I am being continually amazed by the lengths my heart will go to protect itself. I haven't yet figured out how to protect my heart without hardening it, so I either walk around taking bullets in the chest or else holding up a useless shield of anger or perma-smile or silence, when all I really need to do is invest in a bullet-proof vest.
In general, I can tell how I am doing by going back and reading my blogs from the past week and measuring their tone. It has been a shock to see how sad I have been lately. Sad and disoriented and disconnected. I thought I was doing well, I thought the sunshine was finally here, but I'm still in that hazy dawn, greyish area that comes just before the light. It scares me to admit, but I'm still in limbo. Standing on the edge of a knife can be a perfect balancing act until a slight slip that eventually cuts me in two; so the options are to fall to the one side and trust God will catch me, launch to the other and hope something will break my fall, or stay here and wait to be torn in half.
I want to want to be in that good place. Finally. I really, genuinely want it. And now we wait.
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