Consider Yourself Notified

It's funny when life jumps up and slaps me where and when I least expect it. Tonight it was through a Facebook message informing me that a group was being archived due to inactivity, the group being a tribute to a teacher who died while I was in Grade 12. It took this to realize that I haven't thought about him since I graduated and it makes me incredibly sad because that seems to be what I do when people die: I don't think about it and end up forgetting they ever died and then, eventually, that they ever lived. What a waste of a memory.

This is so sad in this case, especially, because he was such a good man who loved God and loved his students. And he inspired me. He was a huge push behind my drive to do acting as a career, and maybe that was part of why I stopped. He died, and with him went my remembrance of his high enthusiasm for my abilities. I need to choose to see this as a positive thing, though. Without losing a part of that passion, I may never have become surrendered enough to pursue ministry the way I do today.

I am now in thinking mode. I cannot imagine a world where we know the time we will die, as does everyone else, and it causes neither shock nor sadness; a world that does not know cancer or disease and where life here is not the end but a precursor to the Greater Beyond. Yeah, Mr. Lewis has me thinking again, too.

You Don't Know Me at All

It's been a long time since I blogged about tangible things, or so it seems to me. Thinking on ways to fix this, it came to me. I think I may have done a blog on this in the past (if I find it, I'll link it), but it will still be fun. Twenty-five random things about me:

1. I once drove to California by myself just for an In-n-Out burger.
2. I secretly desire to be one of those (psychotic) morning people who wakes up before dawn to exercise for two hours before breakfast. I love the idea of being that person, but my willpower and natural tendencies don't bend that way.
3. The thought of ketchup makes me gag. Ketchup in reality is fine.
4. A diamond has been falling out of my ring for nearly 2 years and I still have not had it fixed. I am scared that I will look down one day and it will be gone, but the idea of not wearing it so it can be fixed weirds me out.
5. I would rather read the Message than the NLT.
6. Every time I watch a TV show where people are driving in a car, I tense up for the entire scene and hold my breath because I am so scared they will be in an accident. And whenever I'm right, the jolt feels like I'm right in there with them.
7. If I could, I would only ever wear red shoes.
8. I enjoy cleaning bathrooms.
9. Every time I start a new relationship with a man (okay, let's be real, it's usually been with boys), I keep tokens along the way "just in case." Then, when it ends, I dump it all except one thing. Then I hide that thing somewhere random where I will never think to look so that by the time I find it, I will smile because there will only be good memories left.
10. Whenever I find myself thinking "if only my ______ were more ________," I now remind myself that it's God's way of keeping me humble. This brings me surprising peace. Rather than complaining that I can't sing, I don't tan, my eyes aren't big enough and I'm just the wrong height, I smile to myself and give God a small nudge of appreciation.
11. I have not written a letter to my sponsor child, Bizi, since I started supporting him in January 2009. Every time I see his picture I feel guilty, but somehow never guilty enough to send him something. It was just his birthday again. He's 8 now.
12. I love wearing giant, flashy earrings.
13. Sometimes I have confidence. Sometimes I do not. The times I do are usually the times I am inadequate and should be humble, while the times I do not are often the times I am forgetting in Whom my confidence should be.
14. I use a man's razor. I like red better than pink, and things that work better than pretty things that break.
15. I am an introvert. The more I admit it and stop fighting who I am, the easier it becomes to just be.
16. There are three weeks left of school. Part of me is desperately sad, but that is only the scared part; the rest of me, all 98%, is thrilled beyond words.
17. My car's name is Zimbabwe, Zimi for short. She flies, sings, conditions and swings. And she holds my cups with confidence.
18. For the first time in probably 6 months, I went to the graveyard on Thursday. It was hot like June and there were flowers everywhere and the wind stopped blowing and my heels were covered in mud and I trimmed the grass with my fingernails and I cried there for things I will never have. Seven years. Where did the time go?
19. The more I see them, the more I love Gerber Daisies.
20. I like who I am in the summer more than at any other time.
21. It's been nearly a year since the end of everything I thought I was going to live my whole life for. Thank You, God, for taking it when You did. Despite the mess, You had the timing down to a T. I am not angry at You anymore.
22. I will only be 22 for another 82 days. It has not been the hardest year. And things will only continue to go up.
23. I am still saving BigMacs for marriage.
24. I am out of my favourite perfume. By the time I get it again, it will be time to leave it behind. I miss smelling like me.
25. I am learning a lot about what real love really is.

Your Skin and Bones Turn into Something Beautiful

This is an exercise in feeling. Inside Me wants to write some cute anecdote regarding this last semester that will make me feel better and impress the masses; New Me says shut up and listen to yourself. Therefore, I have nothing cute to say about this semester. It feels vaguely familiar...as in, it is not so different from the last two. The truth is, I really don't remember very much of it.

This last week alone has been quite the insane mess. Forget papers and exams and the things that drove me into the ground; forget my personal stand against the people who are supposed to be giving me my life back, which has only led me deeper. My space has become increasingly messier, my mind increasingly emptier, and the rest of me only finds itself more confused. But let's be realistic.

PROS

• I got to cuddle with someone last night who I have missed very very much.
• Banquet was actually fun...it didn't bring horrific flashbacks the way I was expecting.
• I was able to give myself a little bit of grace and allow myself to not do my best on all assignments. And you know what? It feels so good.

CONS

• My GPA is a bust.
• I am incredibly confused about what next semester will look like because of all these new things racing around in my life.
• Every time I hear that door to the outside close, I feel even more alone.

Why do I do this to myself every year?! I sit here until almost everyone is gone, feeling the agony of loss and not knowing why. If I would just leave the day after banquet, not on a plane or after hours and hours of travel but by driving the 15 minutes home, and say my goodbyes all at once...then, THEN this would be doable.

You know I love you so.

No It don't Come easy, No It don't Come Fast

What to say?

I am being forced to dig within myself to the most hurting, buried parts, bring them to the surface, and face them head on. Through this process I am finding out exactly how much of my life I have repressed. It is a lot.

I remember the first day I taught myself to compartmentalize to the point where I could be physically present in a conversation, respond as required to the smallest degree possible, and record what was being said for later review. That way I could recall it later, piece by piece, and not deal with the hurt in front of the person. Unfortunately, I always forgot the last step; I would leave the traumatizing material buried and not even scratch the surface of my hurt. As these things have compounded over the last three years (the time since that date), it has only served to further compound the things inside that I had already done this with, unbeknownst to myself. Now when I try to access a memory from, say, the second grade, it's gone. I have to dig through the last fifteen years of garbage until I finally get into a place of clarity where it is possible to see the hurts (or even positive experiences) from way back then.

All I can say so far is how sad I am. I am sad that I have wasted so much of my life repressing instead of facing. So sad that I am now having to spend a significant chunk of my life working through this stuff instead of getting on with my life. Devastated by what I'm turning up, which if it had been addressed in the moment would have only been a scratch on the exterior of my soul; instead it has become a sickness to my soul. I cannot believe some of the things I am discovering.

This is going to be the hardest work I have faced thus far.