This is an exercise in feeling. Inside Me wants to write some cute anecdote regarding this last semester that will make me feel better and impress the masses; New Me says shut up and listen to yourself. Therefore, I have nothing cute to say about this semester. It feels vaguely familiar...as in, it is not so different from the last two. The truth is, I really don't remember very much of it.
This last week alone has been quite the insane mess. Forget papers and exams and the things that drove me into the ground; forget my personal stand against the people who are supposed to be giving me my life back, which has only led me deeper. My space has become increasingly messier, my mind increasingly emptier, and the rest of me only finds itself more confused. But let's be realistic.
PROS
- I got to cuddle with someone last night who I have missed very very much.
- Banquet was actually fun...it didn't bring horrific flashbacks the way I was expecting.
- I was able to give myself a little bit of grace and allow myself to not do my best on all assignments. And you know what? It feels so good.
CONS
- My GPA is a bust.
- I am incredibly confused about what next semester will look like because of all these new things racing around in my life.
- Every time I hear that door to the outside close, I feel even more alone.
Why do I do this to myself every year?! I sit here until almost everyone is gone, feeling the agony of loss and not knowing why. If I would just leave the day after banquet, not on a plane or after hours and hours of travel but by driving the 15 minutes home, and say my goodbyes all at once...then, THEN this would be doable.
You know I love you so.
No comments:
Post a Comment