Just a Giant One

Tonight was not about me. It was about a lot of things and people, but most certainly did not revolve around me.

I did, however, get something out of it. And it's big.

One person, crazy enough to believe they can change the world, can. One person who is willing to stand up when everyone sits down under the crushing weight of oppression or the insignificant weight of embarrassment can cause others to stand, even if it's just to fall. One person following God's lead instead of their own can change an entire generation.

I want to be the one, you know? And I think I have it buried somewhere within me, or maybe it's more surface-level than I can see, but I want it to define me. I want to be used and consumed by God until I die and can really start living without the glaring flesh and sting of death. I have some things about myself I need to change first, though.

I don't love people enough. I love them in theory, just as I have spent most of my life loving God in theory, but when it comes down to it I don't love them enough to spend every ounce of myself sharing who God is with them. I don't love others enough to gently guide them instead of trampling their insides with my opinions; truth given in the wrong way at the wrong time is too often mistaken for falsehood.

I am too hard on myself. I let one mistake define me and I have a knack for taking humility to a wrong level. Couple that with bouts of egomania and I become a hindrance, not a help, to the Kingdom.

But, praise God, He's working things out in me. I am repairing relationships in my life like a madwoman, stepping up and having the hard conversations, and soaking up His word like nobody's business. I am letting Him work, so He is. No matter what else, no matter how I am or who I am or what happens, He Is.

Consider Yourself Notified

It's funny when life jumps up and slaps me where and when I least expect it. Tonight it was through a Facebook message informing me that a group was being archived due to inactivity, the group being a tribute to a teacher who died while I was in Grade 12. It took this to realize that I haven't thought about him since I graduated and it makes me incredibly sad because that seems to be what I do when people die: I don't think about it and end up forgetting they ever died and then, eventually, that they ever lived. What a waste of a memory.

This is so sad in this case, especially, because he was such a good man who loved God and loved his students. And he inspired me. He was a huge push behind my drive to do acting as a career, and maybe that was part of why I stopped. He died, and with him went my remembrance of his high enthusiasm for my abilities. I need to choose to see this as a positive thing, though. Without losing a part of that passion, I may never have become surrendered enough to pursue ministry the way I do today.

I am now in thinking mode. I cannot imagine a world where we know the time we will die, as does everyone else, and it causes neither shock nor sadness; a world that does not know cancer or disease and where life here is not the end but a precursor to the Greater Beyond. Yeah, Mr. Lewis has me thinking again, too.

Sunshine Sure Looks Good on You

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who complain all the time. There is a big difference between honestly telling someone how you're doing and going to ridiculous measures to make sure they know every little thing that is wrong. Maybe I'm still majorly lacking the gifts of mercy and compassion but, even here in my better state, I run out of patience with that kind of thing easily.

With that being said, it's rare that people know when things are genuinely wrong with me. I complain about stupid things just because they don't matter and keep the real to myself. I don't know if this is a good thing, it's just my thing. The last few weeks have been really hard to do that with, however. Tonight was especially bad because I had a KILLER migraine, which wasn't easy to hide. I suppose I could have spent the night in my room instead of curling up in the Aframe, but there is nothing worse than feeling terrible while being alone and unable to sleep.

I'm beginning to think it may be to my own detriment that I do not share what I'm going through all the time. But I don't know. I'm torn...thus this ridiculous blog that just goes back and forth. So here's the thing...my back is killing me. Literally. Maybe 5% of people know this, and even then...yeah. It takes all my energy, sucks me dry, and leaves me emotionally wrecked for everyone else to deal with. It does not appear to be getting better. I am stuck in the body of a 70-year-old, with most of the limitations that come with that (except I still have all my teeth, thank goodness). Add every other stress, and suddenly I'm back to wondering how I manage to get up each morning.

But I can't go back there! That was dark and hopeless and meant sleeping 16 hours a day.

This is the closest I may ever come to complaining about it. I hate that I even said this, but if I cannot be honest here then I am at a loss for where would be alright. This feels unbeatable.

You Will Always Love Me even though You Know

Tonight I have the privilege of sleeping in a real bed that is only two feet off the ground, drinking tea with milk and sugar before bed from a chair that does not squeak, and just being. It is wonderful.

Doing my devos tonight (yes, it is once again back on track time), I came across the story of the woman caught in adultery. It's poignant and beautiful. She does not beg, he does not condemn or lay the guilt trip on nice and thick, and he simply tells her to go and sin no more. It gives me hope. No matter what may go on in my life, this is my relationship with Him. This is the way He sees me, even for crimes "lesser" than adultery. Amazing, I know.

Christmas in five days. Whew. Who knew we'd get back here.

Every Now and Then

How did December get here so fast? How did papers and exams and all of this stuff come together in such quick succession? Ack. And how surprised am I to find out how much different things are.

I decided to stop relying on certain things in the last few weeks, and it has changed things. Things have changed things. I cried tonight...I don't cry anymore, so it was kind of a shock. I had no idea.

Cryptic is my new middle name. I cannot wait for break. Things will continue to go up.

Every Time I Look at You It's like the First Time

Lately I have been discovering hidden truths I have always believed, based on my interpretation of experiences, that may or may not be true. Tonight another one popped up, and it was not until the opposite was stated that I realized how often this lie has been the premise for so many of my actions.

