Torrac, Carrie and Rottie

I have spent this break, so far, watching funny TV so I laugh more, actually spending money on myself so I don't feel as though I never do, reading wonderful literature so that my writing improves, and pretending I don't miss Jon with every heartbeat.

Christmas was fab, to say the least. Notable gift mentions: the "family" of stuffed IKEA carrots from my brother (see above), a gorgeous necklace from my uncle, and a handmade tea box from my dad (it is actually the most incredible thing ever). Gifts for myself: a ton of painting supplies on sale for ridiculously low prices and, a strange one, I finally signed up to be an organ donor. At some point that was on a top-10-to-do list, so it's done. Best gift for someone else: the "privacy area" I built for my brother to hang over his computer, made out of a silver wreath and crepe paper. Oh the joy. But the best part? Realizing how much I appreciate my family.

School still isn't back in for nearly two weeks, which gives me hope. I am already feeling a thousand times better, and I can only imagine that the feeling will grow in that time. It is so good to just be.

I Tried My Best to Be Guarded, but I'm an Open Book Instead

I am slowly coming to the realization that I can never go back.

There are so many things I would change if I could, so many precautions I would have taken, so many wise words I would have told myself. I will never again relive the "glory days," which, without the glare of nostalgia, really weren't so glorious after all; I will never relive the dark days, which, at the time, contained some of my most precious moments. I can never again be the Leanne who gave her heart to Jesus in the earnest hope that her life would turn around. We are so far beyond that now.

The more I discover about God, the more He thrills me. I read His name and feel my heart turn wildly inside of my chest, as someone so eloquently put it. I am falling in love with Him for who He is, not who I want Him to be or who it would be more convenient for Him to be or what He could do for me. Just Him. And it's rocking my world.

Part of my issue right now with only three more weeks of school this semester is trying to stay focused when all I want to do is sit down and read my Bible for hours on end. I want to read books that go deep into who He is, not just scratch the surface in an overview attempt at explaining a concept to people who haven't yet begun that journey. I want so much more right now! I haven't had passion about anything in so long, but last night as I discussed my views on some controversial topics, I felt a part of myself start to breathe again. I may have been too pushy at some points, and for that I apologize, but it was just so exciting to know I was excited about something! And it wasn't just any something.

Okay, I need to sleep now. If I want any energy with which to properly live each day so I have time for the things I want - let's be real, when it becomes as essential as breathing it is now a need - and not just the things necessary for passing courses that I will most likely forget about in a year's time. I want to learn, but so much more than that I want to fall deeper into Him. It will take my whole life to learn how to do it right, and then it will only be the start of an even grander adventure as I move on to the real story of my existence.

So if I continuously bring up the same topics, I...well, I don't apologize, but I am sorry if it bothers you. I am just so enthralled with this stuff that I can't help but talk about it.

Go on and Get your Armour, Heart, because You're Going to Need It

Old nonsense. That's me.

Yet.

I feel able, capable.

Passionate! About things, about people, about the things that shouldn't matter but do and the things that don't matter but should.

I look into the future and only see brightness; a light at the end of the tunnel greater than I could have possibly imagined, in the words of someone speaking to my nine-year-old self.

There is hope again.

I know who I want to be, how I can get there, and a glimpse of what endless joys it will bring.

I will be honest. I will be trustworthy. I will be compassionate. I will strive to be a woman after God's own heart. I will be a woman of integrity. I will be a faithful, supportive, loving wife, and not just because those words sound good and are expected. I will choose to love and respect my husband, even when he disappoints me and does not love me the way he should. I will raise my children with all the care in the world, pouring into their lives and investing in who they will become. I will serve God how He asks me to, not how I think would best suit me. I will be a good enough friend to be upfront, putting everything on the line in order to help them be the best they can be. I will finish school. I will stop putting things off until tomorrow. I will stop loving the things that only break my heart. I will finish well.

The time has come for me to stop focusing on who I do not want to be and to turn my attention to the person I am endeavoring to become. I can be her, whenever I choose. I choose now.

Confessions of a...Masochistaholic?

I haven't opened my Bible since school ended. I love my Bible. I love reading it and getting into it and burying myself in it and holding on to its truths. But I don't like me lately. So, instead of allowing its beauty and wisdom to infiltrate my (insert any given word here: sadness, heartache, numbness, etc.), I harden my heart further and let nothing in. Nothing is safer than everything. ...Because lately, I've found almost everything is all or nothing.

I haven't opened my Bible since school ended. For assignments, I use Bible gateway. When people write me letters or give me verses, I read what's on the sheet and nothing more. I have hardened myself against it because it hurts too bad. Praying has been difficult too. What do I say to a God who I don't know how to speak to anymore? When all signs point to Him existing, but with that the weighty feeling that He must hate me to let this happen, how do I find the words?

And then. Tonight I go on Facebook, way too late as usual, and at the top of my home page, someone's status simply says: "Romans 8:28!" And I was compelled. Without a thought, my Bible was out and open. I started from the beginning of the section, and one verse in I was sobbing. Here it is:

"And in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren; and whom He predestined, these He also called; and whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, 'For Thy sake we are being put to death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

When I can't find the words anymore, Jesus and the Holy Spirit do it for me. They go beyond words for me, because I cannot do it myself. Despite all the spinning in my head, every word here makes perfect sense. There is room to conquer.

