Pain Is There for a Reason

There are a lot of thoughts spinning around in my head, a lot to digest. Things I thought I knew for sure are brought into question and the same old hurts bring new shocks of pain where I didn't know they could go. It makes me question being back at school and how I relate there and if I should go back at all.

Today I went downtown and ate poutine and saw my favourite places and held this one hand for hours. Tomorrow is back to work and back to life, but for one day it was escape. Soon I will need to find another job, decide about school, fill my life with things all over again.

The summer is over in four weeks and I have a lot to think about.

Yo, Year! You're Over

This used to be one of my favourite times of year, when almost everyone had left dorms but there were enough of us left to keep it sane and I knew who was coming back and where I was headed. It feels like a morgue instead. There are enough people left, and I love the ones who are, but I really miss the ones who aren't. They only left today and it already feels empty here.

I don't know what I am doing in September. Up until a few days ago I was dead set against coming back, except for maybe one class, but now part of me really just wants to finish with the people I began the journey with three years ago. I miss when I knew and when decisions felt easy because they were.

I have to start packing but none of me wants to. I want to stay here in this perfect day forever, sun shining and cool breeze blowing and bittersweet goodbyes and perfect hugs on the grass and a case of 7up at my fingertips. If the sun goes down on today, the rest of my todays will be uncertain. I like the certainty that only today can bring.

We leave on Sunday for five weeks in a bus and I no longer know if it's crazy or the best thing of my life. When I get back, big decisions will have to be made, as well as big money. For now, though, I'm just pushing hangers to fill both sides of the closet and moving my mattress to the bottom bunk. It is suddenly very, very lonely and I have the sneaking suspicion that my wishing this year away worked better than was good for me.

I Want to Make It Last

Today is the last day. Day 231. I still have some work to do, but who cares?! I'm done. Done with the unnecessary stress and the false guilt and the opinions I cannot change. Entering a convent wouldn't change what this day can change. It's my own sense of liberation that marks today. The weight on my shoulders has been a burden that has hardened me in places I didn't want to see, but in the end I have come out stronger, wiser, and more compassionate.

I love cupcakes, too.

And playoff hockey.

And purple blankets.

And 7up.

And laser shows.

Now, I know that tomorrow will be better.

Baby, I Believe

Every Sunday I read PostSecret - not because it is ritual or uplifting or fun - because every week there is something that grabs me and I know it is my secret, too. This one is from years ago, but it caught me today all over again.

Today was such a good day. I saw an old friend and did not die; life is too good to give someone the power to wreck it for me. And the further the good goes, the more sure I become that I am going to make it through this season alive.

I have two-hour-old coffee. Yum.

I am sitting here smiling for no apparent reason. Hallelujah.

At First Glance

Today has been a beautiful day. The weather is ugly and I feel equally so, but there is something magical in the air today.

I have been trying to cry for weeks, really cry from the bottom of myself, and today I was finally able. What came out was stronger, deeper and scarier than I could have imagined. But it was so good. I made some strong, deep, and scary (to match the mood) decisions, and have not felt so good in months. There is an end in sight. There is control and safety and irresponsibility and uncertainty and life in sight. In sight. That sounds so good to me.

Day 1 - When We've Been There

Today marks the beginning of another. Hello, round three. I will not be talking about it much, except in minutely interesting side references in blog titles, but it is the start and that requires I take some note of it.

I have hit a place where I have finally had enough. God and I are not close enough. I flee genuine relationship with Him like it is something I should fear, something I may lose my life over. Heh. Right. And then I sit here in my desert of terror instead of on the frightless island of my own making that is as easy to get to as closing my eyes. I need to get over whatever this is and let Him save me all the way.

Get ready. This semester just got a whole lot slower.

And I Feel You Forget Me like I used to Feel You Breathe

Today has been many things.

My first snow day in many years.

A perfect example of everything for which I have to be grateful.

A devastating shock to the system, signifying that I am still susceptible.

Surprising in its turn of events.

And very, very long.

I have bigger plans than here, larger fish to fry. Part of me wants to be gone and on with my life, the rest is terrified of what I will find. Here I at least know what I am facing.

I want more.

