My Skin Is the Smoothest It has Been in Years

I haven't blogged in really big letters in a really long time.

Tonight was a miracle. I wrote a majorish paper (not including research time) in less than 2 hours! I feel as though the old Leanne is re-surfacing. How to explain? I remember what I wrote; this time last year, I probably wouldn't even know the topic of the paper I just finished.

Today was a miracle. I did not once give in to my old habits of procrastinating by watching movies, talking to people who I have no business talking to in that moment, or doing anything I would normally never do just to avoid what I absolutely need to do (cleaning, laundry, painting my toenails, painting a house, driving to London Drugs to get batteries for a mouse I never use anyway). And, most bizarre of all, I was in the library for three hours straight...not doing gratis.

And it only gets crazier. I have been doing homework non-stop the last few days, and I am not stressed. I feel the need to hurry a little bit, but I'm not sweating the small stuff. Oooooor the big stuff.

I desperately want this to last. On my own, never. If I give it to God, absolutely. Dude, I love Him.

If Ever, Now Is the Time

1. Revelation of the week: Jesus saved me. I called, He answered, He rescued me. And long before I called, He called me out of the dirty cesspools of the earth to be perfect in His sight. That mistake I made five years ago? He saved me from the need for it before I made the decision to ruin a piece of my life forever, and then saved me from the guilt and shame afterwards. He did the same with every mistake since, and will continue to do the same for every poor choice I will ever make for the rest of my life. If I come up against a situation tomorrow, it amazes me that I can take a step back, assess, and realize that I am not a slave to those wants or selfish desires because He already saved me from them. I get this picture of me laying in this puddle of mud, looking longingly into the muck around me as if it is both everything I want and everything I hate within myself, and He is standing over me just holding out His hand and waiting to lift me out. I am not in too deep. I never have been. Before the creation of the universe, He had already predetermined to save me from the temptation to sin that I will face tomorrow, and hopefully by His grace I will succeed in holding on to this knowledge.
2. More than a month into the school year now, I am trying to re-evaluate how successful I have been in attaining the goals I set out to accomplish. Honestly, I feel like a failure. I haven't done anything wrong, but I still feel as though the weight of expectation is crushing me and I cannot just be myself. I can no longer just be. I either sit very close to the line because otherwise I would need to be a hermit, or I plant myself far away from the line and get burned by those who are supposed to be my allies. Sometimes I still ask myself why I haven't given up yet. I am appreciating this time of reflection and being free from certain tendencies that only lead to self-destruction, but I am beginning to feel smothered. I am either doing what is technically right but still feeling guilt (and I cannot tell if it is false guilt or the good kind designed to lead me to repentance) or doing what the letter says is right and feeling alone. I know I can press through if I just try hard enough, but at what point does sheer will fail me and leave me a heap of regret on the floor?
3. This weekend is a four day holiday for me (Thanksgiving on Monday and no class Tuesday), so I am using it to catch up on all my schoolwork and prepare for the coming week. I just need to press on, get down to the nitty-gritty, and realize that procrastination will only hurt me in the long run.
4. I don't have time, and it's not on my list of 100 books to read because I already have, but I am going to start reading Gone with the Wind again. I will not become her. I will not make her mistakes.
5. It is raining hard outside, the wind is blowing up a gale, and it is surprisingly warm for the middle of the night. All this to say, it is again the middle of the night. Old habits die hard. It looks like this may be another semester that is consistently visited by the A.M. fairy. What I wouldn't give to feel most invigorated and alive at 3 in the P.M. instead of the A.M.

I'm hopelessly lost without You.

Three Down, Three to Go

This week has been...

This week has been unimaginably difficult.

I handle stress well; in fact, I usually thrive on it. I procrastinate in order to write better papers, I always ask myself what the worst possible outcome could be and dwell on it so that no matter what happens I won't be shocked, and I purposely allot less shower time than I need so that I won't take my time. Maybe I should rephrase: I handle healthy stress well.

This week the teams from the States came. We had people in from Iowa, Michigan, Illinois, Massachusetts and Wisconsin. Four days before they arrived, I was informed that the leader of one team had backed out and I was the new It person. It wasn't a big deal...it only meant living with my team in a very old, very hot and (until we interns cleaned it) very dirty church in the middle of a very seedy part of town, and planning and then vision-casting my ideas to my team on how we would run a children's night, a youth night, and a performing arts night in a church I had never been in before. And I had four days to make it happen.

I was incredibly blessed in that Mark was also running his own team, so we were able to work together and alleviate some of the stress. I was also blessed to find that I was given an amazing group of young women from Iowa to work with, as well as one of the girl's dads, Tom. Our nights were stretching and, in some cases, beyond the stress level they should have been, but overall we had amazing ministry events. On our last night of three we had the Louder than Words performing arts team come and dance, sing and share testimonies with us. What a blessing! I was also able to share a bit of my testimony and speak a salvation message; it wasn't a salvation message in the traditional sense, as everyone there was from the teams or the church, but rather a message on the continuing works and joys and hardships of salvation. I've begun to realize that it is these times spent on stage sharing and teaching and preaching that I feel the most alive.

That night and the following day, I was also able to just chill with a friend from Bible college. He was such a huge encouragement and he made me long for school like I haven't in a long time. I also had the opportunity to have a final hangout with another intern before she left for home.

Then on the Saturday we had our big event of the summer, the Youth Explosion. All the youth from the GTA Foursquare churches came together, and it was an amazing time of worship, fellowship and sharing. We were honoured to have as our guest speaker and worship leader Garry Keane. He's a good man with a good heart, and it was a pleasure getting to know him. Overall the night was a huge success (and Mark and I have chosen to focus on the success story above anything else haha).

Ah, and then the kicker to a crazy week. On the Saturday night at about 10pm, I was told that one of the pastors was sick, so I would be preaching at her church in the morning. Don't get me wrong! I love any opportunity to speak, but this was slightly on the short notice side of things. But it ended up going fairly well and, being the ridiculously awesome supportive people that they are, Tyler and Mark came with me for encouragement (and because Tyler will use any excuse to pick up an instrument and play with other passionate worship-y type people).

So. That was my week. Long, difficult, little breathing space and almost no sleep, but we're through. Less than four weeks left.

And tonight we celebrated with steak!