Take a Deep Breath

It's 2010.

I don't really know what to make of that. Usually I do this on New Years' Eve, but there was no time. I like to reminisce; I like to think of all that I accomplished, all I am so glad I took a chance on, and all that I never want to repeat again.

I went to a party tonight that I didn't want to go to. I had a couple options, but I eventually chose this one because some of my closest friends would be there. Generally I don't really feel like I fit in with that group of people, but I decided to give it one last go. I wore my new green sweater (I had good feelings that good things were destined to happen in that sweater) and I went in just being myself. I wasn't trying to be who I thought I had to be to please them, I just went and...was. And I had the greatest New Years I can remember. It kind of makes me wish I had a lucky sweater for every day of the week.

I made a lot of mistakes this past year that have hurt a lot of people. But mostly I've just hurt me. I want to be different! I don't want to be this person I detest anymore. But words are easier than actions; ideals are simpler than bringing them to fruition. I don't know how to be better. I'm at the point where there's an impossible horizon somewhere in the distance, also called who and where I would like to be, but the mist is obscuring my vision. I'm stuck where I am.

This year was also full of so many beautiful things. And even now that they no longer are, I cannot bring myself to regret them. I want to give myself fully over to God's will; I think that those beautiful moments might stop being so rare. I miss Him. We were so tight, so in sync, and I let that go. I pushed, ran, hid, ignored, and lied to myself. I don't even remember the last time I opened my Bible. This is not who I want to be! This is not where I want to be! But the mist. It never ends.

It's 3 in the AM and a brand new year. I remember when I first heard that the Olympics would be in Vancouver in 2010. I was 15 and it seemed impossibly far off; an awesome picture of the future, but another thing that just never seemed like I would get to. Yet here I am. And I don't think I'm anything like who I thought I would be six years ago. That girl, at 15, expected great things out of me. I'm sure the last thing she would have ever imagined was a broke Bible college student with no solid plans for the future, still unmarried and taking a half break from the things I'm actually passionate about. She would have laughed. I'm not laughing. It's not that I mind being broke, because it's an awesome opportunity to trust God to carry me through; now that I'm here, Bible college isn't as bad as I imagined; and, I'm okay being single right now, because I definitely need a break. I just...I think I thought there would be more by now.

This next year holds a lot of promise. Most of it is up in the air, but I can't help but feel that this year is going to be good. Like with my sweater, I just have a feeling that good things will happen in it. This sudden optimism is puzzling and unfamiliar to the extreme. It feels so good.

I know that every day is a new day and a new chance to change things, but a new year just seems so much more...more opportunity I guess. I can look back over the year, sum it up, and work towards changing those things. I don't want to waste it.

Take a deep breath, Leanne. This is another chance to start over; this is the year you could finally be who you've always wanted to be.