If That's the Road God Made Me Take to Be with You

This is not my life. This cannot be my life.

It has now officially been a year and a half. Context? Context. More context. It is not about a boy or a heartache or a crappy summer or a billion descending steps that landed me here. It's that I'm still here, and every sign I saw of help finally coming turned out to be just another mirage.

How many times this week do I have to break down in Starbucks before I realize things are not getting better? How often do I need to talk myself back into staying at school because I know I will regret it the rest of my life if I don't? How long before I can laugh at these questions because life is finally not here?

Sidenote: this whole "Natural November" thing is killing anything I had going on, for billions of reasons. But I guess I can narrow it down to a few:

1. I look like a 12 year old without make-up...and that's being generous.

2. God gave man the brain capacity to create eyelash curlers and mascara so that people like me could look like we have eyes. That should never be taken away.

3. This is self-inflicted, so if I quit I will only disappoint myself and feel even crappier than I do without the freaking stuff.

4. I have zero confidence when it feels like all people are doing when they talk to me is analyzing how many colours are on my face at any given time, staring with morbid curiosity at how my face looks like it died 10 years ago without blush, and, of course, they're still searching for my eyes.

I know it's a good exercise, and I know no one is holding me to this but me. I want to feel beautiful without help...but I look at my issues stretched across pages and pages of notes, and I am realizing exactly how petrified I am of being rejected for my appearance. I don't know if I can continue. It makes me truly sad to have to say that.

I am thoroughly exhausted. My energy, my self-esteem, my resources, my back-up battery power...all exhausted. Yet I type this with no emotion whatsoever. I am a wall; hard, cold, unfeeling. Then it slips out in a public place and I am surprised. By what, I have no idea.