This used to be one of my favourite times of year, when almost everyone had left dorms but there were enough of us left to keep it sane and I knew who was coming back and where I was headed. It feels like a morgue instead. There are enough people left, and I love the ones who are, but I really miss the ones who aren't. They only left today and it already feels empty here.
I don't know what I am doing in September. Up until a few days ago I was dead set against coming back, except for maybe one class, but now part of me really just wants to finish with the people I began the journey with three years ago. I miss when I knew and when decisions felt easy because they were.
I have to start packing but none of me wants to. I want to stay here in this perfect day forever, sun shining and cool breeze blowing and bittersweet goodbyes and perfect hugs on the grass and a case of 7up at my fingertips. If the sun goes down on today, the rest of my todays will be uncertain. I like the certainty that only today can bring.
We leave on Sunday for five weeks in a bus and I no longer know if it's crazy or the best thing of my life. When I get back, big decisions will have to be made, as well as big money. For now, though, I'm just pushing hangers to fill both sides of the closet and moving my mattress to the bottom bunk. It is suddenly very, very lonely and I have the sneaking suspicion that my wishing this year away worked better than was good for me.
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