Drops of Jupiter in Her Hair

This whole expression is meant to say more than the words. I am struggling for how to describe even that, so how can I possibly hope to say the volumes beneath? I want to capture a thought so perfectly that it just...clicks into its own place in the universe. Everything held its breath until that one thing for which it has been waiting.

Silly.

Dreaming about as Deep as a Wading Pool

I am being continually amazed by the lengths my heart will go to protect itself. I haven't yet figured out how to protect my heart without hardening it, so I either walk around taking bullets in the chest or else holding up a useless shield of anger or perma-smile or silence, when all I really need to do is invest in a bullet-proof vest.

In general, I can tell how I am doing by going back and reading my blogs from the past week and measuring their tone. It has been a shock to see how sad I have been lately. Sad and disoriented and disconnected. I thought I was doing well, I thought the sunshine was finally here, but I'm still in that hazy dawn, greyish area that comes just before the light. It scares me to admit, but I'm still in limbo. Standing on the edge of a knife can be a perfect balancing act until a slight slip that eventually cuts me in two; so the options are to fall to the one side and trust God will catch me, launch to the other and hope something will break my fall, or stay here and wait to be torn in half.

I want to want to be in that good place. Finally. I really, genuinely want it. And now we wait.

If You Wait too Long for the Perfect Moment, the Perfect Moment will Pass You By

I don't know anything anymore.

I'm leaving on Sunday, back on Friday. Out of contact with the world for five days. It's going to be wonderful.

I'm waiting on the moment things will change, the second they'll get better. I'm waiting on the day I'll be better, and it never seems to come.

Being in Toronto might be exactly what I need this summer. It might be a safe haven after all of...this. Or, it might be a nightmare.

Oh yeah, and it's only thirteen more days.

What a mess.

AH HA!

For the first time in a long time, I come before you with nothing preconceived to write about. Usually I try to empty my brain and whatever is left is what forms words. But there's nothing now except this extraordinary peace that I still can't quite put my finger on. I would be lying to say that I don't have cold feet about everything that God is changing in my life, but I'm too excited to let that steal my joy.

I went out for coffee with a friend tonight, and every time we get together, I can't describe the thoughts that surface and the emotions that rage beneath the surface. Not in some romantic, lustful way - gosh no. Hehe, as if. I just...he makes me wonder about a lot of things, in a good way. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but the point is that I wish he could see the truth as clearly as I can.

Today I made the big bucks. Tips: $2 for 4.5 hours of work. Don't worry though, I won't spend it all in one place.

I love Casting Crowns. Every time I think I'm over them, I realize the significance of their words all over again. They're all I've listened to lately, and it makes me feel glorious.

I hate taking the easy way out of things. If two paths are before me, I almost always opt for the harder one. That isn't to say that I don't know when to quit (I have a disgustingly resilient survival complex), but I don't want to look back and know that I always just did what came easiest. I want to do amazing things with my life! And now that I look back on my human planning skills, I know those plans weren't big enough. God has so much more for me!!

I ate a crepe today, and I'm already over them. Now I need to spend the entire summer saturating myself in the smell without any desire to indulge. Perfect. Now I'll be fighting back a gagging fit as well as trying desperately to control my temper so I don't scream at every customer who doesn't tip me. I just want to afford to put gas in my car, is that too much to ask?!

So, in case you didn't notice, these are all the nothings floating around in my head right now. Not to say that they're literally worth nothing, just that without their sum total they are meaningless.

I can't wait to finally watch the pieces start to move together. I've waited so long. And here's the truth. All these things are just the surface. The true heart that's beating underneath is crying out to speak...but I can't. Not yet. This is too much to hold in :)