Let's Kick It Old School

Tonight I was tidying up and found my Jonas Brothers notebook, but couldn't remember for the life of me what was in it. If anyone has followed anything that's happened to me in the last two years...well, it's a mish mash of that. It starts with some pages from a class...Evangelism and Discipleship! Then a sermon I don't even remember preaching, some ripped out pages that are probably gone with good reason, and a packing list for my roadtrip last June. The following 10 pages were notes from the road, hurriedly scratched out while trying not to turn into pavement smear. Those were nothing but a joy to reread and remember the magnificent heart transformation that God accomplished in those three days. Fast forward to some curriculum planning in Toronto and other unfortunate-and-I'd-rather-not-remember entries. A weird dream, a planned roadtrip for myself, Tyler and Mark to go on (the best destination being Kentucky for some straight-from-the-motherland KFC), and then the truly painful stuff. It's not enough to read page upon page that I can't remember writing, but to get to the clearest memories of all...that hurts. A plea to God to forgive me. A "pact" with the disciplinarians of life. A psalm. And then, in the midst of some of the hardest of the hard, this:

God, how to explain? I am a mess. Again. I am empty. I feel desert-ed. I thought I was out of here, Lord. I thought I was in the clear, running with Your hand in mine. Was I wrong?

I stand here, Your living water the only thing keeping my heart beating. I am not thirsty; You promised I never would again and I am far from parched. I am satisfied in You.

How do I complain to the Lord of creation? Exactly, I don't. You are sovereign, my life alone is a gift, and I worship You in desert or field or storm or mountaintop. I worship You for staying the same, for Your righteous consistency.

How do I look into Your eyes, King of Kings, and ask why You have led me here? Your ways are higher than my ways, Your thoughts above my thoughts. Ultimately all creation and situations are for Your glory. How do I accuse Your perfect love of forsaking me in this place? You did not leave me when I looked aside, turned aside, turned my back, walked away, ran away. You were here! Hand in mine, even when the mittens were so thick I couldn't feel it, let alone anything else. Looking directly in my tear-filled eyes when I failed You most profoundly; You still had lover's eyes for me. You still saw Your little girl. I look back over every stumbling step I have taken over the years, which at the time I mistook for trips and falls, and I can now trace with clarity the complex dance You led me in. I was safe in Your arms through every twirl, lift and dip.

Who am I that You are mindful of me?
I praise You!
I praise You.

- September 27/2010

Accepted and Worthy Is Our New Name

So, today is the day. At exactly 1:41 AM, I will transform from being a boring, run of the mill, poop on a stick 22-year-old into a marvelous, fascinating, completely transformed 23-year-old! Brilliant! And the intermittent pictures? On the eve of such an occasion, I think it highly appropriate to document the many faces of Leanne in the face of facing said occasion.

I don't think I was a big fan of 22. Negative perspective (it's always best to start here and end on a sweet note):

• I was a heart and soul prisoner of the institution, of The Man.
• I had a lot of bad dreams, a lot of which came true.
• I made mistakes.
• I gained weight in bad places.
• I had the worst internship of my life and took the worst road possible to build character.
• I cried. A lot.

But the positive perspective! (it's always so comforting going through the negatives and almost always thinking of positives anyways):

• I had my incredible, life-changing roadtrip with God!
• I finally got to go on tour and see the whole amazing country! And who could forget the people?! Wow!
• I built a LOT of character!
• I made some new amazing friends!
• I overcame a lot of difficult things and came to a new level of understanding myself, others and God!
• I found a man who treats me right!
• I learned to laugh again with true appreciation of life!

So, in summation, it was a year, which I was apparently more pleased with than I first thought upon initial recall. Good thing I made lists. Tomorrow my family will celebrate 23 years of life since I landed, and Saturday my friends will celebrate surviving thus far and the potential for life yet to be lived. I don't know how else to say it, or if it will even get across what I want to say at all, but here goes: yesterday helped to shape me into who I am, and the day before that and the year before that; the good, the bad and the ugly. Yesterday does not hold me, however; I am no longer defined by who I was yesterday or any second preceding that. Christ in me is who I am now, and who I will grow into. He holds every one of my yesterdays and all my tomorrows. And today, this day that recognizes my birth, is nothing more than a tribute to one more year that He has plans for me. I hope to live this next year in such a way that brings more honor to Him than to myself.