Hold My Beer while I Kiss Your Girlfriend

Yesterday I took two naps.

Today I bought the highest heels I currently own.

Tomorrow I marry Tom Cruise.

Saturday I move back to school.

Sunday I will wear that shirt.

Monday is the day that classes begin.

Tuesday means lasers on my body.

Wednesday spells disaster, hospital, cake and new sweater.

Thursday feels like many things to do.

Friday will be the end of the week.

I am a planner.

So.

Why am I still writing a paper for last semester?

Half done.

Half to go.

It's Such a Crying Shame, Will It Ever Stop?

Yesterday I wrote about shocking tears. Today they are violent tears. Tomorrow they will probably be homicidal. Watch your back.

Today I learned a lesson. Nothing I ever do will change anyone's mind about me. I can try and try and effort-myself to death, and the results will be...oh, right. I am still me. I cannot change me. I am stuck.

The football went in the net. I collapsed. Was I faking an injury or in a pile of agony? I lost all sense of truth.

Or am I the ball?

I am a metaphor. I compare things without like...or love. "As" would be inappropriate as well. I am the comparison without, the sunshine without, the Hail Mary without. Without. Without like.

In a fortnight I will be through with everything Christmas. Other things, too. Dangerous? Yes.

I Don't Know What to Be without You Around

Tomorrow is packing and cleaning and packing and organizing and unpacking things I still need and re-packing in their place. Tomorrow is doing whatever the heck I want: sleeping when I want, eating what I want, shutting myself away from who I want. I need me time. I miss me time. Coming home exhausted at the end of a long, stressful day and falling asleep doing devotions is by no means me time.

Tomorrow is hours closer to tomorrow's tomorrow. Tuesday is final packing and weighing and sleeping in and quick good-byes and even a silly good-bye and a flight home and lots of hugs and Starbucks and my car and a bed that feels like I belong in it. Tuesday is forgetting for a minute that I ever left the land of sea and stars and ocean and real air and real water.

Today was good-byes and t-shirts and promises and frustrations and stress and McDonald's and Die Hard and making way too many moves and exhaustion and, ultimately, relief. Today was the final day of expectations.

This Place Be Happenin'

Today is about realizing it's not about me.

Today was recognizing that I really am able to hear God's voice, through confirmation times two, even though I've been scared for so long that I don't.

Today is still being on track with my daily Bible reading. It's been 27 days.

Today was sadness and holding back and holding in, but not allowing my heart to harden with it.

Today I got so excited about something that I couldn't hold back the hugest smile.

I can't count on tomorrow, but today He was inscribed on the palm of my hand, too.

And We Know It's Never Simple, Never Easy, Never a Clean Break

Today is a day of extreme discouragement. I didn't realize that that was the word, pressing on my chest until I can hardly breathe, until I was texting someone and it just came out. I am discouraged.

I am closer to God than I have been in months. I am serving Him again and doing my best to swallow my pride and be humble. The people who work with me would probably be amazed to know that I don't even say half the things on my mind. I am trying my darnedest to be positive and smile, laugh and nod at the correct times, but I can feel the knife blade beneath my feet beginning to slip. At some point some one will say some thing and I will lose my hold and just cry. And I won't be able to stop.

I don't want to complain or be dishonouring to those who are in authority over me. I want to have a heart after what theirs' beat for, and to support them in all their endeavours. But I'm wearing thin already. And my church, my home church for the next few months...I don't feel like they want me. Maybe they were expecting someone older or...or... well to be honest, I think they wanted a guy. I have all the experience in the world that I could ever need to do everything they ask of me and more at this church (except for my lacking in the Portuguese department), but they don't...something. Trust? Want? I don't know.

And that's just work. If all I did in my whole life was work, this would be cake. My mind and heart do so much more than work, and they just ache all over. God is in the center and all around everything I do; nothing is being held back from His scrutiny (as far as I know). But I still hurt. I am still not whole.

I don't know how to make it another 53 days.

If You Just Realize What I Just Realized

Today has been a day of introspective thought. Many things in, several things out, and most of it just circling around and around inside.

I'm getting back into a good place. Finally. But I'm still in want of some things. I still miss others. This is prep time; this is the period before things in which things still happen, but I am left waiting on the other things which may never happen.

