I have started writing three days in a row and been stopped every time by a lack of anything to say. I do not know why I'm in school anymore. I feel like I'm just failing at everything. I have no home church. No ministry. No mentors. This is probably where I'm supposed to be right now and it's only mocking me. I feel without purpose or direction. And it feels very lonely where I'm standing. But if I leave, where would I go?And all I want to do is eat chips.
I had an enlightening conversation tonight. I talked and talked until somehow the truth came out and I was amazed at my own eloquence. Nostalgia, of course, mixed with hindsight and the truth of every circumstance, eventually coming together in perfect harmony.
I say "no regrets" a lot because a few years ago I decided that I did not want to turn into the kind of person who always regrets and spends her life looking backwards. Despite my best intentions, tonight sounded a lot like regret. It is not often that I break down over non-mistakes.
My wall is littered with photos of "I'm sorry"s and "remember when"s and "life was simpler then"s. I want to take fewer of those this year. I would much rather save friendships than pictures.
I don't know what to do to be different. How do I stop myself from becoming that person I both hated and somehow couldn't let go of? Even now, it's a struggle every morning to disentangle my fingers from the deceptions and temptations that so easily ensnare. So far the last few days I have been successful, and it's giving me a new sense of hope. Is it possible to only rely on God for love and fulfillment, or am I doomed to constantly fall? Today says the former, and I really want to keep it that way.
BROKEN
Originally posted: June 29, 2007Sometimes I think our hearts don't even belong to us.
They do exactly what they want, even if everything inside of us is telling them it's not worth it.
Then they break. And we break too.
I was reading through my old blogs from another site last night, from when I was 15 through 18, and it amazes me. Even then, in the heart of my rebellion, God loved me and was shaping me for His purposes. If all my dreams back then had come true, my life would look very different. He has been so faithful even in my pitiful mediocrity. I think that for the next little while I'm going to end each blog with an excerpt from back then, just for kicks.
My life is going down a very different road than I imagined. Sometimes the life I planned for feels so close I can taste it, but I know it's just a fantasy. I listen to this song and feel both more alive, more hopeful and more nostalgic than at any other time. The only thing that comes close is when I walk through the empty campus in the early morning, looking out over the misty beauty of the fresh sunlight and I feel so close to what once was. It's magical.
I'm on the road set out for me, and I don't know where it will lead. Sometimes i hear the faint whispers calling out after me: "When the world is right, I'll drive all night, meet you there someday..." and I have to take a deep breath and let go all over again of what might have been but never can be.
AUTUMN
Originally posted: October 3, 2006
when I think of fall, I think of you
crunching leaves, holding mittened hands
falling in love and falling apart
dying to you was like dying to summer:
swift, chilling, and perfect in its emptiness.
