T Minus Nine Days, One Hour and Eleven Minutes

A wise young person told me the other day that turning 19 is exciting because of the drinking, 20 because of finally out-living the teens (that's where he's at in three days), and 21 because of the legal drinking and gambling in the States. And then there's me.

In nine days, I will officially be old. Don't ask me what that means for everyone already beyond me because you probably don't want to know what I think.

It's not so much that 22 is old. It's not. At all. It's more that I haven't done anything I wanted to have done by now.

I was supposed to be married at 20, have my first child at 21, and have graduated University with an accredited degree by 22. At the rate I'm going, I won't have any of those until I'm at least 25. All of them? 26 is the earliest.

I'd like to think that I'll be the type to age gracefully...but who am I kidding?! I'm terrified of almost entering my mid-twenties.

I'm in Whistler taking a much needed vacation right now. I haven't gotten away for me time in a very very very long time...and I can't even enjoy it.

I'm broken.

Okay, so maybe 22 isn't even that bad.

Maybe 22 is actually really good.

Aaaaand considering I look like I'm 15, I won't actually look like I'm 22 until I'm in my thirties.

Score.

But.

One day I will wake up, and I will be 32. I won't take 32 as well as 22.

The less credence I give to 22, the easier the bigger numbers will be able to catch me without my noticing.

I think I'm going to need a vacation to recover from this one.

Take a Deep Breath

It's 2010.

I don't really know what to make of that. Usually I do this on New Years' Eve, but there was no time. I like to reminisce; I like to think of all that I accomplished, all I am so glad I took a chance on, and all that I never want to repeat again.

I went to a party tonight that I didn't want to go to. I had a couple options, but I eventually chose this one because some of my closest friends would be there. Generally I don't really feel like I fit in with that group of people, but I decided to give it one last go. I wore my new green sweater (I had good feelings that good things were destined to happen in that sweater) and I went in just being myself. I wasn't trying to be who I thought I had to be to please them, I just went and...was. And I had the greatest New Years I can remember. It kind of makes me wish I had a lucky sweater for every day of the week.

I made a lot of mistakes this past year that have hurt a lot of people. But mostly I've just hurt me. I want to be different! I don't want to be this person I detest anymore. But words are easier than actions; ideals are simpler than bringing them to fruition. I don't know how to be better. I'm at the point where there's an impossible horizon somewhere in the distance, also called who and where I would like to be, but the mist is obscuring my vision. I'm stuck where I am.

This year was also full of so many beautiful things. And even now that they no longer are, I cannot bring myself to regret them. I want to give myself fully over to God's will; I think that those beautiful moments might stop being so rare. I miss Him. We were so tight, so in sync, and I let that go. I pushed, ran, hid, ignored, and lied to myself. I don't even remember the last time I opened my Bible. This is not who I want to be! This is not where I want to be! But the mist. It never ends.

It's 3 in the AM and a brand new year. I remember when I first heard that the Olympics would be in Vancouver in 2010. I was 15 and it seemed impossibly far off; an awesome picture of the future, but another thing that just never seemed like I would get to. Yet here I am. And I don't think I'm anything like who I thought I would be six years ago. That girl, at 15, expected great things out of me. I'm sure the last thing she would have ever imagined was a broke Bible college student with no solid plans for the future, still unmarried and taking a half break from the things I'm actually passionate about. She would have laughed. I'm not laughing. It's not that I mind being broke, because it's an awesome opportunity to trust God to carry me through; now that I'm here, Bible college isn't as bad as I imagined; and, I'm okay being single right now, because I definitely need a break. I just...I think I thought there would be more by now.

This next year holds a lot of promise. Most of it is up in the air, but I can't help but feel that this year is going to be good. Like with my sweater, I just have a feeling that good things will happen in it. This sudden optimism is puzzling and unfamiliar to the extreme. It feels so good.

I know that every day is a new day and a new chance to change things, but a new year just seems so much more...more opportunity I guess. I can look back over the year, sum it up, and work towards changing those things. I don't want to waste it.

Take a deep breath, Leanne. This is another chance to start over; this is the year you could finally be who you've always wanted to be.

Meet You There Someday

I was reading through my old blogs from another site last night, from when I was 15 through 18, and it amazes me. Even then, in the heart of my rebellion, God loved me and was shaping me for His purposes. If all my dreams back then had come true, my life would look very different. He has been so faithful even in my pitiful mediocrity. I think that for the next little while I'm going to end each blog with an excerpt from back then, just for kicks.

My life is going down a very different road than I imagined. Sometimes the life I planned for feels so close I can taste it, but I know it's just a fantasy. I listen to this song and feel both more alive, more hopeful and more nostalgic than at any other time. The only thing that comes close is when I walk through the empty campus in the early morning, looking out over the misty beauty of the fresh sunlight and I feel so close to what once was. It's magical.

I'm on the road set out for me, and I don't know where it will lead. Sometimes i hear the faint whispers calling out after me: "When the world is right, I'll drive all night, meet you there someday..." and I have to take a deep breath and let go all over again of what might have been but never can be.



AUTUMN
Originally posted: October 3, 2006

when I think of fall, I think of you
crunching leaves, holding mittened hands
falling in love and falling apart
dying to you was like dying to summer:
swift, chilling, and perfect in its emptiness.

Phoenix Day 9

Right now I'm sitting in the Phoenix airport, waiting to take off. Less than an hour to go.

I can't wait to be home! I've missed the snow and the cold and the rain, and the fam and my cats and Youth Church, and school and all the people that come with. People down here don't believe me, and I'm sure a lot at home won't agree either, but blue sky from horizon to horizon for days on end is depressing! Something is missing when I wake up in the morning and already know exactly what will greet me out the front door.

It rains in Phoenix approximately two days out of the year; it rained yesterday. All the locals are walking around with giant coats on, gloves, earmuffs!, and everything else we would normally use for a below zero day. It was still fifteen degrees outside. I didn't realize until then exactly how much I missed the rain.

Last night I went to a service at the Phoenix Dream Center, It was amazing! Not the speaking or the singing or the sheer size of the building, but the people. There was an entire section of people brought in from a nearby penitentiary, all dressed in the same bright red shirts, and they were jumping and singing bigger and louder than anyone else in the building. Ages ranged from young teenagers to people in their seventies. I couldn't believe all the different people that were brought together through all the different ministries the Dream Center provided. Incredible.

On my trip I bought: a dress, a skirt, two shirts, sunglasses, shoes, plus some random stuff. And guess how much it cost me? ...$20!! Only $20 on my whole trip. Amazing. I love America (but not really, just their prices/stores; yay Forever21!).

So probably going to be boarding in the next fifteen minutes, and I've never been so excited to go home. Yes, this was a growing process. I learned a heck of a lot! I just reached the point where one more second and I would have exploded.

Off I head, back to the country where I'm of age for anything I could possibly want to do (whether I actually would or not), weather is normal and I can actually relax. Ohhh baby, I'm comin' home!