Why'd You have to Go and Make Things So Complicated?

One of my favourite times of year is the last two weeks of August. The sun's still hot but I can feel fall creeping in. The call of school is imminent, but the ache of summer just stretches on and on. And I get to work at the PNE. I make crepes anywhere from nine to twelve hours a day for as many days as my body can take and save up some last minute money for car / school / stuff I can't avoid. It takes a toll on me physically, but emotionally it's calming; I get in my zone and things fall into place.

My universe just shifted again. I am trying desperately to find a center of gravity, something sane to hold on to, but I am coming up empty-handed.I know that God is showing me something through this whole process, but I don't think I've fully taken in what it is yet.

When the PNE ends and normal life has to begin again, I don't know what I will have left.

I feel homesick. For what? Couldn't tell you.

It Went So Fast, and Now...

I don't have time for this right now, but if I don't make time for it then it will never happen. This is my first blog of December. I didn't know what to write until now. Now is as good a time as any.

I'm moving off dorms today. Most people have already been gone a week. I said it's because I'm working near here and there's still so much to do, but truth be told... when I leave, it's for good and I'm scared. This has been my home for almost a year and a half, and every step I take is a reminder of times gone by. Maybe this will be good for me, to finally shake the ghosts of this decrepit building and move on with my life. I feel like it will be a good in between, the basement suite; close enough to be able to walk here any time I want, far enough that I can ignore this place whenever I want.

This was not a good semester for me. It could have never happened, and I don't know if I would have noticed. I wrecked a lot of things, hurt myself and hurt others. I gained a lot of close friendships, and that in itself is worth it, but I wish there had been more. I'm walking away with a sense of dissatisfaction instead of accomplishment. I wish I could go back to September 8th and restart all over again. Maybe then I wouldn't have to face this person every morning.

There have been underlying things going on that I'm not going to go into detail about. As far as I can tell, everyone has underlying crap and if they don't ask about mine, it's not that they don't know it's there...they just don't want to know. Sometimes I guess it's easier to believe the worst about people instead of taking the time to find out the "why"s.

Stripping this room is going to feel so good. Knowing I never again have to take a shower in one of these can't-maneuver, no-pressure, burning-hot-to-freezing-cold-without-warning excuse for a shower, well, it's a beautiful thing. These mattresses are out of my life for good. I get a full closet to myself. There will be privacy when I want it. No curfew. What I want to eat, whenever I want it. TV all the time.

And yet. I'll never again call this place home. No room to run up to quickly for a sweater or my homework or nail polish to help boys with their guitar playing. No aframe downstairs where I know that no matter what's happening up here, down there will be good times. And as much as I hate the meals, I love the community feel of it. Truth be told, I'm really going to miss this place.

I have some incredible memories here. Maybe leaving will make them that much sweeter. That's all I can really hope for.

The Sickness is Catching, is Spreading, is Spreading...

Oh my devious. The semester is over. Last night was the banquet, today is the ceremony, and then most people are gone. And chances are half of them won't bother to say good-bye and will just disappear. Standing in the middle of the crowded gymnasium last night, I knew that half the people I was looking at I may never see again in my entire life.

Steph told me she's leaving tonight. Thailand people are leaving Wednesday. I feel homesick, and I can't explain why.

Right now, I'm taking down all the posters from the walls, starting to pack up my books and organize all my paperwork from this year. It's going to be a lot to go through. And the whole time, there is no feeling of liberation. Almost everyone else is going home to their families, their friends, or off with a group of people from school to tour Canada or to minister in a foreign country...and then there's me. I'm from here. I've still been in contact with all the people I'll ever be in contact with, yet I feel like I missed out on the best of both my worlds, school and "home", because I was always trying to find the balance. And now, with everyone leaving, I'm left here with the pieces of a school year that transformed my life, but may end up leaving me more broken than when I came.

I learned a lot from the people here, from the classes and the experiences. I wouldn't trade it away, but it's scary to know that in a few days I won't live here anymore. Once again, the sickness.

Friday was Surprise Date Day. Ryan took me to Stanley Park, and we went to the Aquarium! I tried to explain but I don't think he understood how much I've always wanted to go there, especially on a date, and he did it without even knowing. That means the WORLD to me. Then we hung out in Stanley Park and went for dinner at the Teahouse. It was so beautiful, and the perfect way to end the day. And in three days, he's gone. We'll have to fight the epic battle of the long-distance relationship, which few survive. Sickness.

There are people who are not getting back, and now that I realize how short time really is and that the year is actually ending, I wish I had got to know them better. There are people who I will miss in huge amounts, and I don't know if I can ever tell them what an impact they've made on my life. I am not the same because of who they are and what they've spoken into my life. But if I told them, that would be sappy and I'm sure they have none of the same feelings. That's okay, though, I guess...it has to be. Waves and waves of homesickness.

Today in church, the pastor used an analogy that is hauntingly reminiscent of my last blog. Waves, the unstoppable tide, how it's not about trying to control it but being in it and how we react to it. So this new change of tides can either be viewed as something new to jump into, or I can spend my time being frustrated that I'm getting wet all the time.

Bittersweet homesickness. How do I cure thee?