This song is my prayer right now. I don't have my own words, but these seem to do the trick:

this is my prayer in the desert / when all that's within me feels dry / this is my prayer in my hunger and need / my God is the God who provides / this is my prayer in the fire / in weakness or trial or pain / there is a faith proved of more worth than gold / so refine me Lord through the flame / this is my prayer in the battle / when triumph is still on its way / I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ / so firm on His promise I'll stand

I always just sang the words. Yet, right now in this moment, they mean something.

I don't know if this will change things. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and things will be exactly the same. But at least I can rewind for a second, look back at Wednesday, January 6th at 3:05am and remember that, even for a split second, I had hope.

I Make This Look Good

Tonight, the Thailand team arrives home. At 11pm, Katie and I will make our way back to the school, where the fallout began, and take the hit one last time. My gosh, it's already been a month.

I am centered, I am focused, and where I once was lost I now am found. I am healing and regaining composure and learning to rise above that which only makes me weaker. I am so glad that they are arriving at night, or the sense of deja-vu would be frightening and ultimately too much to handle. I will never forget the loading of that bus or the sluggish pull-away moment. But tonight can fix almost all of that.

I don't want to drone on about this any longer. I am nearly whole again, and I don't want it to seem as if I am still holding on. I'm not. My hands are open, palms to the sky, and I have let go.

Every day brings me closer to something new, something more exciting than ever before. I spent years and years of my life dwelling on the past and forgetting to participate and enjoy the present, thus missing an integral part of my existence that I can never have back. I refuse to make that mistake again. I am focusing on today and all that God has for me. Yesterday is gone, and the memories are only that: reflections, echoes of what once was and can never be again.

There is no regret. And there is hope. Always hope.

Cover-up (The Make-up Kind)

Today is a new day. Despite my highest hopes, it isn't better than yesterday. Tomorrow doesn't look promising either.

It sounds hopeless. Forfeit is on the horizon.

But wait! What's that? Ah...an old friend. We looked and looked, and you finally came. Hope.

There's this tiny little light on the peripheral of my blurry vision, and something tells me that there has to be a rhyme and reason. No matter what the end result is, I know God will do the same thing in both of us. I don't even know what to hope for anymore, but despite that, he's still here. Hope, that is. And so is He.

Phoenix Day 7

So it's a brand new year, and I'm still here. New Year's Eve was the hottest day yet: 22 degrees celsius. Not that I'm complaining...a lot. My body just longs for snow and the wood fireplace and humidity of some kind.

I guess I could be updating on what I've been doing and going into great detail on golf, swimming (in a pool that is hotter than the air outside. It's gross), and my amazing shopping exploits, but the most amazing thing I've experienced here is a new desire to know God more.

I'd be lying if I said that my relationship with God has been good lately. In fact, it seems like ever since I went to Bible College our friendship has been suffering (go figure). And by the time I left to come here, I felt hopeless that we could ever get back to the way we were.

Yet, as I'm in this place trying to figure out my junk and other people's junk, I feel the strongest pull to God I've ever felt. I'm desperate to get closer to Him again, I just don't know how. I'm starting with the basics, though. Getting back to reading my bible daily is a must. Talking to Him at every possible moment has to turn into a habit again. Walking every step for His glory needs to be at the top of my priorities.

I have no idea how long this process will take. My greatest hope is that I will take from this dry season lessons learned, and it won't ever again take a time of pulling away to put me back where I belong with my Father.

So, to start off the new year, I'm not making a typical resolution: silly attempts to lose weight or become something unattainable too quickly, only to be defeated by the mere thought within the first few weeks. I am striving for so much more. I am putting my hope and trust in God, resting in Him and trusting that He knows far better than I do what is best for me.

Delicate

Next Saturday I leave for Arizona, and I haven't quite decided how I feel about it yet.

I'm going to visit someone who I've only seen once, very briefly, in the last three years because of a...disagreement. I guess that's the best word to describe it. I love this person very much, but she always tests the limits of my patience in every area.

I was originally staying less than a week, but now it's nine days. My dad tried to tell me that maybe it's not the best idea; once I'm there, I'm stuck. But, because I feel peace about it, I'm going in trusting God that He will be with me and guide my words and actions so that, at least for my part, I can know I tried my best.

Maybe it appears that I'm only going into this with a bad attitude, but that's not actually the case at all. I'm very excited, just scared that... well, to tell the truth, I have no idea what I'm so scared of. Myself, possibly? Every time I go somewhere new, I wonder if my self will grow or struggle as a result.

My highest hopes are that this will be an opportunity to lay aside all stress and just relax to my fullest potential. My body is still in go-mode, and I'd really like to lay back and enjoy the break while I have it. And I want to mend this broken relationship. There are past hurts that need to be addressed, and I would really like to have all of that taken care of when I get back.

So, here goes. I'm setting out on an adventure with no clue as to how it will turn out.

Am I scared? Yes. Terrified? Pretty much. Going anyway? Absolutely.