No It don't Come easy, No It don't Come Fast

What to say?

I am being forced to dig within myself to the most hurting, buried parts, bring them to the surface, and face them head on. Through this process I am finding out exactly how much of my life I have repressed. It is a lot.

I remember the first day I taught myself to compartmentalize to the point where I could be physically present in a conversation, respond as required to the smallest degree possible, and record what was being said for later review. That way I could recall it later, piece by piece, and not deal with the hurt in front of the person. Unfortunately, I always forgot the last step; I would leave the traumatizing material buried and not even scratch the surface of my hurt. As these things have compounded over the last three years (the time since that date), it has only served to further compound the things inside that I had already done this with, unbeknownst to myself. Now when I try to access a memory from, say, the second grade, it's gone. I have to dig through the last fifteen years of garbage until I finally get into a place of clarity where it is possible to see the hurts (or even positive experiences) from way back then.

All I can say so far is how sad I am. I am sad that I have wasted so much of my life repressing instead of facing. So sad that I am now having to spend a significant chunk of my life working through this stuff instead of getting on with my life. Devastated by what I'm turning up, which if it had been addressed in the moment would have only been a scratch on the exterior of my soul; instead it has become a sickness to my soul. I cannot believe some of the things I am discovering.

This is going to be the hardest work I have faced thus far.

And When All Else Fades, You Remain

I've reached a point where I cannot do anything aside from God. When I try, I am completely aware of it and immediately convicted. My heart is changing so rapidly that sometimes I have to stop myself and realize just how different I am from only a few weeks ago. My thought processes flow differently, the pattern of my heart beats to a different rhythm, and slowly the sting of hurt is being polysporined out of me. Every moment of the day is ministry or preparation for ministry or God-time or soul-searching time. Every once in awhile we watch a movie or talk about something else, but those are becoming few and far between. And I'm learning self-care.

As we earnestly seek Him, He further reveals Himself and His desires, and is faithful in answering our prayers. I'm still exhausted and need tons of prayer, but God is holding me through.

It's That Time of Year Again

Yes, it's Halloween. Trick-or-treating, dressing up, candy, zombie movies...it doesn't get any better than this.

I've only ever been in a relationship over Halloween once. I was 16 and we went to a party at his friend's house. My friend got introduced to his friend and soon enough they were making out somewhere. That's all I remember. It was romantic.

I want to take my kids trick-or-treating. I saw a monkey and a bumble bee and an incredible hulk. I know it'll be a couple years before I can do that, but it just makes me...ache. How the heck do I be patient when there are so many things I cannot wait to have, that hurt because I don't have them?

I don't know if I can see it anymore, the end. I don't know what to make of that.

And Again and Again and Again...

I was reminded today that it is only God's opinion that matters. I'm going to keep that in mind as I try to describe what's on my heart.

I survived. The day I've been dreading for months came...and is already halfway gone. Sure I hyperventilated on the way home (for unknown reasons) and have had a strange aching all over my body since (it feels like I was beaten all over with a baseball bat a couple weeks ago, and can finally feel my limbs again), but despite all that, I am still the same person I was when I went to bed last night and I will not change. I will not waiver or falter.

I'm just going to be candid for a moment. This is not love. This is not remnants of love. This is knowing that love is gone and I am without it, and somehow the world is still spinning. I don't know why this is such a big blow, but I'm trying to take it in stride.

One more time to go, and then possibly never again. That might be what hurts the most. I'm losing my best friend all over again.

Raw

So here's the raw emotion, straight from my heart. No hindsight included as of yet because there hasn't been time for any, and no filter on my thoughts.

It's over. Not because it's what I want, not because it's what he wants, but because it's what He wants. We can't fight that. Loving each other this much is not enough.

I hurt so bad all over, and I'm laughing at how crazy I am. But the pain is so real and so deep and is overshadowing all of my memories and everything I've grown to love. More than anything I want to go back just a few weeks to when we sat on this same couch and were just...together; to pause that moment and live in it forever. But I can't. We can't go back to just eight hours ago when this started, or an hour and a half ago when we finally said good-bye.

How do you adequately describe the feeling of every muscle and tendon and ligament in the body pulling against one another until I feel as if I'll explode into a million pieces? That about describes me perfectly.

I know I'll look back on this one day and it won't hurt anymore, but right now that thought only makes me want to cry more. This is my day of mourning for what might have been. My one day of looking every painful memory (and future plan) boldly in the face and taking every blow they deal. I don't want to get over him! I don't want to meet him at the airport in 86 days and not hug him because it will hurt too much. But how do I ever go back to before today?