I'll Drive All the Way to California

Millions of thoughts running through my head. Here's a brief summation:

• I want a new car. Desperately. I need to drive and drive and drive. When I leave driving too long, it drives me up the wall and I forget that I know how and I become paranoid and begin to doubt my skills. Which I obviously have. I don't just want to drive anywhere, I want to go somewhere hot and somewhat exotic and far away. It's becoming a need. I need a new car so I can do these things.
• I miss California. I did not want to go for reading break, but now I miss it. I drove down twice in '06, and once in '09 and '10 respectively. I miss it. I miss the smell and the ocean and the stretch of the I5 between kill-me-now-nowhere, California, and Los Angeles. I miss the winding highway between kill-me-now-hotness, Nevada, and TGI-In-n-Out-Burger in Redding. I miss shorts and a bikini at 90 mph.
• I am burning to do something significant with my life. For God. Now. Yet here I sit in school, unable to emerge until I have my degree, and I feel trapped. I want the knowledge, I love to learn; more than that, I want to make a dent. I have done too little for too long. I feel useless.
• Seven. Final offer.
• I would like to start doing one thrilling thing a week. If I do, life will have landmarks and I may just smile more. I love smiling, and I love being thrilled out of my mind. This is a must.
• I despise intensives and everything they stand for and pretend to accomplish. Especially week-long-ers. Especially weekend-ers. Especially ones with books and work and teachers and people.
• I love Hebrew. Love, love, love. Fluency will eventually become me nicely.
• I am torn about a huge issue in my life. If I continue in the way I am headed, potential disaster. If I quit now, will I ever let go and just do what I want? The big question: do I keep the 4" orange heels or return them and get something wonderful but not as exciting? I only have days left to decide. What do I do?!!?!
• My hair is getting longer. I miss my short hair suddenly (thus my completely unflattering but totally nostalgic fb profile picture), but if I cut it now I will hurt myself. Ugh. I just want it uber long or right back to short. NO! It will be long. The end.
• Waffles with strawberries would make my life right now.

Basically, I think too much. That is all

.

Do You Want to Run Away Together? (aka 2010 in Blog Titles)

I like a lot of things. Pandas. My deodorant collection. Applying make-up. Hard liquor. Roadtrips. Statistics. Today is about statistics. I could sit for hours and put together facts that A) no one cares about, B) someone else has already spent their life putting together but I want to do it myself, or C) I will not even care about by the time I finish. Tonight's endeavor is a combo of A and C, but I've wanted to do it forever!

I have come up with a compilation of what 2010 looked like in blog titles. Useless? Absolutely. Took over an hour? For sure. Made me feel like I accomplished something? Thank goodness. Seven hours of Community is not enough of an accomplishment for the day.

So, here are some of my findings, favourites and funnies. Of my 157 blogs in 2010:

• 45.8% were song lyrics, nearly half of which were Taylor Swift and Lifehouse.
• 10% were just Taylor Swift. Wow. It probably doesn't help that 90% of time spent blogging involves her singing to me.
• Only 34% are my own words.
• More than 10% are songs I would never admit to having heard, ever, in my lifetime.
• Four were countdowns to major events.
• One quoted a webcomic.
• There were appearances from such movies as Sweet Home Alabama, Moulin Rouge and My Best Friend's Wedding.
• Longest running series: Colour Series (see April 2010).
• Favourite series ever: The Drowning Series (see May 2010).
• Favourite original title: "Sit Down, Take a Load Off and Make a Sandwich with Me".
• Favourite heretical title: "Doom is Imminent" (complete, of course, with a picture of the four horsemen of the apocalypse to depict life in Toronto).

Did I happen to mention how much I love statistics?

