Judgment Day

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. PLACES, SEASONS, HEART-STUFF LIKE THIS IS HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS. MY ATTEMPTS WILL WITHOUT A DOUBT BE BARELY SATISFACTORY, BUT I WILL TRY ANYWAY.

I HAVE REALIZED LATELY THAT PEOPLE ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS THAT THEY REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS TO. THEY EXPRESS CONCERN, FEIGN INTEREST, AND THEN SHUT OFF THEIR BRAIN THE SECOND ANYONE TRIES TO SLIP ANYTHING REAL INTO THE CONVERSATION. I'VE HAD MANY OF THESE LATELY, AND AS MUCH AS I DON'T WANT TO JUST LUMP EVERYONE TOGETHER INTO A BOX OF SUCKINESS, THIS IS MY DAY TO BE JUDGMENTAL.

I HAVE ALSO REALIZED, BASED ON MY RECENT HIT COUNT, THAT PRETTY MUCH NO ONE READS MY BLOG ANYMORE. AM I ANGRY? HEH, OF COURSE NOT. SAD? OF COURSE. A LOT OF GOOD MEMORIES WERE MADE SHARING HERE, WHETHER ON MY PAGE OR SOMEONE ELSE'S, AND I MISS REVEALING THE REAL ME TO PEOPLE WHO ENDED UP BECOMING CLOSER THAN FRIENDS. AND MY BIGGEST READER, MY BIGGEST FAN, WILL NEVER READ HERE AGAIN.

TO EXPLAIN MY RECENT IRRATIONAL BEHAVIOUR, I HAVE ONLY ONE EXPLANATION, SUFFICIENT OR NOT: IT WAS MY LAST DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SHOW THAT I HAD ANY CONTROL OF MY LIFE. I WAS TOO FAR GONE TO ACTUALLY HEAR ANYTHING GOD WAS TRYING TO SAY TO ME, SO I WENT ON FEELINGS (NEVER TOO SMART) AND PRAYED THAT MY WILL WOULD BE ALIGNING WITH HIS. I ALSO KNEW THAT IF THIS WAS NOT GOD, IT WOULDN'T ALIGN WITH ANYONE ELSE. AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. SURE IT WAS EMBARRASSING AND I WANT TO DIE EVERY TIME I REMEMBER HOW SILLY I WAS, BUT IT WAS FOR THE BEST. I DID EVERYTHING IN MY POWER, AND NOW I KNOW THAT THERE IS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE TO SAVE MYSELF FROM THE FALLOUT. IN ADDITION, I LEARNED AN INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT LESSON: GOD GETS HIS WAY. HE'S NOT MEAN AND CYNICAL, HE'S JUST IN CONTROL. HE MADE ME, HE MADE THE EARTH I STAND ON AND THE AIR THAT I BREATHE, SO I THINK THAT GIVES HIM AS MUCH A RIGHT AS ANYONE COULD HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE AND PUT IN HIS INPUT...ESPECIALLY ON SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT. HE APPARENTLY HAS A PLAN THAT'S GREATER THAN ANY I COULD EVER FATHOM, SO I SHOULD JUST GIVE IN ALREADY AND LET HIM TAKE THE WHEEL.

ALLOWING MYSELF TO HEAL IS ALREADY WORKING WONDERS. TWO DAYS AND I'M ALREADY BARELY RECOGNIZABLE AS THE MESS OF ONLY THREE DAYS AGO. NOT THAT GOD IS INHIBITED BY ME IN ANY WAY, BUT WHEN I LET HIM WORK ON MY HEART AND CARE FOR ME, HE COMES THROUGH IN MORE AMAZING WAYS THAN WHEN I RESIST HIS HELP.

SO THIS IS MY FINAL THOUGHT. A MONTH AGO, I DIDN'T THINK I'D BE FACING TODAY ALONE. IN FACT, I DIDN'T THINK THIS SUMMER WOULD FIND ME LONELY, NOR THE COMING SCHOOL YEAR. PART OF ME IS ASHAMED, AND THE OTHER PART IS VOWING TO HOLD MY HEAD HIGH AND BE MYSELF WITHOUT ANOTHER TO HOLD MY HAND. BUT I KNOW THAT GOD HAS CARRIED ME THROUGH THE HARD TIMES BEFORE, AND WITH EACH HARD-HITTING MEMORY THAT THREATENS TO TEAR ME DOWN AGAIN, HE IS SHAPING AND STRENGTHENING ME INTO A PERSON WHO CAN STAND AGAINST THE PAIN OF THIS WORLD. SO IN ANSWER TO ALL THE CURIOUS QUESTIONS (DESPITE THE LOW READERSHIP): I'M GOING TO BE OKAY.