I want to be content. I also want so much more than where I'm at right now.

I cannot find the words. The answer I need is still in someone else whose ears no longer accept questions or otherwise. And my future is all wrapped up in unknown. C.S. Lewis told me that the future is the furthest thing from heaven. I need to live now if I ever hope to get to a new now.

Your Love Is Extravagant

Today is one of those rare days that I truly feel at peace. My word for it is usually "zen" (despite the negative religious conotations) because when I say zen, I feel zen. You feel me? ...But either way you slice it, it's still peace.

It's that kind of day that comes along once, twice, three times a year - or maybe I'm just the only one who suffers from a complex that leaves me needing to be in control and unwilling to hand things off to God, despite His obviously superior skills - and just catches me by surprise.

I love surprises! But, as anyone who knows me well knows, I am extremely hard to surprise. I always wreck the surprise for myself (maybe my brain has too many synapses...or is that even possible?) because I analyze the frankincense out of every situation. I cannot just be.

But today. Oh, today. I just...was. And God surprised me. I found myself in the bathroom after a long day of work and sadness at Germany's unexpected surrender just when they were getting good at taking over (my gosh, it's a pattern!) and treadmilling to get a truffle and I was sweaty and humid and just getting out of the shower when it hit me: I am going to be okay. If I never get married and never have kids (that one came out slow and hurt a little) and never start another church...it'll be okay. I will probably cry and complain at some point, but at this moment I know it'll be alright.

"Whom have I in heaven but Thee? And besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Psalm 73:25,26).

Bam! Heaven isn't worth getting to if my goal isn't Him; at the end of it all, my portion of the inheritance is only Him. "And besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth;" that one hits hard. To desire nothing but Him...it sounds impossible, but I get it. Not the logical me, but the soul me. Deep down I think I might be beginning to understand.

Love of My Life

I love the ocean. There is nothing like the smell, the taste, the breeze that can only come off of thousands of miles of open water. The sand has that feel of being touched by sea, whether it's white powder in Cancun or beige sand in Santa Cruz or gritty grey in White Rock. It all feels the same on my toes. But the one thing all ocean beaches have in common, storm or calm, are the waves.

Life generally comes in waves; ups and downs, risings and fallings, hard times and the most wonderful times come one following the other. Tides come high and low, but they never falter. Waves are constant.

My life is not waves. When I think waves, I think little shpsh's to great white breakers and everything in between. My ups and downs tend to follow more of a hurricane versus frozen-over/only-slight-undercurrents-beneath-the-solid-ice ends of the spectrum. I rarely see an in between.

I am in a hurricane. The old adage that says when it rains, it pours...truth. It never stops. One thing after another after another after another. It's like getting caught in a strong current or a sudden volley of giant waves with no room to breathe in between. Just when I think it's safe to inhale, another wave smothers me and only stinging water enters my lungs. I haven't been able to breathe in a long time.

Today was another tsunami. A BIG one. I mean, yes tsunamis tend to be viewed as pretty huge, but this one was a monster. It nearly swallowed me whole. I cried and cried and cried. I haven't cried like that in...I don't even know. It was pathetic. It was pathetic, but it was real.

Tomorrow will probably be just another aspect of the hurricane. Maybe things will be better, but only until I realize I've just been resting in the eye and need to buckle down for another long fight.

There's something about the ocean that takes me back. Back to walks on the beach in tender years with a woman whose age I will never know but whose love I will never forget. Back to my eighteenth birthday kissing a boy who I still loved but I knew deep down had long since stopped loving me. Back to swims and bikinis and sunburns and crabbing trips and boating trips and weeks at summer camp and long meaningful walks and first rebellions and confessions. Back to the first night I knew someone cared for me, truly cared, and staring out across the bay with him altered me in a mystical, soul-changing way that I can't shake.

I love the ocean. I love the feel and the smell and the taste and the refreshment and everything it does to me. But I'd take waves over tsunamis any day.

Holiday Goodies

It's not true...yet. But I don't want it to be my fate. The first time I read this Post Secret I cried and cried and cried.

Today I almost lost everything important to me. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow has to be better.