Other things I love:

• Lists.
• Gifts. I somehow had this idea for the longest time that it was not ladylike, proper or Christian to like gifts, but I adore them. Seriously.
• Hugs. The really good kind.
• Taylor Swift, and how she understands me even when no one else does.
• Hello Kitty pajamas.
• Eye contact.
• Debating theology.
• Audrey Hepburn. I have been missing out on her too long.
• Sunrises, and everything that goes with them. This includes, but is not limited to: coffee, danishes, blankets, that perfect moment, a hand to hold...and potentially a "distraction" that makes me miss the sunrise entirely (because it is so elusive) but is worth it in every way.
• Infomercials.

I should not blog at 2am. Lesson learned.

All in All

Now, with 2.633 hours of perspective, I feel that I am better able to do 2010 justice. Yes, there was a lot of school. A lot. But there was also so much more.

Much of it is in the dark (which led to such a mundane list yesterday), but the things that shine through are worth noting.

I ate a lot of instant noodles, be it in the form of soup, KD, or chow mien.

I lived in another basement, with very different people from last time. It held some of the best times, but I wouldn't go back.

I went on two roadtrips. One ended prematurely in Jasper, leaving us stranded and cold and hungry and alive. The other brought me through five states and five thousand kilometers in three days, and left me crying and praying and breathing again.

I checked, there were two car accidents this year. January and November. After January and the two roadtrips this year and one last year, November finally did in Cameron. Poor Cameron.

I had my heart broken enough to need several transplant surgeries, and then I broke my own.

I had front row seats to the demise of my personal civilization; everything I worked for, gone.

I have had the most wonderful year of seeing the most wonderful man. Please don't read too much into that.

I watched six seasons of Gilmore Girls (fourth time through) in less than two months, and watched countless other series from my bed, the smoker's couch, my creaky chair and my good chair. Oh the days.

I went to Toronto and made it back alive, despite many desperate phone calls, skype dates and tearful outbursts, which, at the time, suggested I would not be so lucky.

I fell in love with God again. Even without feeling Him. Then I lost it again. I am going to get it back again.

Heh. Right. I also survived. It is 2011 and I am still here.

Who You Are is not Where You've Been

2010: A Summary

J - School...and moving away from school.

F - School?

M - School.

A - School, freedom!

M - Wedding!

J - Roadtrip

J - Toronto

A - Toronto, Home

S - School

O - School?

N - Reading break!

D - Christmas!

In short, it was...quite a year. This is positivity, even when it is difficult. For more info, please see blogs January 1 through December 30/2010.

Next year will be better.

I've Been Dying to Tell You Anything You Want to Hear

AHHH

I have a million billion trillion things to do, and that is just the homework. Forget about how I cannot go a day without Starbucks or all the random little things I have to do that I really should have done a long time ago or my devotions that I cannot skip because whenever I do I feel like crap and not just because I am obligated but because I miss Him or stupid stuff like laundry or all this stupid car stuff that I just cannot deal with right now or the crazy ridiculous number of appointments I have to go to and how they never seem to end or make anything better or gratis or doing things that actually make me feel good.

I'm in one of those moods again. It's the kind where I want to jump in my car (shut up) and drive along the coast until I get somewhere warm enough to wear a dress and take off my shoes to walk in the waves and eat away all my money and dye my hair blond and fall in love with some wonderful man who doesn't know who I have been and write music and write books and surf and maybe even get a tan. Right now.

But, I cannot.

Big sigh (it's been a big sigh week).

1. I have no car.

2. I have school.

3. I am in debt and therefore don't even have money to eat away.

4. Dresses can be overrated.

5. As if. You know.

6. I have no freaking car.

So. Where does that leave me? Well, lots of papers and assignments of exams. Drivingless, which is usually how I work out my issues. In a ridiculous-for-having-no-snow cold climate. Dressless. Manless. Here.

I guess I could still go blond, though.

The Roadtrip Saga: From Silence to Solace (Day 3)

My final morning of roadtripping found me too hot and too early. Knowing this part of the I-5 even with my eyes closed, I had plenty of time to think and really take stock of my current situation. Burnt out, exhausted and emotionally spent I had set out on my journey, yet now only two days later I could feel my spirit lifting. The pain and hurt and disappointment weren’t gone, but the aching emptiness was slowly being picked apart until it became ineffectual.

