Romeo, Save Me, They're Trying to Tell Me How to Feel

I am trying really hard to make sense of the space I am in right now. In some ways I feel as though I am exactly where I am meant to be and was destined to be and, really, in the only place I could ever have hoped to be in this exact moment; in others, I feel absolutely lost in a maze of what-ifs.

'What' and 'if.' Two words as non-threatening

as words come. But put them together

side-by-side and they have the

power to haunt you for the

rest of your life:

'What if?'

And then I find myself telling myself to shut the frick up already and take life how it has played out. It's beautiful; I don't know if I could have picked a better place to be in, minus the dirt and rot of the last year and a lot. But when I stop looking back and look at now, it's beautiful. It's brilliant. I wouldn't have it any other way.

That is how I need to choose to see it. If I don't, I will be swallowed up and find myself ending in a tragic 3inchesofwater drowning accident.

Reckless Abandon Wrapped in Common Sense

And now to spend my time (slightly more) wisely.

I am in the process of applying for jobs. The kind that are actually what I want to do with my life. It's terrifying. Part of me wants to marry someone ridiculously rich so he can buy me an island and I can lay in a hammock writing books for the rest of my life, or to live on a farm in Kansas and take pride in growing things and spend my life raising God-loving children and going to county fairs and die in a rocking chair on my wrap-around porch watching the sun go down, or be a secret cliff jumper who is never world-renowned but only ever does that and dies in a freak life preserver accident. But the bigger, better, eternity-focused part of me wants to put my heart and soul into doing exactly what God calls me to in the moment, going where He sends and leaving what He says I will be fine without, and dying in the most God-glorifying way possible. I think that part will win in the end. Now to spend every day for the rest of my life convincing myself all over again that the other part of me is dead and this part will be the part that leaves this world with no regrets.

It's That Time of Year Again...Again

Haven't you noticed how certain festivities never seem to end? You're sad when they're over, but within seconds it's that time of year again. The time this time? Roll Up The Rim, baby!

Last year, there were many ridiculous adventures in rolling, from the time the cup of winners was left unattended and it took all my ethics and morals and convictions put together to not take the entire cup...all the way to the time I spilled my steaming cup of hot coffee all over myself on a first date and luckily it was a winner so I got another one (along with a conveniently awkward clothing malfunction and pretty severe burns). Ah, to be young and addicted to caffeine.

For the record, I can smile again when I look back on stuff like that. It duesn't hurt me deep down anymore, even when I stare it all in the face. Sometimes I miss the way things used to be, but my only regret is that I didn't appreciate it as much when I had it; I'm taking my lesson away for the future.

It's 3:28 in the A.M. and I'm eating Greek chips and drinking real orange juice with pulp (not from concentrate) and just finished watching One Tree Hill with Emily. I'm sitting on a lumpy couch with a misplaced pair of scissors beside me and a dream on the fringes of my mind that I can't quite grasp but can't let go of either...I think it had something to do with a cruise ship and a jeep and a long-lost something or other. I slept twelve hours last night. I did not stop eating for more than half an hour at any point since 4 P.M.. Oh, and I'm wearing Sunday socks, which is very confusing, which might help to explain how I forgot to put mascara on today (which is very unlike me and had me distracted the rest of the day...slash made taking my make-up off a thousand times easier tonight. But anyways...). This is me. This is exactly where I'm at and it has to be good enough. I have very little energy to give in a day, and the fact that I have that much to write about (and am even writing a blog, for that matter) is a miracle in itself. And tomorrow I'll work harder. And the next day, and the day after that. "And one day, you find you're strong enough to fight through the pain until it doesn't hurt anymore."

When You Know, You Just Know

I had an enlightening conversation tonight. I talked and talked until somehow the truth came out and I was amazed at my own eloquence. Nostalgia, of course, mixed with hindsight and the truth of every circumstance, eventually coming together in perfect harmony.

I say "no regrets" a lot because a few years ago I decided that I did not want to turn into the kind of person who always regrets and spends her life looking backwards. Despite my best intentions, tonight sounded a lot like regret. It is not often that I break down over non-mistakes.

My wall is littered with photos of "I'm sorry"s and "remember when"s and "life was simpler then"s. I want to take fewer of those this year. I would much rather save friendships than pictures.

I don't know what to do to be different. How do I stop myself from becoming that person I both hated and somehow couldn't let go of? Even now, it's a struggle every morning to disentangle my fingers from the deceptions and temptations that so easily ensnare. So far the last few days I have been successful, and it's giving me a new sense of hope. Is it possible to only rely on God for love and fulfillment, or am I doomed to constantly fall? Today says the former, and I really want to keep it that way.

BROKEN
Originally posted: June 29, 2007

Sometimes I think our hearts don't even belong to us.
They do exactly what they want, even if everything inside of us is telling them it's not worth it.
Then they break. And we break too.