I Don't Know how to Be Something You Miss

Whenever dreams become reality, I wonder why I am surprised.

I do not know how to be more clear.

I AM GREAT WITHOUT YOU.

BETTER THAN GREAT.

I HATE YOUR WORDS.

I HATE YOUR THOUGHTS.

I HATE YOUR DECEPTION.

LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I Never Planned on You Changing Your Mind

There was a plan. A devastating, hard-to-comprehend-the-intricacies, life-length plan. I never planned on you changing your mind. There was only A. How do I switch to B, or the X I am now at, when there was never supposed to be anything but A?

It's always a dream. Life is fine, I am fine, and then a dream.

My subconscious doesn't understand, either.

My Heart has never Felt This Way before; I'm Looking through Your Eyes

Sometimes I get this ticklish inkling. Content goes out the window and Wild, Desirous and Dangerous open a new door of endless possibilities. My heart is leaping out of my chest because it knows, intrinsically, that I am meant for so much more than the here and now.

I think about tomorrow and find myself wondering why I will still be here, still going through the same mundane routine, still doing less than I am capable of accomplishing. I want to drive to Whistler tonight so I am there as soon as they open bungee jumping for the day, or go blow all my money on a one-way ticket to Ireland or Israel or Cuba, or get in my car and drive and drive and drive until I don't remember where I came from (or until I hit 48 states, whichever comes first), or go find the nearest cliff and jump off it (for recreational purposes of course), or run away to live in the woods like a wild child for a month, or drive around the city trying every ethnic food place I see, or try out for American Idol just so I can be on TV for their worst ever's, or go dancing just for the sake of letting loose and moving the way I always want to (especially when I am sitting through a seven hour class), or ask the first decent man I see to marry me and run away together to Spain and never come back, or just have a baby because I can (hello, I'm female) and am tired of waiting, or spend a ridiculous amount of money on paints and canvas and just go crazy because I love painting and never let myself, or run away to Los Angeles to work as a waitress while I wait for my chance that will make me famous and do strange sitcoms that never make it past the pilot until I meet James McAvoy on the street and he falls in love with me and gets me my big break, or swim in the ocean right now in the dead of night in October, or travel to some far off destination that will give me all the quiet I need to finally read all those books I have always wanted to and to finally devote myself to writing the way I have always dreamed of, or become a cologne consultant at The Bay.

I feel as if I am just floating, constantly pushing down the things I really want in favor of the "shoulds." Some of them are there for a purpose, namely safety or sanity, but so what? I want to live, love to the fullest, breathe each breath like it's my last, and dare to love every moment without the fear of this being the best it will ever get. I never want to ask myself if this is as good as it gets. I will do more with my life.

I want to be more than just some girl who you knew way back when and don't really know what happened to her after that. I want to be dynamic, a force of nature that takes the world by storm because I am driven be the love of the One whose passion has become mine. I cannot settle for anything less.

Dreaming with Eyes Wide Open

I have been dreaming about certain life milestones since forever ago, since before I can remember, and since before I found out that my dreams were dreams and not certain in the future and not what everyone else dreamt about.

Lately I've been disciplining myself to give up on certain dreams because I like to think worst case scenario so that I will not be disappointed. But God is Giver of dreams. And when I align my heart with His, my dreams suddenly find themselves molding to the contours of His desires for me. So far, at least as far as I can tell, none of my dreams are entirely off-base.

Right now, the one that is killing me to keep to myself is how badly I want a baby. This isn't the first blog on the topic so I'll keep it brief. I guess the only thing that's changed since before is that I don't want one just for me; that is utterly selfish, and how can I expect a child to ever carry the burden of a parent's happiness? No, not for my own happiness. I want to be part of creating with God, to make something that is so much myself and someone else, yet so unique and so unspeakably beautiful just for being made in the image of the Almighty. By no strength of my own, He weaves something beautiful together and then entrusts that little life to foolish people with dark pasts and secrets and hurts and fears....

