WARNING, Y'all

I'm starting to feel a little bit guilty for baring my soul this way. Is it fair? I don't know. Someone suggested that I journal where no one can see it but me, but that defeats the entire purpose. If I don't release some of this into a place that isn't necessarily "safe," then I am not healing. So here is my word of caution: if you don't want to know how I feel, because I plan on being fairly open and honest, then please don't read any further.

I think I'm doing a lot better than before. I listened to music again today, finally, without it being James Blundt. That shows growth, right? And I'm up to some snacky meals, rather than a few nothings when someone makes me have. It's not that I've been starving myself; gosh, that's all I need is people thinking I'm anorexic. Usually when I am going through a hard time, I eat at every possible moment to distract myself. So when I don't want to eat at all, I know something is really wrong. Aaand now I feel like it looks like I'm asking for pity, which I'm not. Sometimes I just need to admit the worst things in myself before I can begin to change them...even if it's to no one in particular. So here I go:

I've been struggling with the worst indecision of my life. Praying is the only way I'm making it through every second, but the majority of it is yelling at God. It's a fight just to want to hear what He has to say, let alone to listen. Deep down, I know He has the best for me. I just...I don't know how to give up something this important.

And then He leads me here: "Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or instructed Him as His counselor? Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten Him, and who taught Him the right way? Who was it that taught Him knowledge or showed Him the path of understanding?" (Isaiah 40:13, 14).

Who the frick am I? I am no one. He loves me, but that doesn't make me His equal. I need to be willing to not only go along with His will, but also to throw myself whole-heartedly into it. I know that as soon as I fully grasp this, I'll know His will. But for now I'm too scared to find out what it is, so I continue to desperately grasp onto what I no longer have.

If any of you stuck around long enough to read this, I could seriously use some prayer right now. Thanks. And sorry.