Raw

So here's the raw emotion, straight from my heart. No hindsight included as of yet because there hasn't been time for any, and no filter on my thoughts.

It's over. Not because it's what I want, not because it's what he wants, but because it's what He wants. We can't fight that. Loving each other this much is not enough.

I hurt so bad all over, and I'm laughing at how crazy I am. But the pain is so real and so deep and is overshadowing all of my memories and everything I've grown to love. More than anything I want to go back just a few weeks to when we sat on this same couch and were just...together; to pause that moment and live in it forever. But I can't. We can't go back to just eight hours ago when this started, or an hour and a half ago when we finally said good-bye.

How do you adequately describe the feeling of every muscle and tendon and ligament in the body pulling against one another until I feel as if I'll explode into a million pieces? That about describes me perfectly.

I know I'll look back on this one day and it won't hurt anymore, but right now that thought only makes me want to cry more. This is my day of mourning for what might have been. My one day of looking every painful memory (and future plan) boldly in the face and taking every blow they deal. I don't want to get over him! I don't want to meet him at the airport in 86 days and not hug him because it will hurt too much. But how do I ever go back to before today?

We're not playing the God card. Neither of us. We're not using it as an excuse to dump a relationship so that we can move on. This hurts. This KILLS. But we're going to survive. We're going to make it through today and somehow barely make it out alive. And tomorrow will be a little bit easier. And the next day. And the next. Until finally, we can think of each other and not feel the torturous twist in our hearts.

But until then, for today, I will soak in the misery. I will take my one day to not let go, to sit and experience so clearly what can only be described as a broken heart: I can feel it physically in my chest, I can breathe it in, I can feel it falling down my cheeks, and every part of me is crying out to hold him one last time.