I want to do it right. To say the wrong things at the wrong times and embarrass them no matter how hard I try to be hip and do all the things I swore I'd do just because my parents didn't which will of course only continue the cycle and take them for ice cream when they've had a bad day and take them for ice cream when I've had a bad day and let my husband build them a ridiculously dangerous treehouse which I will protest but secretly love just because he thought to do it and have breakfast for dinner and help them make Valentine's Day cards with glitter and dress them up as bumble bees and marshmallows and spaceships for Hallowe'en and fail epically while still doing everything I can to raise them to love God and live their lives for Him.

I guess despite all the heartache I'm having to maneuver through right now, all I really want is to be a mommy.

The Bane of My Existence

Oh trains, how you plague my already pitiful days.

Jasper is picturesque, postcard-worthy, and the perfect vacation spot...when you choose to be here. Returning from my Stephanie's wedding, my car decided to die. Of course. Cameron really knows how to be a jerk at just the wrong times in the wrong places. As we had no choice but to sleep illegally in my car across from the body shop that couldn't open until monday morning, we were forced to cross the railroad tracks every time we wanted to go into town.

Trains, I hate you.

We were situated right beside a main CN junction, so trains go by about every 10 minutes. This is especially inconvenient when I want to eat or pee or do anything immediate.

Oh trains. There is nothing more to say on less than 20 hours of sleep in 5 days.

Grapefruit H2O

Somewhere in the confused suffocation of last week, I forgot what it feels like to breathe. I tell my lungs to inflate, I stare a hole through my chest at where they should be...and nothing happens.

How do I explain the journey of the last few days? There are no correct words. I fought, I smashed, I surrendered; I got up without waking, walked without seeing, talked without communicating; I dreamed, and then was smacked into reality. I am breaking into a million little pieces.

Tomorrow is a birth-place, a thinking space, an unknown face, and a resting place. It underscores my desire to never be alone, whilst drawing back into the wretched sanctuary of my bedroom. Will tomorrow find me courageous or terrified, standing tall or hiding low, faithful or heartbreaking...or just unfeeling?

I have forgotten what it means to draw a deep breath, let it melt into every crevice, and release the dust of ruined dreams. Tomorrow will be better.

Of Consequence

I'm trying to figure out where I stand.



Am I okay with this life, exactly the way it is, exactly where I'm at? Or should I have packed my bags and headed to Greece or back to Cuba or some lost island in the Pacific by now? When I look back in ten years, slightly more settled than now, will I regret that I spent the most fun-possible years of my life strapped into Bible college and holding a non-paying career that would better fit someone in their thirties?



Am I stupid to believe in a one true love? Here I sit: flat on my butt, waiting for the man of my dreams, because my heart has been convinced that there will only be one guy for me. Is having fun until he shows up really not an option? And what if there is never any "he" to show up? If he doesn't exist, I'm waiting around on a misty, dreamy, pathetic nothing.



Do rules really mean anything? Right and wrong? Good and bad? Just words, or do they have the eternal meaning I've been brought up with? At times I feel so settled in my convictions, and then BAM! I find myself at a loss for stability; I am no longer on the solid ground of fact. Rather, I am consumed with pondering my existence and if it's wasting away before my eyes.



Question of the day. If I were not accountable to anyone, if I felt no obligation to anyone: my family, church, friends, school; if they just didn't care or I somehow stopped caring if they cared, would I walk away? Would I abandon God's call on my life and just flit away into oblivion? Would I take the high road still, or would I allow myself to fall away and become the person only created in my most horrible nightmares and most daring, exhilarating dreams? Nevermind question of the day. This is the question of my life.



So the ultimate question I am left with is one I don't want to face. It's boring holes through my brain as I type, and I'm trying to ignore it. But here it is, hopelessly drawing itself out of the depths of...myself? Here it is, bringing itself before the world for judgment. Here it is:



Are all these questions inconsequential? Even though I mean them, does my heart already know the answer? Is the deepest part of my soul already crying: "HOLD OUT! DON'T LET GO!"? Because I fear that deep down, I have no choice, no options. Free will? No way. He's told me what He wants from me, and now that I know...how do I turn away? This scared-to-death-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feeling I'm getting right now tells me that I don't know what I think; I don't want to know what I think. I've been falling in love with Him every day since the day I turned eighteen, but is that enough?



I don't know if it's enough.