If I didn't know any better, I would say that life wasn't meant to be so hard.

I was right at guess 17. Gingerbread.

Where You Are

My most sincere moments of clarity always come when least expected. For one clear, shining moment, I can see the truth that has evaded me for so long and I am completely at ease with the unfiltered view before me.

Today is the first day of fall. Today is a beautiful day just like last year, which feels like yesterday. Today I sat in the middle of a field and cried in the sunshine. Today I had the opportunity to choose, the same as any other day.

Every day is a new day, yet I hopelessly cling to the days before, usually in punishment. I tell myself that there's no point in turning around now because I've already come so far and screwed up so bad. I look in the mirror and don't forget who I see when I turn away; she haunts every succeeding step.

I cannot remember who I was twelve months ago. I cannot remember where she came from or her motivations for anything she did.

I am on the edge of falling flat on my face. I feel as if I am sitting on a very thin line that is supporting my entire weight. If I stay above the line, I am safe; if I dip below, I will crash and burn.

I don't know where this is leading or why I suddenly needed to get it out or why I sound so emo lately. But I don't know how else to express myself. Words fail me. Yet, somehow, my fingers magically transform the beating of my heart into rhythms of voice that are comprehensible on a page.

I don't know what you want from me, Lord.

Splat (aka The First Day of School)

Today is the first day of school. I didn't have classes, but that doesn't stop my former statement from being true.

Life here is not the same. Was I naive enough to expect that it could be? For sure. I just saw two people I haven't seen in at least 5 months and, it, too, was not what I thought it would be. There are some people that even time and a healing heart cannot replace.

Tomorrow I start classes and life goes back to "normal." I have homework, find a job, somehow squeeze in church, and what is supposedly normal returns to my life. If only I could somehow let go of how much last year meant to me. My relationship with God crashed, burned, and was built up again stronger than ever; I met some of the best friends I could ever hope to find; I found love that didn't demand more of me than I could offer and I lost it; I finally found the person I've been searching for all my life...myself.

And here I am. On the brink of a new cliff, trying to decide whether or not to jump. Only the next few weeks will tell. Do I stand around waiting on a parachute that will never come, or do I just take the leap and pray I don't SPLAT my body on the rocks?

Adventures in Restauranting

Today and yesterday were thrilling to the nth degree. There is nothing more satisfying than restauranting.

Restauranting: (v) taking one hour at a time to sit in front of a food-serving establishment whilst counting the number of males and females who enter and leave said establishment, followed by entering the restaurant and counting advertisements in the restrooms, all done for profit.

We restaurant (used here as a verb) to fundraise for camp in the summer and general church needs. So last night and tonight we each drove around the city to three different restaurants and restauranted for three full hours. Oh, the joys.

My first place today was a dirty pub down by Kits beach, where 50-year-old men were hitting on me and the bartender didn't want to help me unless I bought a drink. I sat across the street in Muffin Break to count, and passed the time counting how many cute guys I could get to smile at me. Eleven. That's six more than the place I did it at yesterday.

The second was a Thai place with no customers, and it was conveniently (or not so much) placed beside Spence Diamonds. I spent the entire time trying to convince myself of why I shouldn't go in.

The third was lame and nothing happened. The end?

Yesterday was no better, and I fear that next week won't be either. It's not that I don't appreciate getting the places that are in the nicer part of town, but times like these make me wish I weren't such a multi-tasker. That way, I could put all my focus into counting (whether it's silly to waste that much time or not) rather than also listening to music, texting, eating, wooing (bahaha), and writing the next great American novel all at the same time...and being dead bored.

Next time I plan on bringing several books, more writing paper and possibly some knitting. Oh, the joys.

Cover-up (The Make-up Kind)

Today is a new day. Despite my highest hopes, it isn't better than yesterday. Tomorrow doesn't look promising either.

It sounds hopeless. Forfeit is on the horizon.

But wait! What's that? Ah...an old friend. We looked and looked, and you finally came. Hope.

There's this tiny little light on the peripheral of my blurry vision, and something tells me that there has to be a rhyme and reason. No matter what the end result is, I know God will do the same thing in both of us. I don't even know what to hope for anymore, but despite that, he's still here. Hope, that is. And so is He.