I Tried My Best to Be Guarded, but I'm an Open Book Instead

I am slowly coming to the realization that I can never go back.

There are so many things I would change if I could, so many precautions I would have taken, so many wise words I would have told myself. I will never again relive the "glory days," which, without the glare of nostalgia, really weren't so glorious after all; I will never relive the dark days, which, at the time, contained some of my most precious moments. I can never again be the Leanne who gave her heart to Jesus in the earnest hope that her life would turn around. We are so far beyond that now.

The more I discover about God, the more He thrills me. I read His name and feel my heart turn wildly inside of my chest, as someone so eloquently put it. I am falling in love with Him for who He is, not who I want Him to be or who it would be more convenient for Him to be or what He could do for me. Just Him. And it's rocking my world.

Part of my issue right now with only three more weeks of school this semester is trying to stay focused when all I want to do is sit down and read my Bible for hours on end. I want to read books that go deep into who He is, not just scratch the surface in an overview attempt at explaining a concept to people who haven't yet begun that journey. I want so much more right now! I haven't had passion about anything in so long, but last night as I discussed my views on some controversial topics, I felt a part of myself start to breathe again. I may have been too pushy at some points, and for that I apologize, but it was just so exciting to know I was excited about something! And it wasn't just any something.

Okay, I need to sleep now. If I want any energy with which to properly live each day so I have time for the things I want - let's be real, when it becomes as essential as breathing it is now a need - and not just the things necessary for passing courses that I will most likely forget about in a year's time. I want to learn, but so much more than that I want to fall deeper into Him. It will take my whole life to learn how to do it right, and then it will only be the start of an even grander adventure as I move on to the real story of my existence.

So if I continuously bring up the same topics, I...well, I don't apologize, but I am sorry if it bothers you. I am just so enthralled with this stuff that I can't help but talk about it.