Nearly two years ago, the August before I began Bible college, I was in the best place I had ever been in spiritually. My faith was rock solid and I knew who I was in Christ. But it wasn’t enough; I had to go deeper. I told God both the scariest and most daring thing possible: I gave Him permission to turn my world upside down, to bring me to a place where He was central...even if it meant breaking me. And He did.

I have come to a place of near indifference. I know it all in my head, but my heart is cold. I take back what I said; He didn’t have to break me because I broke myself. And then life happened and more life and more than any life should ever see. And I have been left with a cold indifference that supposedly saves me from any more pain. But here I am. Core. There is nothing deeper. And I want Him. I want Him so bad somewhere deep down, but I am SO afraid that He’ll just continue to let me break.

And then.

For no reason at all I began singing “How He Loves Us.” I have sung that song possibly one hundred times, and suddenly I was crying uncontrollably and everything was rushing at me from a new perspective.

He is jealous for me!

afflictions eclipsed by Glory

just how beautiful You are! (california mountains at sunset kind of beautiful)

Your affection is for me

He is my prize (at the end of everything, He is what I get. amazing)

there is grace in His eyes, and it draws me to redemption

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets! (regretting takes precious time that I don’t have. seriously, Leanne, get it together!)

Life doesn’t make any more sense and I’m left with more questions than I started with, but I can take it smiling. Smiling! Brilliant.

And then I was almost taken out by a FedEx truck trying to avoid a swerving school bus.

And just outside Portland I saw my first B.C. plate since early day one, on an old blue Dodge truck. It feels like home.

Home felt like a good place to go. Talking to people...maybe not so bad.

I probably didn’t capture it very well, but this trip changed a lot of things for me. I may still be broken, like that piano. But God can still use me for beautiful music; He just needs to tune me. And I’m still in a pretty dark place, but God’s here in it. And the darkness is as light to Him.

The Roadtrip Sage: When Silence Speaks (Day 2)

Hello morning! Hello Idaho! The most beautiful State I have ever been to, its roads lined with purple heather and mountains and fields everywhere. It made me feel...home.

It’s a waterslides in the rain kinda day.

You know that feeling? It’s actually better because of the rain! ...Not that it was raining, but those few hours driving through Idaho farmland had the same kind of magic.

I Feel Inspired Here!

And I haven’t felt that way in a very long time.

I also got to use the netty this morning, now that I finally found a place that has it free. But what I realized as I checked Facebook messages and emails was that, ultimately, I didn’t really care about any of it. What I’m doing right now is just so much bigger for me in this stage of my life.

At around 10 A.M., I hit Twin Falls, Idaho, population 34,389. And I fell in love. It had small town charm but with sprawling farmlands laid out on every side. The church was perfect, and the cemetery looked just like one in a movie, what with the hundreds of upright headstones with trees draping over them. A quote above a store: “Hot heads and cold hearts never solved anything.” A white farmhouse with green shutters. Green hay that stretched to the mountains and the sky. My favourite feather trees.

I do not know how it happened, but I fell in love here.

I will come back one day.

Today was also the day of driving through the Nevada desert for seemingly endless hours. It was 36 degrees and impossibly hot. I passed the time by singing “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” and playing games against myself and, when all of that ran out, I began memorizing Romans. I started back in September but stopped after awhile. I was happy to find that I had retained most of it and went from there. I saw truths in it that I never had before, despite saying it aloud hundreds of times, and was blown away by the Majesty of God.

When I finally reached California, I was so grateful for trees and green and shade that I nearly got out and kissed the ground. Trying to put unwanted thoughts out of my head, I left my thoughts blank for a long time before I was completely caught off guard.

Coming over a ridge, I was suddenly on top of a mountain and the horizon as far as I could see was pale blue mountains with a burning sunset behind them. And it was at this time that Silence spoke. He could have said anything to me, but instead He said nothing...and I felt the weights I’d placed on myself being removed as I drove. It was, well, brilliant.

