That Time in the Movie When the Music Goes Silent, Right Before the Killer Jumps Out

Earlier today, I was a perfectly sane, rational human being who felt somewhat in control. Although frightened at what the future might hold, I was being directed and knew Whom those directions were from. Now, everything is different.

I am antsy beyond belief! It feels like I cannot possibly sit still without exploding. All of my insides are ready to burst, and there is nothing I can do to prevent the fallout. My heart is ready to jump out from inside of me, and drugs are the only possible option. I'm sure if I were on some, then all of this would make some sense.

As it is, there are no drugs and there is no sanity, so I don't know what this is all supposed to mean. Where just a few days ago there was a beautiful inner peace that coincided with the world and brought bliss to all future projections, I now have a peace that is punctuated by a burning yearning to dive into all of this that He has prepared for me.

I am on fire, and every natural life function within me is crying out, trying desperately to convey that this is not enough. The mundane, same-as-it's-always-been mediocrity that once passed as life is not enough! I have so much more to live for, and every second, every heartbeat, every keystroke spent on this couch, in this house, in this state I've always dwelt in is a waste of precious time.

I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep tonight, or what any of this means. How do I put this craving (for lack of a sufficient word) to the back of my mind and let rest prevail? I'm so heartsick for this "more" that I know is out there, and I'm horribly restless for all of this to unfold. I know that tonight, like any other night, is just one in a long series of necessary events to lead me to the "eventually" that I'm awaiting, but that doesn't make 12:01 any easier than 12:00 was or 11:59 or 4:27.

Tomorrow means decisions and promises (broken and new) and ideas and dreams and everything I'm too scared to deal with. It also means decisions and promises and ideas and dreams and everything I'm so excited to delve into that tomorrow will probably never come. I say a lot how I never thought I'd live to be this old; not that I thought I'd die prematurely, just that I never thought 20 would ever come. Mirrored perfectly is my feeling that tomorrow could never possibly come because I don't know how I could ever possibly live until the morning of the 17th of May without imploding. Every second that ticks by on a clock unheard means one more second that doesn't make sense because how can tomorrow come if I don't know how to face it?

Plain and simple: I'm antsy. I don't know what to do with my hands except type because I'll probably end up ripping something apart with my subconscious. I want everything to be decided, but I'm so frightened of what this will all look like in the end. I have absolute faith in tomorrow, and that's probably what scares me the most. I've never been so absolute about anything in my life, and if that fails...well then what does that say about me?