Just a Teensy One

Just thought I'd drop in for a teensy update:

• I'm officially done working at the church, tomorrow I'm done with crepes, and Tuesday I start my new job! Somehow God always provides; it's the most amazing thing!
• 3 months, 6 days, and counting.
• My last year of school officially begins next Tuesday. Time flies like I can't even explain.
• I'm currently reading Lamentations and loving it. The more I read, the more it means, and the more it means, the more my life changes. Brilliant!
• I'm so scared of so many things right now, but I can honestly say I have overcome my worst fear. I am no longer afraid of being alone.

The last one is the most significant. Where once I would have done anything to avoid being alone, I now know the only One who can forever hold me requires nothing to put myself in His arms. I am not alone and I never will be again. No matter what trials may come or who may ditch out of my life or die or simply move on, I am still not alone. I am never alone.

Time, Silent, Heals Nothing; Time in Silence Heals Everything

There is nothing I love more lately than silence. It's not that music and people talking and noise in general is bad, per se, but absolute silence is somehow more enjoyable. Sitting with a breeze and no thoughts in my head is refreshing.

I don't want this all the time, but right now, for this week, it satisfies me. All I've done for far too long is think and think about everything until I go crazy. It's easier to simplify.

I've been realizing a lot about myself in the silence, especially about my relationship with God. It's been so cool to finally see Him coming into proper perspective. I always thought that the more people I brought into my life, the less space I would have for Him. Or maybe I only thought that because I always allowed it to be so. Seeing it now, though, I realize that He always maintains the same amount of space in my heart; He just allows me to expand and include others in it as well. Having a boyfriend or lots of close friends doesn't mean they take up empty space so that I don't feel alone; they build their own addition into the outer walls of a full space. Christ still consumes my whole heart. He is the only one I burn for. And one day, when I do get married, the three of us will enter a relationship together like no other. But without that, I am still satisfied because my heart is full.

Time in silence heals everything.

It Went So Fast, and Now...

I don't have time for this right now, but if I don't make time for it then it will never happen. This is my first blog of December. I didn't know what to write until now. Now is as good a time as any.

I'm moving off dorms today. Most people have already been gone a week. I said it's because I'm working near here and there's still so much to do, but truth be told... when I leave, it's for good and I'm scared. This has been my home for almost a year and a half, and every step I take is a reminder of times gone by. Maybe this will be good for me, to finally shake the ghosts of this decrepit building and move on with my life. I feel like it will be a good in between, the basement suite; close enough to be able to walk here any time I want, far enough that I can ignore this place whenever I want.

This was not a good semester for me. It could have never happened, and I don't know if I would have noticed. I wrecked a lot of things, hurt myself and hurt others. I gained a lot of close friendships, and that in itself is worth it, but I wish there had been more. I'm walking away with a sense of dissatisfaction instead of accomplishment. I wish I could go back to September 8th and restart all over again. Maybe then I wouldn't have to face this person every morning.

There have been underlying things going on that I'm not going to go into detail about. As far as I can tell, everyone has underlying crap and if they don't ask about mine, it's not that they don't know it's there...they just don't want to know. Sometimes I guess it's easier to believe the worst about people instead of taking the time to find out the "why"s.

Stripping this room is going to feel so good. Knowing I never again have to take a shower in one of these can't-maneuver, no-pressure, burning-hot-to-freezing-cold-without-warning excuse for a shower, well, it's a beautiful thing. These mattresses are out of my life for good. I get a full closet to myself. There will be privacy when I want it. No curfew. What I want to eat, whenever I want it. TV all the time.

And yet. I'll never again call this place home. No room to run up to quickly for a sweater or my homework or nail polish to help boys with their guitar playing. No aframe downstairs where I know that no matter what's happening up here, down there will be good times. And as much as I hate the meals, I love the community feel of it. Truth be told, I'm really going to miss this place.

I have some incredible memories here. Maybe leaving will make them that much sweeter. That's all I can really hope for.

We Could All Use a Little

Let's be honest for a moment. Let's take a good long look at "stuff," and be truthful in the face of a loss of depth perception. I think we could all use a little honesty.

I have run out of words: to describe how I feel, to put into the world something beautiful instead of always taking, to feel that I am doing something that matters. Everything used to be about words for me. How could I say something just right, so that no one would ever doubt me again? Is it possible to be right all the time? Obviously. But then I'd never have the satisfaction of being right, because I wouldn't know what it is to err.

I've run out of love. Wherever it was that used to produce x amount for me daily, weekly, monthly; for Him, for him, for her, for them, for me...that spot has run dry. And I don't know how to fill it back up again.

I'm completely out of ideas on how to be who I want to be again. Just when I thought it was all back together, it's not.

Honestly? Aloneness is a disease. It's a sickness that wakes me in the middle of the night, plagues my thoughts and corrupts my attitude. I don't want to be alone, live alone, die alone.

So here I sit. 20.6 years old, and I'm already scared to die alone. I FEEL LIKE I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME! The worst part? I don't know what I'm rushing to. I don't know what I'm running from. I am just a scared kid, and I can't break out of this rut!!!!


When we get down to it, we could all use a little bit of something. For me, it's honestly. I'm sure everyone has their own thing. But right now, honestly, it's honesty.

Where did it all go wrong?
I do not know.