I reached Redding by 9 P.M. and finally reached the destination I had been striving for: In-n-Out Burger! Oh. My. Gosh. You take the first bite and are blown away. Yet somehow the second is even better. And with every bite, it only gets better and better! My only regret was that I didn’t have someone to exclaim to with each new bite. Afterwards, I headed to Wal-Mart and once again crawled into the staggering heat of my backseat and let my body rest after more than 12 hours of continuous driving.

The Roadtrip Saga: An Experience in Silence (Day 1)

On Tuesday, June 22^nd I embarked on a solo roadtrip through the land of America. Three days, five States, and four thousand kilometres of thoughts and journaling and just...being.

I have wanted to do something like this for years, head out on the open road with no need or reason to ever go back, but I have never needed it the way I needed to escape this time. Years of repressing my wants and smiling away my desires to pacify others’ finally broke me; my wants suddenly became needs and I had to escape. I had tons of ideas for where to go and what my trip would look like, but eventually I decided to go as basic as possible. Armed with a cooler, GPS named Jamie, and the bare essentials, I set out at 8 A.M. with Cameron’s bumper pointed South.

I’ve driven the I-5 dozens of times, but as soon as I was turned East, I could feel my entire body relax and my mind start to unwind. It’s been a tough year, and with each new situation things have only become tougher. My life and all its happenings have compounded into a mass that just weighs on my shoulders. Lately, new hurts have only made me harder and harder, and I had finally hardened myself against hurt to the point where I was shutting everyone out, including God.

Yet, suddenly, I found myself in the middle of Him. Within the space of about two hours I drove through forest, amazing mountains, rolling desert and wine country. With no radio and nothing to distract myself with other than my own thoughts, I couldn’t fight Him off for long. I couldn’t help exclaiming at His works and the beauty He had brought about out of nothing. Incredible.

Being completely in love with God, needing to share Him, being passionate for Him in all situations...that’s what it’s all about. It comes out as “exclamations of the soul.”

I still didn’t really talk to God about anything, just marvelled at His creations and did a lot of thinking. A big part of my frustration lately is that I can barely recollect most of what has happened in the last year or so, and so I decided to make sure I do not repeat history by making a list of must-dos for the year to come.

10 things I have to make happen before my next birthday.

1. Learn how to make fried chicken.
2. Finish writing a novel (I always start and get sick of it and quit. No matter how bad it is, I just need to finish it!).
3. Read the first quarter of my book list (I recently made a list of 100 books I have to read before any others, besides school ones of course).
4. Visit at least 10 States / Provinces I’ve never been to before.
5. Plant and grow spices at home.
6. Learn to knit with Grandma.
7. Give blood and sign up as an organ donor.
8. Swim in a lake, an ocean, and a river.
9. Memorize the book of Romans completely.
10. Watch all the movies I own.

As I was writing, however, I kept coming up with things that I absolutely could not let myself do, and so I decided to make a list of those as well. Oh, and yes I was driving and writing at the same time.

10 things I won’t do!

1. Get pregnant from a sperm donor (I know this sounds ridiculous and obvious, but it has been suggested to me several times by several different people. I will not give in to the peer pressure!).
2. Gain more than 10 pounds (I’m currently trying to gain weight, but I also don’t want to over-do it).
3. Bungee jump until my back is actually better.
4. Get my Class 1 License (it’s for driving semis), no matter how much I want it.
5. Settle.
6. Move back in with my parents.
7. Make excuses for not taking a Sabbath.
8. Slack on my homework. I want to learn this year!
9. Begrudge happy couples.
10. Complain that I’m single (hold me to it!); God has a plan and I’ve decided to trust.

As I drove, I passed a sign that said: “45^th Parallel: half way between the Equator and the North Pole.” Brilliant! And then another sign announcing that I was only 27 miles outside of Bliss.

I am currently 27 miles from Bliss.

And it gave me hope. Bliss is out there, even if it’s still too far to see.

I was also thinking a lot about relationships, and something someone told me awhile ago: that any two Christians could get married and make it work.

