Given a Chance, I'm Gonna Be Somebody

It’s too late to not be in bed, but I’m too inspired to turn my brain off. Inspired by what? Me. The Leanne of this time last year. She was so down to earth, sure but with room to grow, and vivacious. I’d love to be her.

Question of the night. If I really, truly, once and for all let go of a “truth” I’ve held on to for over three years, will I always regret not sticking it out to find out if it’s really true or not? I know that I have gotten pretty good at pushing down feelings and emotions until they’re crushed into oblivion, but is this the same? Maybe this is the one I’d never get over.

I read back, and even then I was starting to ask the questions that plague me every day. What if I just left? Disappeared? Gave my life over to the things that would make it easier to make it through each day? Found a way to be satisfied with less than I know I deserve? Lived a life that seemed perfect on the outside, all the while convincing myself it’s for the best until one day I believe there is nothing more to live for?

I am scared. Worried. Frightened. Terrified that I am going to give in. Heroes are those who don’t give in to the easy way out when they have the chance. I want to be that. But my back is up against the wall and I’m expected to scale it, even with my muscleless arms and no rope or any way over or around or under. I’m cornered and my only choice is surrender. So who will I surrender to in the end? Jesus, who would have me die daily for Him? Or this easier, less challenging Nothingness that would also have me die for it?

Either way, it looks like I’m not coming out of this alive.