Dreaming with Eyes Wide Open

I have been dreaming about certain life milestones since forever ago, since before I can remember, and since before I found out that my dreams were dreams and not certain in the future and not what everyone else dreamt about.

Lately I've been disciplining myself to give up on certain dreams because I like to think worst case scenario so that I will not be disappointed. But God is Giver of dreams. And when I align my heart with His, my dreams suddenly find themselves molding to the contours of His desires for me. So far, at least as far as I can tell, none of my dreams are entirely off-base.

Right now, the one that is killing me to keep to myself is how badly I want a baby. This isn't the first blog on the topic so I'll keep it brief. I guess the only thing that's changed since before is that I don't want one just for me; that is utterly selfish, and how can I expect a child to ever carry the burden of a parent's happiness? No, not for my own happiness. I want to be part of creating with God, to make something that is so much myself and someone else, yet so unique and so unspeakably beautiful just for being made in the image of the Almighty. By no strength of my own, He weaves something beautiful together and then entrusts that little life to foolish people with dark pasts and secrets and hurts and fears....

I want to do it right. To say the wrong things at the wrong times and embarrass them no matter how hard I try to be hip and do all the things I swore I'd do just because my parents didn't which will of course only continue the cycle and take them for ice cream when they've had a bad day and take them for ice cream when I've had a bad day and let my husband build them a ridiculously dangerous treehouse which I will protest but secretly love just because he thought to do it and have breakfast for dinner and help them make Valentine's Day cards with glitter and dress them up as bumble bees and marshmallows and spaceships for Hallowe'en and fail epically while still doing everything I can to raise them to love God and live their lives for Him.

I guess despite all the heartache I'm having to maneuver through right now, all I really want is to be a mommy.