I've Been Dying to Tell You Anything You Want to Hear

AHHH

I have a million billion trillion things to do, and that is just the homework. Forget about how I cannot go a day without Starbucks or all the random little things I have to do that I really should have done a long time ago or my devotions that I cannot skip because whenever I do I feel like crap and not just because I am obligated but because I miss Him or stupid stuff like laundry or all this stupid car stuff that I just cannot deal with right now or the crazy ridiculous number of appointments I have to go to and how they never seem to end or make anything better or gratis or doing things that actually make me feel good.

I'm in one of those moods again. It's the kind where I want to jump in my car (shut up) and drive along the coast until I get somewhere warm enough to wear a dress and take off my shoes to walk in the waves and eat away all my money and dye my hair blond and fall in love with some wonderful man who doesn't know who I have been and write music and write books and surf and maybe even get a tan. Right now.

But, I cannot.

Big sigh (it's been a big sigh week).

1. I have no car.

2. I have school.

3. I am in debt and therefore don't even have money to eat away.

4. Dresses can be overrated.

5. As if. You know.

6. I have no freaking car.

So. Where does that leave me? Well, lots of papers and assignments of exams. Drivingless, which is usually how I work out my issues. In a ridiculous-for-having-no-snow cold climate. Dressless. Manless. Here.

I guess I could still go blond, though.

Break It Down

Every part of me feels on the edge of a breakdown.

No one knows yet, but our church is done. Decided tonight. This will be our last Sunday.

Nothing has sunk in yet, but on some level I must know. I came home and did two weeks worth of dishes and made Chinese food. I don't want to sleep because I know I won't want to get out of bed for days. I don't know who to be.

I have done ministry with 90% of my waking time and thought and energy and passion for the last three and a half years. Everything I do has always been weighed against how it will affect the church, and when I mess up my first thought is always how it would affect my youth if they found out. I don't have that anymore.

I'm in shock, probably on the road to a breakdown. I think I'll go and get away for awhile...next Sunday I'll leave and I won't come back until I have to. I don't know where/who/why to be.

I'm Sorry, Leanne, but You've been Killed by the Mafia. Accusations? No? Townspeople Go to Sleep

I have never spent so much time not sleeping when my body is clearly collapsing from exhaustion. I have apparently sprained the joint that allows my ribs to expand so that I can breathe. The result? A 3am hospital visit, lots of lost sleep, and unimaginable pain.

I'm not complaining or seeking pity, I'm just venting. I feel like I am completely out of control. It's just one thing after another that only seem to set me back. I have no motivation; even if I did I don't think I would physically be able to do anything anyway. You'd be surprised how much not being able to breathe affects things.

I've spent the majority of the last three days on some couch or another, on one painkiller or another. I desperately need to be delivered from this. My schoolwork is suffering, my body is hurting because eating only makes it worse, and this is adding more stress to areas I'm already struggling with.

God, I don't know where to go from here. I want to live every day to its fullest potential and really serve You, but I feel incapable and useless. Please help me to realize that you ask for my love above all else, not works to earn Yours. I really need Your comfort right now.