As Christians we can make it work with anyone, but I don’t think we should have to. We work at it, but it’s God who makes it work. We need to consider our passions, gifts, desires and callings...not just if we have similar taste in music and ethnic food and competitive beach volleyball.

After fifteen and a half hours, I reached my destination: Blackfoot, Idaho. I got comfy on my backseat in the Wal-Mart parking lot and had one of the best sleeps ever (that was not in my own bed). Brilliant!

Dangit! I Wanted to Post One More Blog in May!

On Sunday I will leave on a roadtrip. To clear my head. To be alone. To just...drive.

At first I had my plans all figured out. Option A: Drive down to 6 flags, continue on to Vegas, go to Albuquerque just to go, and come back through Boise. It will take 5 days. Option B: Go with my mother to Whistler and stay in a condo and just relax; alone or together, I will still get to be away.

I need to get out of here.

I need to escape the expectations and the problems and the phone calls and the text messages and the concern and the lack of it and the hopelessness.

I need to drive and drive and drive until I feel human again.

I Can Tell You My Love for You will Still Be Strong

It may still be February, and I may live in Canada, but my heart is already in the summer.

The weather has been GORGEOUS lately, and I've taken full advantage. Yesterday Mel got home and I was laying around the house in short shorts and a tank top. Bliss.

As much as I have a special affinity for all the seasons on some level, summer has always stirred my soul in a way that nothing else can. It is then that I have always had the biggest changes of mind, action, and heart. It is also when I experience the greatest presence of magic; nothing says magic like 10pm sunsets and beach bonfires and roadtrips and laying on a blanket beneath the stars.

So if you see me wearing a skirt and flip-flops, or trying desperately to get my hair in a ponytail, you'll know why. I miss the magic.


SUMMER
Originally posted: February 3, 2006

Summer nights fade to black and our laughter floats away with the heat.
We begin to forget the way things were, and people drift apart.
Only memories remain, sweet glimpses of a world where souls were passed around and the nights never ended.
It was only as the sun rose that we began to doubt our indiscretions,
afraid to meet the new person in the mirror.
In the dead of night, it never seemed wrong to clasp somebody's hand;
lucky for me, I had one to hold the whole way through.
But that has now all fallen away, yet we still live on,
waiting until another summer comes to carry us away.

Pining Suits Me About as Well as Oaking, Hemlocking or Aldering

Ah, Gilmore Girls, and everything you always teach me. Just when I think I can handle the world on my own, you step in and save the day. Just when I begin to imagine that I am encountering a situation you have not, you prove me wrong yet again. And just when I believe I am all alone and no one understands, you come through for me.

Since approximately 25 days ago, my mom and I have devoured three seasons. Tonight was the finale, and anyone who knows anything knows what the season three finale means. It's what we all knew would happen, deep down, but we always wished we could keep at bay. Even now, on my third time through, I still hope that my fruitless yearning for things to remain the same will prevail. But of course, every time, I am hopelessly disappointed...even though I knew it was coming all along.

Last night I dreamt about packing up at school and leaving...again. I woke up sad and nostalgic and feeling like I'll never quite be able to let go of this year, despite my most ardent efforts. I'm trying, I promise. Every morning I remind myself that there is no going back and that dwelling in the past will only hurt me more in the long run and waste this summer. So what in the world am I doing blogging about things I can't change?

Well, here's the thing. I'm hopelessly addicted to pining (pining, as in holding onto the past, not pinning...being addicted to safety-pinning things together would only lead to people further questioning my sanity). I love to waste away the days remembering, but it only damages my heart. That's why I never scrapbook; I mean well and I try, but I always get caught up and need to stop.

Rory said it best: "I'm not going to pine over you. You didn't think I would, did you? Because I'm not. I'm moving on and that's it." She is a lot braver than I am. but I'm going to steal a little bit of that courage and stifle how difficult this is.

I am not pining over you. Any of you. Not over this year, not over friendships or relationships or roadtrips or timmies trips or anything else. I loved it, I'll always miss it, but that is where it stops. I'm so sick of being heartsick and it stops here.

That felt really good to say.