Lie: Men are shallow. They do not have deep feelings. There are mythical men who have real emotions, but they are always getting slaughtered by women without hearts. A man could never care about me as much as I care about him. I cannot break a man's heart because he doesn't have one; even if he feels a sting, he'll be over it in a week (and by over it I mean in some other girl's hot tub). I have to just be okay with settling for someone who will never understand my feelings or experience the same level of love I have for him.

I started typing out the "truth" that was given to me tonight, but I felt stupid. Writing "all of the above is a lie" actually made me feel duped.

So where do I go from here?

I was just at a service with 50 other young adults hearing about relationships and being told to meet people "just in case," but I have never felt less like being someone. I was sitting there, actually kind of confused, because there was no pull to be with a guy. At all. Zero. But I don't know how to fix what is broken without someone showing me that I, all along in fact, have just been using the freaking eggbeaters the wrong way. You get my drift? I don't want someone perfect, but I want a man who will prove that I was wrong. That even if he makes me frustrated beyond belief and never puts the dishes away right and always buys skim instead of whole milk because he thinks it's healthier, he will feel for me deeply. Is that too much to ask?

Some other little tidbits I picked up tonight:

• If the past is not dealt with now, it will leak into the future. Duh...but I'd never heard it stated quite that way before.
• A warning sign that says it's time to get out: if there's any level of compromise (settling for something you don't believe in because you're not yet ready to fight for what you do).
• Women have 10x the touch receptors that men do!

That last one especially was a big learning curve :)

Thought of the day:

He will show up, one day. And when he does, he will feel things. He will choose to see past the crap and be willing to risk his heart on me. I can only hope that I am able to keep his heart safe the way I am trusting him to do with mine.

I'm all Out of Love, What Am I without You?

I'm not angry. I'm not bitter. I'm trapped.

If I go home: disobedience, failure.

If I stay: I fall apart.

I'm being left without a buffer.

Left without a confidante.

Left with more responsibility and less help.

I was right.

Today was a war zone.

It's not supposed to be, but that is what it has become.

And tonight...tonight I need to work through all of, of THIS, so that tomorrow I can smile and say the things I need to say and put on a brave face that says yesicanfacethisgivemeanychallengeandi'llrisetoit even though my Self keeps crying out to me youneedtoslowitdowntakeabreathsitdownforasecondandtakecareofyourselforyouwon'tmakeit.

I want want want so badly to go home.

I Make This Look Good

Tonight, the Thailand team arrives home. At 11pm, Katie and I will make our way back to the school, where the fallout began, and take the hit one last time. My gosh, it's already been a month.

I am centered, I am focused, and where I once was lost I now am found. I am healing and regaining composure and learning to rise above that which only makes me weaker. I am so glad that they are arriving at night, or the sense of deja-vu would be frightening and ultimately too much to handle. I will never forget the loading of that bus or the sluggish pull-away moment. But tonight can fix almost all of that.

I don't want to drone on about this any longer. I am nearly whole again, and I don't want it to seem as if I am still holding on. I'm not. My hands are open, palms to the sky, and I have let go.

Every day brings me closer to something new, something more exciting than ever before. I spent years and years of my life dwelling on the past and forgetting to participate and enjoy the present, thus missing an integral part of my existence that I can never have back. I refuse to make that mistake again. I am focusing on today and all that God has for me. Yesterday is gone, and the memories are only that: reflections, echoes of what once was and can never be again.

There is no regret. And there is hope. Always hope.

AH HA!

For the first time in a long time, I come before you with nothing preconceived to write about. Usually I try to empty my brain and whatever is left is what forms words. But there's nothing now except this extraordinary peace that I still can't quite put my finger on. I would be lying to say that I don't have cold feet about everything that God is changing in my life, but I'm too excited to let that steal my joy.

I went out for coffee with a friend tonight, and every time we get together, I can't describe the thoughts that surface and the emotions that rage beneath the surface. Not in some romantic, lustful way - gosh no. Hehe, as if. I just...he makes me wonder about a lot of things, in a good way. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but the point is that I wish he could see the truth as clearly as I can.

Today I made the big bucks. Tips: $2 for 4.5 hours of work. Don't worry though, I won't spend it all in one place.

I love Casting Crowns. Every time I think I'm over them, I realize the significance of their words all over again. They're all I've listened to lately, and it makes me feel glorious.

I hate taking the easy way out of things. If two paths are before me, I almost always opt for the harder one. That isn't to say that I don't know when to quit (I have a disgustingly resilient survival complex), but I don't want to look back and know that I always just did what came easiest. I want to do amazing things with my life! And now that I look back on my human planning skills, I know those plans weren't big enough. God has so much more for me!!

I ate a crepe today, and I'm already over them. Now I need to spend the entire summer saturating myself in the smell without any desire to indulge. Perfect. Now I'll be fighting back a gagging fit as well as trying desperately to control my temper so I don't scream at every customer who doesn't tip me. I just want to afford to put gas in my car, is that too much to ask?!

So, in case you didn't notice, these are all the nothings floating around in my head right now. Not to say that they're literally worth nothing, just that without their sum total they are meaningless.

I can't wait to finally watch the pieces start to move together. I've waited so long. And here's the truth. All these things are just the surface. The true heart that's beating underneath is crying out to speak...but I can't. Not yet. This is too much to hold in :)