. Seven years. Where did the time go?
19. The more I see them, the more I love Gerber Daisies.
20. I like who I am in the summer more than at any other time.
21. It's been nearly a year since the end of everything I thought I was going to live my whole life for. Thank You, God, for taking it when You did. Despite the mess, You had the timing down to a T. I am not angry at You anymore.
22. I will only be 22 for another 82 days. It has not been the hardest year. And things will only continue to go up.
23. I am still saving BigMacs for marriage.
24. I am out of my favourite perfume. By the time I get it again, it will be time to leave it behind. I miss smelling like me.
25. I am learning a lot about what real love really is.

Face, It's Been Awhile

I have not blogged in...sixteen days. That has to be almost a record. Here is the story:

1. I went to Mexico for a week. An all-inclusive, by myself, to get away from everyone and everything. No phone, no computer, just me. It was marvelous and lonely and relaxing and strange and exactly what I needed. I got the rest I needed as well as some much needed God time. As great as it was, though, I will probably never do something like that again; the lonely bit was almost too much to bear.

2. School. Only six weeks left. And I am done. I have decided not to return next year, unless something miraculous happens and everything about me, inside and out, changes. I am done. It is the most releasing, peaceful feeling. There is no regret in not graduating with the wonderful people I started this journey with, and no worry that I will not finish my degree. This is the season, so I am dressing for it.

3. I am getting fired up and passionate about the things that matter again. This is leaving very little time for being frivolous, at least in the amount that I have been the last long while, so blogging was cut for a little bit. Now it is time for some introspection.

I am finally excited, thrilled, to be alive. I have dreams, they are in the process of being made reality, and I have no choice but to trust God that He will come through again. It's indecisively crazy times like these that I live for. More thoughts to come, for now I just had to mark the occasion. OH! Realization. Someone challenged me the other day to recognize and record the big moments in life, like the Israelites erecting rock formations every time God moved. This blog is my collection of rock formations.

I'll Drive All the Way to California

Millions of thoughts running through my head. Here's a brief summation:

• I want a new car. Desperately. I need to drive and drive and drive. When I leave driving too long, it drives me up the wall and I forget that I know how and I become paranoid and begin to doubt my skills. Which I obviously have. I don't just want to drive anywhere, I want to go somewhere hot and somewhat exotic and far away. It's becoming a need. I need a new car so I can do these things.
• I miss California. I did not want to go for reading break, but now I miss it. I drove down twice in '06, and once in '09 and '10 respectively. I miss it. I miss the smell and the ocean and the stretch of the I5 between kill-me-now-nowhere, California, and Los Angeles. I miss the winding highway between kill-me-now-hotness, Nevada, and TGI-In-n-Out-Burger in Redding. I miss shorts and a bikini at 90 mph.
• I am burning to do something significant with my life. For God. Now. Yet here I sit in school, unable to emerge until I have my degree, and I feel trapped. I want the knowledge, I love to learn; more than that, I want to make a dent. I have done too little for too long. I feel useless.
• Seven. Final offer.
• I would like to start doing one thrilling thing a week. If I do, life will have landmarks and I may just smile more. I love smiling, and I love being thrilled out of my mind. This is a must.
• I despise intensives and everything they stand for and pretend to accomplish. Especially week-long-ers. Especially weekend-ers. Especially ones with books and work and teachers and people.
• I love Hebrew. Love, love, love. Fluency will eventually become me nicely.
• I am torn about a huge issue in my life. If I continue in the way I am headed, potential disaster. If I quit now, will I ever let go and just do what I want? The big question: do I keep the 4" orange heels or return them and get something wonderful but not as exciting? I only have days left to decide. What do I do?!!?!
• My hair is getting longer. I miss my short hair suddenly (thus my completely unflattering but totally nostalgic fb profile picture), but if I cut it now I will hurt myself. Ugh. I just want it uber long or right back to short. NO! It will be long. The end.
• Waffles with strawberries would make my life right now.

Basically, I think too much. That is all

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I Tried My Best to Be Guarded, but I'm an Open Book Instead

I am slowly coming to the realization that I can never go back.

There are so many things I would change if I could, so many precautions I would have taken, so many wise words I would have told myself. I will never again relive the "glory days," which, without the glare of nostalgia, really weren't so glorious after all; I will never relive the dark days, which, at the time, contained some of my most precious moments. I can never again be the Leanne who gave her heart to Jesus in the earnest hope that her life would turn around. We are so far beyond that now.

The more I discover about God, the more He thrills me. I read His name and feel my heart turn wildly inside of my chest, as someone so eloquently put it. I am falling in love with Him for who He is, not who I want Him to be or who it would be more convenient for Him to be or what He could do for me. Just Him. And it's rocking my world.

Part of my issue right now with only three more weeks of school this semester is trying to stay focused when all I want to do is sit down and read my Bible for hours on end. I want to read books that go deep into who He is, not just scratch the surface in an overview attempt at explaining a concept to people who haven't yet begun that journey. I want so much more right now! I haven't had passion about anything in so long, but last night as I discussed my views on some controversial topics, I felt a part of myself start to breathe again. I may have been too pushy at some points, and for that I apologize, but it was just so exciting to know I was excited about something! And it wasn't just any something.

Okay, I need to sleep now. If I want any energy with which to properly live each day so I have time for the things I want - let's be real, when it becomes as essential as breathing it is now a need - and not just the things necessary for passing courses that I will most likely forget about in a year's time. I want to learn, but so much more than that I want to fall deeper into Him. It will take my whole life to learn how to do it right, and then it will only be the start of an even grander adventure as I move on to the real story of my existence.

So if I continuously bring up the same topics, I...well, I don't apologize, but I am sorry if it bothers you. I am just so enthralled with this stuff that I can't help but talk about it.

Because...? Ha!

Today gave me a lot of thinking time. A jack-knifed semi through the center median blocking traffic in both directions provides ample time for extensive thought processes. The number one thing I took from it: it is impossible to hate someone who you are happy for. Despite this statements many connotations, it means something I never realized until now: it is impossible to hate me when I am happy for me. Wow.

Without indifference to the crappy feelings I've been submerged in lately, I think my head is finally above water and I am nearly gleeful at the turn-around I have made. I am THRILLED that I am apparently still on track with where God is leading my life, and that feels pretty awesome. I look around me, and it's only blue skies and butterflies (literally, it hasn't rained here in weeks). I don't know what the future holds, but I am not frightened anymore. To place the worth and weight of my entire future on the shoulders of another is unfair and impossible. Yet sitting here, supposedly on my own, I feel as if the burden has lightened and I can breathe again. I am no longer trying to wrap tomorrow's uncertainty up within someone else's dreams; He knows where I belong, He is above and beyond time, and He is more than happy to take some of this heaviness off my back.

I don't know who I'm writing for anymore. I used to write strictly for myself, back in high school. The best of my creativity was always hidden away only for me. Lately, as in the last year or so, it's been more public and a part of the old me died. In that period, I found myself "directionalizing" my thoughts toward a person or an event or a mass. There is no person anymore, there is no event that loves on me the way I love on it, and there is no collection of followers to keep this up for. So what is my purpose? Have I lose it?

I am finally writing for me again. This is not about a reaction or a revealing or a convincing or a convicting. This is me. And seeing as I cannot hate myself, it seems that I am stuck with this version of me for awhile. I am not disappointed; I am elated by the idea of simply writing for me. That doesn't mean that I don't want others to be privy to my thoughts...that's the exciting part. I just want the freedom to write what I write and be thrilled with myself, for no other reason than because