We're not playing the God card. Neither of us. We're not using it as an excuse to dump a relationship so that we can move on. This hurts. This KILLS. But we're going to survive. We're going to make it through today and somehow barely make it out alive. And tomorrow will be a little bit easier. And the next day. And the next. Until finally, we can think of each other and not feel the torturous twist in our hearts.

But until then, for today, I will soak in the misery. I will take my one day to not let go, to sit and experience so clearly what can only be described as a broken heart: I can feel it physically in my chest, I can breathe it in, I can feel it falling down my cheeks, and every part of me is crying out to hold him one last time.

This is the Song that Never Ends

I have spent the day languishing in the bliss of an empty heart and bare room. In reality, taken into the context of what the last few days have been, my last statement can be more equivalently translated as: "I have spent the day under the oppression of mourning, because my roommate has left me and the rest are soon to follow."

Stephanie came back last night to hang out for a bit, and then to pack up and leave. When I got back to my room at 3am, I woke her up and we talked til about 4:30, at least as far as we can tell. I was then rudely awakened before 9 by Emily ripping a whiteboard off the wall and taking part of the wall with it. Steph cleaned, her mom cleaned, I think I cleaned a bit, and then it was time to go. I hadn't really been thinking about it until I looked around and saw her entire half of the room gutted and her face, standing alone in a sea of this-is-too-much-to-handle. She went to say good-bye to Emily first, and listening to them cry made me cry before I even realized what was happening. And the hug that lasted forever? It made my heart hurt, but I was glad for every second; from the first second we met and she wouldn't talk to me, to all the midnight talks and prayer times, to our crazy fun craziness, all the way to holding each other and wondering how it went by so fast. ...and then I made her leave because it hurt too bad to keep saying good-bye.

I spent the better part of today dwelling in her absence and allowing myself to feel the pain. Part of me wished I'd never met her, but the truthful me knew that I love her more than anything and wouldn't trade this year for the world. The pain is receding, though the waves come back once in a while just to let me know that I am human, this is real, and I cannot forget about her.

Tomorrow is Thailand. Emily, Melissa, and so many others will be gone for a month to do their thing, and I am so happy for them! It hurts and I'll miss them, but I know that life goes on. The sun will keep rising, and in the evening keep setting, and, as Sarah says, my God will keep loving me.

Ryan leaves for Thailand tomorrow too. For three months. We keep telling each other that it's really not that long and it will go by in no time. I, at least, know that there is so much more to it than that. I haven't fully allowed it to sink in yet because I just keep crying and this whole blubbering ALL THE TIME thing is getting a little old. But I don't want him to go. I want things to go on the way they've been. I want to play pool and go to minichurch and timmies, and even argue if that's what it takes to keep him here. But more than that, I want him to go because I know that's what he loves. I hope he has the trip of a lifetime, and that he comes back even more in love with God than ever before.

The semester is over. The year is over. My first year of college is over. People are leaving, and life does go on. Some people I missed saying good-bye to, but, as much as that brings a dull pain to my chest, I know that a lack of good-bye does not negate our entire friendship. Please know that you are still very much loved. And to the people who are coming back next year, know that I am on a mission. So many of you are so amazing, and we never got the chance to become close. I want that so bad, even if it hurts so much more in the end.

This really is the end, my friends.

Empty

I messed up really bad. I was less than truthful with one of my best friends, and now he's not ever going to talk to me again. I don't blame him. It just hurts SO BAD knowing it's my own fault. And there is nothing I can do to make it better.

I've always thought myself to be good with words. I can pen my thoughts with precision when called to do so, and I rarely fumble to express my inner workings. But today. Today words failed me. There was not one thing I could say in the entire world to convince him that I was wrong, so horribly wrong, but that there might be room for forgiveness.

This is humiliation to the max. I didn't think it could get worse, until I realized everyone knows. I don't blame him for telling people, but I blame me for giving him something to tell them about. So I'm in this isolated darkness, full of regret and shame over things I cannot change. But I'm going to try.

I need to get right with God. If I can draw all of this back to one place, it's my not being right with Him. This is obviously going to take a lot of healing time, and nothing will ever change if I don't give it up to God. He made me, He made him, and He gets it all. He gets the condition of each of our hearts, and He's not biased. He's hurting with him even as He hurts with me.

I am so selfish. When I look at all of this, it spells one thing: SELFISH. I was only thinking of myself. And by the time I started caring for someone more than myself, it was too late. The damage was done. And I'm left with this aching emptiness in my chest that cries out: "What if I was wrong?" Not wrong about hurting him, I know that I did; I know I messed up too bad to ever be properly made right. I mean...what if I overlooked what is good, just because I couldn't see it? What if I was the one holding me back from having peace?

What if I was wrong?